Be careful, it's getting slippery.

Hey readers,

I'm sorry for not updating yesterday, but sometimes you say a lot by not saying anything.

I made the mistake of purchasing whole wheat fruit sweetened cookies and brown rice crisp cereal. I thought they were healthy enough and didn't have a ton of sugar so I wouldn't binge on them. I was wrong, because I did so on Wednesday.

Anyways, Thursday went downhill. The morning was ok- went out for coffee with a friend. Even though I was already feeling the guilt from the bingeing, Starbuck's now has vegan frapuccinos and I couldn't resist getting one.

I had a fun time hanging out, sipping the icy, creamy deliciousness. The ED was quite for a bit.

Then later in the afternoon it started screaming.

"compensate for the binge"

"You had a frapuccino? That's a glorified milkshake!"

"You're disgusting"

"Just don't eat. It's not worth it"

"If you start eating you will lose control again"

So I didn't eat after that. I wanted to punish myself somehow....and it seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

That's how illogical the disorder is.

At 5:00pm I went for an appointment with Toar. I was really out of it and couldn't think clearly enough to answer her questions. Eventually it came out that I hadn't eaten all day. She tried to get me to eat a couple crackers, but I was stubborn and refused. I sort of stormed out of her office crying - so mature, I know.

I immediately felt guilty for treating someone who has only shown me kindness and understanding with such rudeness and immaturity. I sent my apologies....but still didn't want to eat anything. I had roller derby practice an hour after my appointment, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without eating.

So I just didn't go.

I laid in bed for a couple hours in the fuzzy mental state that intense hunger causes.

Then I remembered - I had a meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow. My new roommate was moving in tomorrow. I couldn't get out of those so easily.

I begrudgingly ate a sandwich and some soup at around 8:30pm.

Today I wanted to fast again, and with all the activity of moving it was pretty easy to do so (excuse being that I didn't have the time to eat). During my training session, I spent most of the time concentrating on the mirrored walls of the studio.

I was disgusting at every angle.

So I went from eating some fruit and cereal at 8:00am to 4pm without anything. I felt weak and tired again. I was so torn- which way do I go.

I chose to eat again. I felt the guilt and self loathing, and I had to repeat statements like this over and over in my head:

"You're brain doesn't function properly like this, don't you want it to?'

"You're a bitch when your hungry"

"You know where this leads you"

These statements are guilt ridden, and perhaps not the "right" way to motivate myself. It's all I've got right now, except I have been trying to incorporate this one:

" You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha

Now I don't follow organized religion, but I can't deny that Buddha knew his shit. I've made it my purpose in life to try to alleviate the suffering of others, human, animal, rich, poor....you get the picture. So why do I purposefully inflict suffering onto myself?

I wish I knew guys.

Anyways, enough with this ramble. I'm trying to be honest with where I'm at, even though I'd much rather write about the good.

It is a new day tomorrow, so I'll see what I can cope with. I have roller derby again tomorrow night at 8:00, and if anyone would be so kind as to kick my ass into going via the interwebs I'd be most grateful.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex