crutches and how to let go of them

Hey chums,

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post the long, ramblyish posts you've come to know and love (or at least tolerate). I'm a little snoozy and am all cuddled up in my bed with my cat after a nice warm shower (my cat did not accompany me in the shower though...).

Anyways, I wanted to write a bit about crutches - and not the tiny Tim variety. No, I'm talking about special kind of crutches, eating disordered behaviours.

For people who haven't personally experienced or witnessed an eating disorder, this may not make a lot of sense. Text books will say that anorexics don't eat or severely restrict their intake of food, bulimics binge on food then puke it up, and binge eaters well, binge eat. It isn't quite that simple - and by this definition I wouldn't really have an eating disorder now (and if you read previous posts, you can probably attest that I do).

It's a very complex mixture of disordered thoughts and behaviours. There are many examples but today I'll focus on two that are my "crutches" - and as long as I hold onto them the ED will never go away. These behaviours are calorie counting and obsessive weighing (duh, if you've read yesterdays post).

I've counted my daily caloric intake since the beginning of 2006 (except for the months I spent in treatment - thinking about how much I was consuming would probably make me cry at that point). It takes a huge amount of time and energy that I could be using on other, more important things. Nevertheless it is what I do. I have made efforts in the past month to shift my focus. Every night I plan my meals/snacks for the next day (in a neat little chart) according to the recommendations of Canada's food guide. After I do this I will check the number of calories to make sure I haven't "gone overboard" some how. It's never that high, but I still feel the need to check. At least this way I am not thinking about the number all day, which is exhausting. I've deleted the little calorie counter application on my iphone and replaced it with a little "how many servings of the four food groups did you get today" sort of application. I'm also trying to branch out a bit and "guess" how much of something is an ok portion - instead of measuring it and looking it up and calculating blah blah blah.

I've still got a ways to go with that.

Then comes the compulsive/excessive/obsessive weighing. As you read yesterday, it is taking up way too much of my time/energy/focus and really keeping me trapped in the disordered mindset.

Today it was suggested that I get rid of my scale for a bit and only use the ones at the gym whenever I go there.

I said I would.

I don't know if I can.

Sometimes you need a crutch to keep you standing......even if it's weighing you down.

Bah, I shouldn't use metaphors when I'm tired.

Think of your crutches guys

Consider letting them go

Peace love and veggies,

Alex