MAY is WEIGHT LOSS MONTH !!!

Hey everyone,

The title of this post comes from the first sentence in an email I recieved....from my cats vet.

It also used up a whole paragraph explaining the prevalence and health risks associated with obesity - in humans. Of course later it explained veterinary guided pet weight loss programs and sales on low calorie cat food, but somehow it had to say a blurb about fat people.

I know that obesity is a health risk - but fuck so is our obsession with weight and shape. Sometimes I wonder if drug addiction would be easier than this - you can stop using drugs but you can't stop eating without risking well, death.

Bah, I'm going on about these random stupid triggers cause I really can't piece together what's going on with me right now. I binged today- not a huge binge but still a binge nonetheless. I haven't done so for a few weeks, and I feel like I failed.

I haven't been socially isolated, but I feel like it. I've been around people the last couple days, but there is so much of myself that is alone. It appears sporatically, popping up in random text messages, facebook statuses and on this blog. I am thankful that this technology allows me to communicate a bit of this, but it cannot replace human contact. Even the sound of someones voice on the phone...

I am blaming nobody but myself for this sense of isolation. So many people have offered themselves as listeners and supporters. You would really have to force yourself upon me to get through the emotional barriers- and even then it's not guaranteed.

So I binge, stand on the scale, feel guilty, feel worthless, feel pathetic, or feel nothing at all.

I am always asking myself if this will ever really get better, or if I am only setting myself up to fail again in the future.

I cannot continue this post with any sort of coherent thought....so I am posting something I've never shown anyone. It is a letter I wrote for my mum. I wrote it shortly after my hospital discharge. The trip to Toronto I refer to is one that I took to meet the Class Afloat crew of 2010 when they returned to Canada....you know, to show support.

I never gave this to my mum, so how can I give it everyone? What if she stumbles across this blog and reads it?

Maybe she should.

I'm bearing my soul the only way I can. To all future employers, graduate school admissions staff, critics - If you search the interwebs for dirt on me....maybe this will make you raise your eyebrows. But you're freaking social workers, you've seen worse.

Dear Mum,

Today you told me how frustrated you were with me. You said how you’ve tried pushing me to do things, which ultimately “pissed me off”. For the past few days you tried leaving me alone, giving me my space, and yet I still just spend time in my room on the computer or trying to sleep. Mum, I know this frustration comes from a place of love and concern, but I feel like it’s another failure.

You know how when you critisize me, and I wince and sort of cower? I do that cause hurting, disappointing, or frustrating you (all people, but especially you) hurts me so much. When I do that I am saying “I give up, do whatever you want to me, I’m sorry, I know I’m a failure”. Dudesie laughs at me when I do it, you get frustrated….I want to disappear.

I really wish I could change that reaction. I wish I could tell you exactly what I wanted/needed for support. Letting me go to Toronto Sunday night was a big one for me, yet I still felt residual anger from you.

Perhaps I am a classic case of avoidant personality disorder. I need people like everyone does, and I care so much about them. However, I’m so scared of screwing it up, by acting weird, by anything….You know that if I have a conversation with someone, I will realize what I was saying and instantly feel ashamed for saying something wrong, in an odd voice, anything that could be insulting. I know by saying this you’re left asking “so what should I do? Walk on eggshells? Not be open with you?”

I don’t know mum. I don’t know what you need to do or say. I’m trying to figure out what I can do or say. So often I wish I’d never been born, that some other DNA mixture of you and Dudesie could create someone who got hurt too easily. You both are such wonderful parents, and all you ever wanted was for me to be happy. I failed.

I don’t know what to do when your around. I’m used to the “mumsie hurricane” that comes and gets me to clean, buy furniture, make lists. True, it is exhausting. However, when you act aloof and try to give me space it feels like you’re angry at me. I know that must be an awful situation for you.

Right now I just want to be alone. Ok, not alone but not with people. I feel like I’m being critiqued. I feel like I’m an awful, lazy person for not wanting to get out of bed. I feel if I made food, you might remark “you’re only eating THAT? That’s pathetic Alex”. I know you only made this comment once in the past, and it was because you didn’t know a lot about eating disorders and were just so frustrated you may have snapped, but it still pops into my head when I eat a lighter meal. At the same time, ED is telling me that I’m eating huge amounts of food and will become obese and even more worthless. So I’m trapped: ED oversees my eating habits, and now (even though you are trying hard not to) I can’t but feel like you do too.

Peace, Love and Veggies everyone,

Alex