A meager attempt at optimism

Hello!

Now I know that at least two (!) people are reading this, which is very exciting. I shall not name name's, but they are amazing. Anyways, today I'm going to try to focus on the healing, love, serenity and all that bullpoop. Don't worry though, there are many rantity-rant-rants to come.

Ever since I OD'd I've been on a medication called seroquel. It is a type of antipsychotic and is known for it's sedative effects. I am not psychotic, but when I was admitted after the overdose I experienced frightening hallucinations. So it made sense to put me on this. Later during the stay they attempted to take me off of it, but without it I couldn't sleep. So I've been on it ever since.

Why is this relevant? Well, this stuff makes me much more Zombie-ish than I'd like to be. It makes me tired, but I still have trouble sleeping, so I can't even get relief by napping. It just makes everything go by slowly; some days feeling like I'm walking through guacamole, others I'll stare blankly, motionless for 10 minutes without realizing it.....that sort of thing. This medication is great if you hear aliens talking to you through the TV, but not so great if you like being smart and sassy ('tis my goal).

Here's another problem, when I'm up at night, unable to sleep I am my most self-destructive. Quite the conundrum if you ask me.

Anyways, I was able to drag myself out of the apartment for a walk around the river. Here are my favourite things about that walk:

- I was going by two female cyclists, and one screamed "AHH!" when she passed by me. I was so scared I did something wrong, but then I heard her announce "I whacked my clitoris!". Haha, girlie parts.

- This happy little girl with a purple bicycle (I love purple, so that fact is important). She rode down a hill screaming "This is sooooooo much fun! I'm going sooo fast!". I made a mental note to try to recreate that joy when I go down hills on my bike.

- I listened to this song in it's entirety on my ipod. When I was around 6 my mum used to gather up all my friends in our neighbourhood, crank this song, roll down the windows so everyone in a 100 meter radius could hear it, and take us all out for ice cream. Good times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBYD9_8NeZc

- A bloodhound puppy. Need I say more?

- Another cyclist had a helmet that was all reflective and mirror-y. I've decided that one day I will own a disco ball helmet.

- I ended the journey with a trip to lush. Not only did I purchase a lovely bath bomb and face masque, but I got a laugh out of all the sales people. Wasn't one of my best lines, but the girl at the cash asked me if I knew how to use the masque, to which I replied "Well, you put it on your face, wait a bit then remove it?"

Ok, aren't you proud of my sunshineyness?

Oh, and before I leave to put the chocolate mud (aka the face masque) on I will leave you with a list I made a while back of reasons to strive for health. I will keep adding to it, but I encourage you all (or both) to think about what your reasons are.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

· If anybody I cared about thought and acted the way I do, I’d be heartbroken. Maybe some feel a bit of this about me.

· The folks wont have to worry so much

· My friends wont have to take on the support role, they can just be friends

· I am a feminist and I hate our societies notion of “the thin ideal”. Getting better is the first step to fighting it.

· I really, really hate math. I wouldn’t have to do it so much if I didn’t obsess over calories, weight, minutes spent exercising etc.

· I value my cognitive abilities. Restricting makes me slow, indecisive, and forgetful. I can’t use my brain if it has nothing to fuel it.

· I’ve seen the damage it can cause physically, emotionally, socially…and not just through my own experience, but also through the other girls I was in treatment with

· I’ve been unable to do a lot of things due to my eye condition….do I really need that list to grow?

· Everything I have ever wanted to do with my life requires effort, energy, strength….things that are impossible to have when dealing with this.

· I don’t want to end up like Mairead.

· I want to show people that you can be healthy and happy on a plant based diet. Disordered eating only perpetuates negative stereotypes and hinders the animal rights movement.

PS: Mairead is my grandmother. She plays tennis for hours each day, swims for hours each day, and doesn't believe you need fat in your diet. She also sends us pictures of herself in a bathing suit, holding a sprig of holly every Christmas. How festive!