Hi everybody!
Oh, and I hope that didn't come off as discriminatory towards little people. Actually, if these weren't fictional dwarfs, they'd probably have a show on TLC by now. Haven't you noticed that channels odd obsession with little people? Little people, big world, the little couple, little chocolateers....First it was families with large litters of children, but Jon and Kate ruined the magic of that. I'm wondering what unusual human characteristic will become trendy next. Any guesses?
Ok, enough about TLC
Today's topic is "people pleasin". To start us off, I shall tell you how I spent this morning.
I wake up from my nightly drug induced coma to discover it is 5:00am and I had only slept for 5 hours. For most people this issue is solved by groaning, rolling over and dozing off again. For me, when I wake up it's game over-no more sleep until I chemically induce it again.
In vain I groan, roll over a million times, snuggle deep into my duvet, shut my eyes tightly and try to force my brain to shut off. As explained before, these efforts are futile.
Usually this doesn't happen and I am asleep for 6 maybe even 7 hours. It should also be noted that I am pretty much comatose during this time. On a couple occasions my friend was startled by this: "You mean you didn't hear me dropping me enormous printer? You didn't hear the raging thunderstorm that made your cat howl like a banshee? Nope. There could be an apocalypse and I'd still be sound asleep.
Except of course,this morning. I'm really hoping this isn't a sign that the medications are losing effectiveness.
Anyways, back to my story. It's almost 6:00am and it is clear that I am not getting any more sleep. I go rummage through the kitchen to make breakfast when I discover I am out of bananas. I decide that a morning without PB and B on toast is not a morning I can handle at this point, I put on my housecoat and birkenstocks and head across the street to the quickie for a banana and a coffee that I didn't have to brew.
Once I get back to my building I make the grim realization that I had forgotten my keys and was locked out. This happens to me frequently as I've become much, much more forgetful in the past few months. I really hope it's a medication side effect and not my brain slowly decomposing. Anyways-
So I'm in a pickle- there is a buzzer system and usually I phone a kind neighbour (IE: not the downstairs-ians) to buzz me in.
But it's 6:00am....I would be getting someone out of bed! So what do I do? The obvious - wait in the buildings entrance hoping that someone has an early work day. For an hour I sat cross-legged with my banana and almond milkless coffee (blech)in hand, wearing a bathrobe and pajama pants, looking hopefully through the glass door at the stairwell.
Nobody. Everyone in my building has an inconveniently normal work schedule.
So at 7:00am, I buzz a neighbour, and the conversation goes like this:
Buzzer: Buzz, buzz
Neighbour: Hello?
Me: Oh my god I'm so so sorry to wake you, I locked myself out and...
Neighbour: It's ok Alex I was up, I'll let you in
Me: Thank you sosososososo much! I'm so sorry! Sorry!
Buzzer: Buzz
What does this demonstrate besides my deteriorating mental abilities? You guessed it, people pleasin'.
It relates back to the whole guilt thing, and I am going to refrain from apologizing for the redundancy of this post. This morning somehow I was convinced that the minute it took for a neighbour to buzz me in was more important than me being locked out for an hour.
Later today I meet with Toar to discuss daddy issues. It is obviously a long chat that does not end when the clock says it should.
As I stated earlier, I am trying as hard as I can to maintain neutrality during this whole parental show-down. This can only be done by truly believing it was neither of their faults, that both were under overwhelming circumstances and cannot be held accountable for their actions.
This is what I tell people when asked my opinion about the situation. When asked by either of my parents, I validate their feelings and actions during the whole ordeal. Those things make people feel better. Outsiders think I'm handling things gracefully and maturely. My parents are shielded from any negative feelings I may have towards them. Now the big question is, what do I tell myself.
I know that every therapist, social worker, or TV talk show host will argue with what I am about to say. Nonetheless, I feel partially responsible for what happened.
How?
It seems quite simple to me. Here is a sequence of events
- Alex comes home from a year on class afloat with a little souvenir- an eating disorder plus a sprinklin' of relapsing depression!
- Alex continues being depressed and disordered.
- Mumsie gets stressed, begins to neglect self and can't cope well
- Dudesie begins to dislike coming home
- Dudesie meets another woman at a nightclub
- Dudesie continues with woman from nightclub
- Time passes
- Dudesie confesses, marriage disolves
Ok guys, as much as a people pleaser as I am, I will have to cut this short as I am painting Japanese flags and it feels like my girlie parts are going to explode.
Good night!
Peace, love and veggies,
Alex
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