Yes I know, yet again I've neglected to blog and yet again I'm apologizing.
Right now I am coming down with some sort of bug, and am feeling guilty for not exercising this evening. Yes, even though I had a slight fever and felt lightheaded I still felt guilty. I'm really upset that one of my favourite things to do (bike) is becoming intertwined with the disorder. It fucked with my love of baking, fucked with my social life, physical health....Bah.
Anyways, that's the main thought running through my head at the moment. I've done ok food wise over the past few days which is something to feel proud about (not that I do). Emotionally it's been a struggle not to let myself give in to depression. At the same time I'm not supposed to feel bad or guilty for being depressed. So....how do I do both? So many of my actions are one out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Toar suggests that I adopt the mentality of "I want to do this (this being some sort of coping skill/distraction from depression) because it's good for me, even though I may not feel like I want to this minute". I love the idea but it's hard when your self esteem is nil.
I know that I talk a lot about guilt on this blog, and I'm sorry for being redundant (haha, compulsive apologizing). It's an ongoing theme in my life that I'm trying so hard to overcome. I can find guilt in any situation. For example, the ED gives me numerous feelings of guilt over calories consumed, calories burned etc. On the opposing end, the feminist inside me who is so against the "thin ideal" most women aspire to feels stupid and thus guilty for falling into that warped way of thinking. Sometimes I really can't win.
This my meal plan didn't post like I wanted it to I'm going to forgo posting it. However, I would love to write about nutrition (especially nutrition myths) in future posts.
What else....I wish I could report more. I haven't been doing much of late, as my class hasn't started yet and I tend to isolate when I'm down. The days sort of meld into one melancholy, apathetic blob. On the bright side I did have a good day today (hence the energy to blog). Even though I'm under the weather, I got to spend time with a good friend, make a big pot of lentil soup and watched a movie that I wanted to see ("all the little animals"-loved it!). Such simple things but they made a difference. I think the biggest difference was spending time with a friend. It is the relationships to our friends, family, lovers etc. that make us whole and give our lives meaning. They are healing for me.
I often feel unworthy, unable or uninterested in being around these people. Some of this is fear of rejection, some of it's ED related, but all of it is keeping me trapped.
Anyways guys I'm dozing off. Please know that despite many difficulties I am fighting through it. Not an easy task as I've got a lifetime of negative thought patterns and emotional turmoil to fix, so it will take time.
Keep on trucking guys, I'm trying to.
Peace, love and veggies,
Alex
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