So I thought today my body would be ready to resume all of it's normal functions. It was not. This morning I woke up for an appointment with Toar, had some therapizing with Toar, and then got a couple groceries. Pretty simplish isn't it? Well, not with the horrible abdominal pains and overall blargedness (or "malaise" as the medical folk like to say). Mumsie was convinced that I have appendicitis. I told her that I know it's not - I watch a lot of mystery diagnosis and I used the symptom checker app- results, negatory.
Anyways, I've titled this post "fighting on the inside". This refers to many things, the most obvious being my immune system fighting off invading microbes. However, this is not a bog about Alex's battle with the stomach flu. If you've read enough of this you know that it is about confronting issues like depression, eating disorders, self care and so on.
As I mentioned in previous posts, there is a huge internal struggle when you're trying to recover from an eating disorder (or any destructive behaviour). I have been feeling it a lot over the past few days. Now you may ask, why these past few days?
Since Thursday I've been trying to recover from an annoying (but ultimately benign) flu. However, it makes it a little tricky when you're also recovering from depression and an eating disorder. I am constantly evaluating my actions and wondering which are motivated by a desire for health and wellness. So I am left wondering what should (or as Toar prefers, could) I do?
Here are some example scenarios
- I'm so nauseous and really don't want to eat. Should I just go with the flow and listen to what the bod tells me to do? Or should I attempt to ram food down my pie hole even if it makes me gag?
- I feel tired and weak and want to stay in bed. However, I always feel tired and staying in bed makes me isolated and increases depression. I think; I should be doing some physical activity instead! But then, what if that makes it (the flu) worse?
And so the fight continues
For the most part, the ED loves this whole being sick business. That little voice is screaming things like "Hell yes! You feel too sick to want to eat, and now food restriction can now be done with such ease!" and "Now you really know what it means to purge properly! Just recreate this in the future".
Of course, the ED also enjoys tormenting me for resting or trying to eat/drink a bit. It tells me I'm wasting an opportunity to lose weight without feeling hungry. It says that I can use the situation to explain weight loss to friends and family (who may be worried that the disorder has taken that direction again). Oh the guilt...
The satisfaction I get from going along with disordered thoughts and behaviours is very short lived, but the guilt and self hatred is ongoing. I know this, and it seems obvious to most people. However, I have to constantly remind myself to move towards health. I so often glamourize the time when I was really ill due to food restriction. I know the physical toll it took, from the lanugo to bradycardia, low WBCs to hair loss. However, I wish I could remember how it felt to have nothing matter but the disorder - to live my life with it always behind me, shouting orders and cracking a whip if I went against what it said. The ED likes to remind me that, although all of that is true, at least I was thin.
I've been following the path of self destruction for so long that it is comfortable and safe. Ultimately, you lose life going down it. It does not immediately lead to death (though it can and will) you lose bits of yourself going down it. You lose relationships, experiences....all the things that make life worth living. I can attest to this. I sailed around the world for a year and still chose this path.
Ultimately, it's change or die. Change terrifies me, but I am determined to try. I've only got one life and I might as well give the sunny, rainbow-y healthy path a try.
Come with me, I dare ya
Peace love and veggies,
you're very rambly Alex
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