So the past few days have been full of doubt, self loathing and an overwhelming desire to self destruct. I've been waking up ever morning wanting to starve and isolate myself for an undecided (but definitely long) period of time.
However, every day I eventually convince myself to get out of bed, eat, shower (on occasion), go get therapized....you know, all of those "keep Alex functioning" shenanigans. Every day I make the decision to do these things I seem to find a different argument to do so. For example, I planned on going to roller derby Saturday night (epic fail, but we'll discuss that later). Therefore, since I have a goal to not to pass out and get trampled by derby girls, I ate semi normally. Today I knew I had a therapy appointment and didn't want a repeat of Thursday. Though I know that using these reasons to keep me from slipping is positive, it would be nice if I could just do it cause I want to take care of myself. HAH!
I've been feeling so guilty of late, just like I'm wasting every ones time and am not getting better fast enough. I feel like I'm disappointing people by slipping (which is why I haven't spoken to my parents about it). I hope I'm not disappointing any of you.
Oh, how was roller derby an epic failure? Well first off I forgot running shoes and had to do the off skate component in either socks or birkenstocks (neither ideal). The real issue was that I just sucked at it. Granted, I hadn't done it since the fall and hadn't attended the two previous sessions, but the fact remained that I sucked and was behind everyone else. When I started in the fall I thought I was decent at it, that I was at least at a level comparable to everyone else. Not this time. I felt like the girl on the boat who didn't know which line to grab, I felt like the one kid who didn't understand a concept in math and was asked to answer a question. Though everyone was kind and eager to help, I felt so embarrassed. So I packed up my gear, slipped out the door and left.
If at first you don't succeed, QUIT! - My motto
Wow I'd be a really crappy motivational speaker, eh?
I'm (kind of) kidding about quitting and giving up. Obviously I haven't quit everything. I'm still trying to get through the day and to eventually get to the point where I can do more than that.
This week is over, tomorrow brings new opportunities and hopefully "healthy sunshiney rainbows Alex" will dominate.
I know I've given this sort of message before, but I'll repeat myself. Keep on moving forward y'all!
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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