To be honest I don't have a lot to write about today, mainly cause this flu (that insists on haunting me) makes me unable to do much more than stay at home and eat popsicles.
Anyways
I did go see my psychamalobimabob (psychiatrist) today. Out of the five....oh wait six, psychiatrists I've been to I think he's the best. Not as into throwing drugs down my throught and is actually trying to reduce (!) my medications. I'm hopeful for that - being on eight different prescription medications is kind of overwhelming (not all of them are brain drugs - eye stuff too).
So that went well. He seemed to be impressed at how I designed my own recovery program. I was so close to going into a residential program (private clinic in he states or the Royal Ottawa). In fact, I made the decision not to go the day before I was supposed to catch a plane and leave.
So far I feel it's been successful. When you're in a treatment program you're in a little treatment bubble - then you have to deal with the big wide world afterwards. The place I was going to go to was in Arizona, so it's not like I could transition back into Ottawa life and do partial treatment - nope, they fix ya there and send you back. This wasn't the only reason I decided not to go (though it was the most compelling to Toar and my parents). There was a whole bunch of religious content in the program that didn't sit well with me. They told me "well, you don't have to believe in god, just believe in something". "Like what?" I asked. Some suggested the environment, animal rights, humanity etc. All things I believe in, but a little difficult to implement in the traditional 12 step program. Surrender my power to....the environment? I don't think mother nature wants that kind of responsibility, she's got enough on her plate.
Anyways, I (with the help of Toar) created my own "program". Some personal training, lots of therapy, some yoga, and so on. It's a much more realistic life than one at a treatment center. However, I have nobody to "force" me to do these things. It leaves the power up to me, which seems a little scary at times, but it is also critical in the whole recovery process.
So I make plans. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. Every week I plan on going to yoga at least twice. I am lucky if I make it once (it's scary! There's other people there!). I don't always follow the meal plan I make, but I try my best. Anyways, people are impressed. I'm "moving forward".
I'm trying to carve out this new life that doesn't include all the self destruction as before. It frees up time for relationships, school, having fun (gasp!). However, it's been my life for as long as I can remember....so I have a lot of doubt whether or not I can ever truly "recover". I'm imagining a life where food restriction, calorie counting, self injury, self hatred....basically self destruction is neither present or an option. I still have moments when I want to badly to slip into them, as it's what I know and it's in a weird way comfortable. But if I let it continue it can and will kill me, January 6th 2010 (date of my suicide attempt) being a prime example.
Alright, enough for tonight. For all of you (ok, and for myself as well), I commit to push myself harder to do all the things I plan on doing - the stuff that'll help me along.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
No comments:
Post a Comment