Hey everyone,
Tonight I was able to convince myself to go on a bike ride. It may puzzle you that I have to force myself to do something I claim to enjoy (which I do). The sad truth is depression (and maybe medications as well) often puts me in slow motion where I am either unwilling or unable (depending on who you ask) to do much of anything. There are times when I literally freeze in one position and just stay there, sort of catatonic. After about 15 seconds I realize what I'm doing and shake myself out of it, but it still continues to happen. Anyways, this makes activities like bike riding seem impossible. However, guilt can usually nudge me into action. So does the eating disorder.
When I do manage to get on my bike I have an hour to enjoy the peace and quite. It is peaceful and quite even when the geese are honking, the nearby roads are full of traffic, little kids having temper tantrums....it's quite. My mind is quite, and the guilt and ED shut up.
I don't experience this silence too often....actually I can't think of any other time I do. Other forms of exercise are loud and chaotic.
Here's a little example. Please keep in mind this is a method to externalize my struggles so I can combat them - I don't literally hear voices. This is the internal dialogue we all do - the devil and angel on your shoulder thing. Usually I have two devils.
Alex goes to the gym:
ED: Finally, you're here. Took you long enough.
Me: Sorry
ED: Now you need to go longer, faster, harder. Compensate for what you've consumed.
Me: (starts) Is this fast/high/hard enough? When can I stop?
ED: No. You have to stay for at least 30 minutes.
Me: (a few minutes into it) I don't think I can do much more, I'm tired.
ED: Fat ass. Too lazy. Why are you even here? Look at everyone, they're doing so much more than you. They look better than you.
Me: (looks around at people) There are some people heavier than me...
ED: THEY look good. THEY look normal. Extra weight can even look good on THEM. You aren't like them.
Me: Maybe I'll just walk on an incline- I can do that.
ED: Not good enough, but do it and I'll leave for a bit.
It doesn't.
Alex going to Yoga:
Me: Ok - I'll go to a yoga class this afternoon
Guilt: You should. You said you would. If you don't you're not trying to get better.
ED: Well, you'll burn more calories than sitting on your ass and browsing the Internet mindlessly.
Me: Maybe I'll do yin yoga
ED: Yin yoga! what good is that? You're not doing anything! You might as well be at home in bed!
Often that convinces me not to go, but sometimes I'm able to go against it.
Me: (at the start of a class) Where should I put my mat?
Guilt/Social Anxiety/Whatever: Hurry- you look like an idiot. Go over there - it's far away from other people.
ED: You look disgusting in yoga clothes.
Guilt: (throughout the class): You're doing it wrong! You're making a fool out of yourself! People are watching! Do it right! Do it right!
I never can.
Anyways, when I bike it's usually just me. My thoughts are simple: "Pedal, stop, pedal, ring your bell, tell the person you're passing on their left, thank them for letting you pass, Go up this hill, turn here, avoid that pothole, GROUNDHOG!, Enjoy the view".....
You get the idea.
Anyways, I got out and got to experience this during the evening. It's my favourite time to go because towards the end of the route I approach the parliament buildings and the Chateau Laurier at sunset. Guess what thought popped into my head when I got there?
Castles!
A couple months back I was riding on the bus returning to downtown. In front of me was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6. When we approached the parliament buildings and the Chateau Laurier she exclaimed "Look mommy! Look at those castles! Aren't they beautiful?". I smiled, and was pleasantly surprised that the mom didn't correct the little girl. She just replied "Yes, they are beautiful".
When I was a kid I did something similar. I was around 5 and we were driving near a whole bunch of beautiful, intricate churches. I was amazed - They have castles in downtown Calgary? WOW! I was later told that they were something called churches and not castles, but I didn't get it. What the hell was a church? Why don't princesses live there? (I know, even then I was hell bound).
Anyways, today was full of ups and downs- perhaps due to medication changes, perhaps due to my crazy. I woke up this morning annoyed (rightfully so, it was 5:00am and I couldn't get back to sleep). However, once I accepted the fact that falling back asleep was not going to happen I dragged myself into the kitchen to make tea and toast. I munched on my toast and watched the morning news. I started thinking about a couple friends who I don't see as much as I would like to. So I sent a small text to wish them a good morning, reminding them of their inner awesome (cause we don't do it enough). As these individuals are amazing people, I got some love back.
Ok, you know the warm fuzzies don't last all day right?
They did for bit. I went out with a friend for lunch and hung out a bit. I had a good time - we went to a veggie restaurant that I liked, we talked, laughed...it seemed to brighten my spirits.
However, after the visit I felt tired. I had plans with another friend, but I didn't feel up to going. I cancelled, and hated myself for it. My friend was of course more than understanding - offering her support and company. But we all know how bad I am at accepting that.
The unknown caloric content of my lunch was killing me. Even worse, later in the afternoon I ate a muffin that I had in the freezer. Now, many people would look at said muffin and say it was healthy- too healthy almost. Whole grain, no added sugar (sweetness came from carrots and raisins), small instead of bakery style, no saturated or trans fat... muffin of health freaks.
Not to me. It had x grams of sugar and x calories. It wasn't planned. It was unnecessary. Look- it made me gain x faction of a pound!
Another shameful admission: I probably weigh myself a hundred times a day. That's a conservative guess.
Every time I do check my weight I have to do so twice - you get different readings depending where on the floor you place the scale. I do it before and after meals, with a housecoat on, without a housecoat on, before I shower, after I shower, when I walk by it, when I'm leaving, when I come back....
I know I seem like a cargo truck of crazy now, but it's the reality. I know that fluctuations even up to 5 pounds are normal. Yet if a certain number is reached I flip.
So that keeps me down- guilt and depression and all other fun things I discuss.
However, there are some times when I can see the good - which I couldn't months ago. Today had moments of light and dark - but I'm going to try to end it thinking of the castles (metaphoric castles - referring to all of you people who I care about so much).
May you see castles instead of government offices and expensive hotels,
Peace love and veggies,
Alex
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