I am back from Toronto and feeling ok. Got home early cause porter cancelled my flight (at 2:30) and said if I RAN I could get on the 1:30 flight. Unlike my recent experience with rushing to catch a flight, this one was successful.
Not a whole lot really happened today. Dudesie got food poisoning last night and was still sick this morning. Thankfully his clients were understanding (or at least afraid that he would projectile vomit on them) and so he got to rest today. I offered to go to his meetings for him, but he declined. So all I could really do was get him ginger ale and golf magazines and leave him alone.
I went to a bike shop hoping to purchase a folding bike to travel with. An unnecessary luxury item I know - but how many times have I been somewhere and wished I had a bike with me? Several, that's how many. Anyways I didn't end up getting one as the shop would need a few hours to inspect/tune up/do a bike selling ceremonial dance. I told them I might me back. As I walked away I felt really awful for wasting their time, getting them all stoked to make a sale, for not going to the bike shop yesterday....the list goes on. Please keep this scenario in mind when I get into the topic of today. It is called "guilt and acceptance".
This is a recurring theme throughout my life. I am so often driven by guilt, and the guilt deepens my depression. Then I feel guilty for being depressed. See where this is going? To the land of sunshine and unicorns? No. It's landed me in the land of starvation and self harm, suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts. It is not a happy land.
I am trying to get out of this cycle by changing my behaviours. What will take far longer is changing my feelings of guilt to feelings of acceptance, and eventually forgiveness.
What does this mean exactly? What do I feel so guilty about? Do I secretly torture kittens? Set elementary schools on fire? No, none of that. No matter what I do, I can find someway to feel guilty about it.
Let's think of an example...
I am lounging on my bed, writing this blog on my laptop. Here are the things that are guilt-inducing in this situation:
- I am lounging, being sedentary
- This means I'm lazy
- Which is why I am fat
- My keyboard is dirty, I should be cleaning it
- My quilt has a stain that I should remove
- The sun is shining and I should be outside
- I am being reclusive being here all by myself
There are many more, but you get the picture. Take notice of the use of the word "should". My therapist encourages me to stop using words like "should" and "sorry" and instead use "could" or "....I accept?". Well, I went to thesaurus.com and came up with the phrases "I am obligated to" and "My apologies". I'm really surprised that she has not started ripping her hair about and/or banging her head against the wall.
Speaking of which, saying "my therapist" is redundant and clunky, but I want to maintain her confidentiality blah blah blah. I shall call her "TOAR", which stands for "Therapist of Alex Rowan".
Semantics aside, what Toar is getting at is that these feelings, feeling guilty for what I have or haven't done, are perpetuating the cycle.
Guilt demands punishment, while acceptance allows forgiveness and self care. Of course guilt serves some purposes as it allows us to learn from our mistakes. But what happens when everything is a mistake? Everything deserves punishment?
Then you get me.
I will feel guilty, say horrible things about myself, keep myself doing what I enjoy (when I still enjoyed things) and if it gets bad enough, punish myself physically (no guys, not in a kinky way) either by self injury or eating disordered behaviours.
Eating disorders are chock full of guilt. Guilt (in the form of perfectionism) is actually a trait that predisposes you to disordered eating. Guilt for eating, for not exercising, for not purging, or for an unacceptable number on a scale/pant size.
Then you start to go towards recovery. You are torn.
"I should do this, this is healthy"
"I should do this, or I'll gain weight (or whatever terrible consequence your eating disorder insists will happen".
Obviously, having health in mind is well....healthier. However, to truly recover it's acceptance that will set you free.
I'm still working on that.
I find myself feeling guilty about developing and maintaining an eater disorder. There are some who argue that eating disorders are a choice. As you choose to eat or not eat, and since hunger is unpleasant, many would think resuming normal eating behaviour would be an obvious choice.
I shall put aside genetics, brain chemistry/structure, societal pressures and everything else that contributes to the development of eating disorders for now, but I will say this: It's a choice without informed consent.
Maybe one day you decide you want to lose a few pounds. Maybe one day you realize how comforting it is to eat when you're stressed. Maybe you want the good feelings associated with eating (physiologically, eating high carbohydrate food triggers a rush of serotonin in your brain) and want to some how want to avoid weight gain or even begin weight loss. You've got some reason to do it, cause if not you wouldn't do it.
and even I know I'm not that dumb
So you do something that works. Maybe it's bingeing. Maybe it's restricting. Maybe it's over exercising. Maybe it's bingeing and purging. Despite the possible negative consequences of doing this, you do it (usually out of desperation, but again I'm putting cause that aside now).
Then you run into problems you either weren't aware of or underestimated the severity of. You get obsessive, antisocial, moody. You're body becomes damaged. Your relationships become damaged. Your grades fall. Tears fall. You spend the majority of your time thinking about food, size, miles ran etc.
It stops being a choice
None of us wanted that, but that's where it took us. Nothing could of prepared us(or maybe I should only speak personally- me) for this.
Ok, that's enough for now. I am wishing that everyone you reads this can find some acceptance. I'm still searching.
Maybe I'll look under the coach.
Peace, love and veggies,
Alex
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