Now why should someone like me feel alone? Hell, often I don't know. Tonight I had a fight with my mother and I realized I depended on my lovely therapist far too much. Tonight is my first night without my friend Sarah staying over, and I really underestimated how much I'd miss her. Also, I missed my dads call when I was brushing my teeth, and now he has his phone off.
Still, this isn't why I feel lonely.
I feel like many people won't understand me, and those who do I will become too reliant on and eventually alienate. I guess that's where the whole "Avoidant Personality Disorder" thing applies - avoid potentially dangerous social situations/relationships so you don't get hurt by rejection.
My fight with my mum was about -try to guess-, a documentary. I watched powerless (on the fifth estate on the cbc website- check it out!) and it sparked anger and disgust. It was about a program for teenage drug users in Calgary (where I was born and raised). Without going into details that are better explained in the film, the gist of it was this place used inhumane practices and pseudo religious indoctrination. The film also featured donors for the place - and one of the biggest supporters was someone my dad works with! I have very strong opinions on drug policy and treatment, and the thought of someone we knew personally supporting this made me feel nauseous. Furthermore, this organization was the same one that came into our grade 10 life skills class to teach us about addiction - that is just forked! Anyways, I call my mum with this passionate viewpoint, wanting to tell her how abhorrent the program was, and how my dads coworker actually supported it.
However, a friend of a friend of my mum's had a kid that went there. Completely changed him apparently, and now he is clean and sober and helping other teens in his situation...yeah. I still felt the same way about the program (I am not keen on the 12 steps model and I believe in harm prevention). We got into an argument about it (I didn't even get a word in about my dads coworker), and I ended up saying "Mum, I'm done talking to you now, goodbye". I know that's an immature way to handle it, but voices were raised and I didn't want to argue anymore. My passion about the issue died, and I curled up into a ball and cried.
I Know, very pathetic and juvenile. I just felt is she is being so hypocritical; she can go on long tangents calling my father mentally unstable, involved with prostitutes, an unfit parent , someone who could abandon us at ay moment etc. and yet she can't let me express my feelings about addictions treatment. I know that there are two sides to every story, but I am (well, was) a social work student who has opinions about these things.
I just spoke to her again. I told her it was probably just me being stupid, but I didn't want to talk and I wanted to go to bed.
When I get upset like this it's proof to her that I'm too emotionally fragile to hear the truth.
So maybe now she'll be keeping herself from me too, while expecting me to talk openly. I am constantly accused of keeping secrets from her. I never do/did, but sometimes I will forget that my parents are not communicating, so if one of them tells me something, or if I tell one of them something, it is not transferred to the other.
I don't know which is worse - having someone you love spew hatred about another person that you love, or being treated as incompetent.
I'm going to try to sleep, despite the tears and snot and whimpering.
Peace, love and veggies,
Alex
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