connections

Hello readers!

Oh my, I sure have experienced a variety of emotions today!

This morning I had a meeting with my practicum coordinator. I was terrified (as I always am in those situations). I wanted to discuss more options for placements in the fall, and was also hoping to get more information on how my grades from last year would be handled and how that would present itself on my audit.

Anyways, it went pretty smoothly, though I didn't get any information on my grades. The school of social work made various accommodations for my nearly completed courses from last year. However, these were not yet confirmed by the registrar's office, and I have a big, ugly "D-" on my audit. The awards office recently saw this and cancelled my scholarship.

I'm very fortunate that my parents put away money to send me to school, and thus the scholarship isn't "necessary". However, it was a source of pride for me....it made me believe (just a little) that I deserved my education. However, I can learn to live without that.

I cannot live with a D-

I know that's a little melodramatic, but before that my worst grade in university has been a B+. I also take what I am studying very seriously, and do feel that in some ways these grades reflect us personally. This course is our only direct intervention course. If you were a grad school, would you accept a social work student who failed to learn how to deal with clients? I don't think you would.

On the bright side my practicum is looking more hopeful. I am applying to an agency that provides emergency housing/support to women and children fleeing violence. It would be such a great opportunity. Every time I think about getting the chance to "be there" for these people in crisis- to have them allow me into their lives in such a personal way....I just feel so privileged and thankful. I really hope it works out!

Anyways, the rest of the day was busy. I had to rush home, give Nona her medicine (she was not pleased about this), then rush off to a trainer appointment. I came back and pretended to sleep for a bit, as I can't really nap cause I can't turn my brain off without medications....but I needed a break! Another drug I'm taking has huge sedative effects, and so fatigue is something I just have to deal with. Moving on-

I also had a group therapy meeting - the last one I shall have for a while (as my class conflicts with it). This is where I get into the topic of "connections". I came into the group feeling content and ready to talk. However, due to my passive/soft spoken/excessively polite nature, I was never given the opportunity to speak. I tried many times (I had a lot to say), but ultimately someone louder or quicker would take the spotlight. Eventually I felt so shut down that I stopped trying.

I got home feeling pretty low. I got into a horrible state of mind where I kept on telling myself that it doesn't matter- what I have to say doesn't matter.

However, I went on an online forum that I frequent (theppk.com). It's a vegan forum, and many of the users share a lot of my social/political viewpoints. I didn't even mention the group incident, but I was met with a lot of support and encouragement.

I've been thinking a bit about technology and how it influences our social relationships. There are so many people who believe it to be some sort of evil force that sucks us away from authentic human interaction. This view made me feel so guilty, as I spend a lot of time online. It seemed to highlight the fact that I was socially awkward/incapable.

Our world seems to really prefer extroverts who are outgoing/talkative/"friendly"/loud. Introverts like myself on the other hand are seen as reclusive/shy/aloof, and are often ignored.

Online, we are equal. The introverts get a voice just as loud as an extrovert, and can often express themselves easier in written form (like me!).

So is a relationship where all communication is in the form of text somehow less real? I don't think so. Sometimes what we show on the outside is dramatically different than what goes on in our internal world.

I also think about this blog- how grateful I am to have such an outlet, that people actually read it, how I can be heard.

Ok, I hope that all made sense. You are all wonderful!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex