I hope you all enjoyed the pictures. I found them from yesandyes.org, sayingimages.com and of course, http://cuteoverload.com.
Today had some exciting moments - I picked up Prairie Crocus and she rides like a dream and is just beautiful. I got an annoying storage related problem sorted out. I also did something that will be the focus of this blurb.
I posted the link to this blog on facebook.
I know it probably seems insignificant, as this is already a public blog in which any Internet creeper can come and learn the goings on of Alex. Posting it however, seems as though I'm advertising - I am inviting people to follow it. Before this I told a few people about it and hoped that someone would read it. Many did and continue to enjoy my witticisms (thanks y'all!). So why put it up for everyone to see? I will try to answer.
I am so tired of the secrecy, shame and embarrassment surrounding mental illness. I am at a point now where there isn't really a secret anymore - it is the infamous elephant in the room. Again on facebook, I've written both cryptic and humorous posts relating to my situation. If one really wants to know, they can pretty easily get the idea. For instance, if I announce that I've been out of the 'bin for x many weeks, most people will figure out that I'm referring to the loony bin = psych ward. I'm also guessing that at the end of high school when I was sent to ano-camp (really inappropriate term I use for eating disorder treatment) that most of my peers knew. The whole whole emaciated looking thing kinda gave it away, and so did the blanket I carried to class cause I was always cold and the school uniforms (or rather, my body) did not provide sufficient insulation. I don't think I could have made it any more obvious, except maybe if I wrote "ED" on my forehead with a sharpie. But then people would think erectile dysfunction and that's a whole other issue of secrecy, shame and embarrassment.
Ok - back to April 23rd, 2010
I feel a certain amount of guilt and shame for inviting around 200 people to read my deepest thoughts and feelings. I fear people will see me as pathetic, attention seeking, socially inept, melodramatic....see where I'm going with this?
Maybe it's true. Maybe this blog has a whiney, narcissistic and melodramatic. However -
Imagine I had cancer, had been in a car accident, got my face eaten by a mongoose....anything "physical". I could whine and rant and bitch and complain all day long and it wouldn't be judged the same way. Now I'm not trying to compare my situation to victims of cancer, car crashes or face eating, but you get the message.
There are many who believe that chemical imbalances don't exist. For example, when I visited my dad to Toronto, he asked about my medications. After I listed them off he said "Ya know Alex, there's a lot of people who believe this whole brain chemistry stuff is just a marketing ploy". I was tempted to be snarky and retort with "OK dad, I guess I'll just go off all my medications since they don't do anything". I didn't though- it wasn't something I wanted to fight over.
Anyways, the whole disbelief in chemical imbalances. For starters, every thought, emotion, behaviour and so on is a result of complex neural processes. Axons fire, neurotransmitters are released, action potentials, it's all a physical process. I won't get too into this cause I don't want you to get all existential and wonder if you really have a soul or are just a cluster of neurons - that's not what I'm getting at.
Bones break, DNA gets jumbled, fluid pressure kills the optic nerve....the amount that can go wrong in the human body is infinite. So why is it so hard for some people to believe that there could be something wrong with brain chemistry?
Perhaps anti depressants are over prescribed, and I am aware that drug companies play a big role in "marketing" depression. Perhaps we all just want a quick and easy solution to our problems. Just pop a pill and all will be ok.
Except it isn't.
Maybe we should be asking why so many of us experience depression, and not just jump to conclusions of character flaws like laziness. What is it in our society that's so....depressing? The conversation could go on forever, and can never be fully answered.
Here's what we do know: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness and all other lovely depressive symptoms are physiological processes. It doesn't matter what the trigger for these thoughts and feelings is, they are still happening. It's not the way a healthy brain works. It's hurting. We can't see it or take a blood test for it, but it's happening.
So I'm telling you what my experience is like. If more people are open about it we can figure out so much more about the causes and prevent or change our circumstances. We can also help each other.
We can't do it alone.
So now my story is "out there", and someone unexpected might read it. They may judge or criticize. They'll likely read a bit, get bored and leave. But maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and relate to it. If I can make anyone feel less alone, I will continue to write.
and I am one of those people, since writing to this vague audience makes me feel less alone. So the story continues.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Wear your crazy badge proud,
Alex
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