First I must inform you that unfortunately the blackbird I took to the wild bird care center died shortly after he was admitted. He had substantial head trauma and a broken clavicle. There wasn't anything they could do for him. I almost wish I didn't take him there. It makes me so sad to think that his last moments were spent not just in agony but also in sheer terror.
I know, I know.....you all probably think I'm being melodramatic and childish. There is so much suffering in the world and who cares if a blackbird hits a glass wall and dies. That's nature.
Except it isn't.
and I care.
He died because of something humans created. Something that we never consider sinister as we don't often die from crashing into it.
Many of my friends know me as an environmentalist/hippie. That is true in some sense. I try to educate myself on environmental issues. I try to recycle and buy "green" (whatever the hell that is now....mostly a marketing ploy). I want to protect the earth from the harm humanity inflicts upon it....
Yet everyday I feel like such a goddamn hypocrite. I have far more "stuff" than I need. My closet is full of clothes that I buy to give me a moment of satisfaction during the purchase and perhaps a tiny self esteem boost when I wear them. I have dvds, electronics, more clothes and shoes....
I feel guilty for this. Not only because I do not deserve it, but also because of the damage producing and transporting and eventually disposing of all this "stuff" does. Chemical fertilizers to grow cotton, destruction of the land to mine metal, toxins from plastic, sweatshop labour, energy consumption to import the stuff.....it's overwhelming.
Also, consider how this stuff came into my possession. I am relying completely on my parents financially. My dad is the one who has an income. He is a *ahem* managing director of institutional sales at a private banking firm that specializes in oil and gas companies. He figures out how to lend money (in the form of stock investment) to companies that will eventually make the most money. Oil and gas companies, like the ones who cause environmental catastrophes like the oil spill in the gulf of mexico and the tar sand extraction in northern Alberta and and and.....
The list is too long and depressing.
Essentially, everything I own has been bought with dirty money. I feel a great deal of guilt and personal responsibility. I feel like a fraud.
I perpetuate this by being dependent, by being sick/crazy.
I just so often feel like I can never be a good enough person to justify my own existence. There's no chance I can justify the damage I've already done and continue to do. Right now I'm drinking a bottle of diet pepsi. I'm doing it selfishly, cause I want my taste buds to be entertained without the intake of calories. So I drink the bubbly, chemical water from a plastic bottle that will either be recycled (still a process that uses a lot of energy) or worse thrown away to end up in a landfill.
I know this is a bunch of pathetic whining and rambling. I just wish I could turn back time and do the right thing and think the right way and just not....be me.
Oh boo-hoo, poor spoiled bitch
When do you get to a place where you are convinced that your life matters? That by being on earth you have done everything in your power to make things better, or at least not cause undue suffering. I guess this is where people turn to religion but that doesn't work for me.
No epiphanies, no conclusion, no answers....just a bunch of musings and rambles. Let me assure you dear reader that YOU do matter. You've cared enough to read my ranting this long, you have to be innately good and patient, and compassionate even to those who don't deserve it.
Don't be scared, I am not hinting at suicide. Though those types of thoughts do creep into my head from time to time, the vision of my mother and father and sister and friends screaming in emotional agony (following my OD in January) has kept me from doing anything of that nature. I am just lost and confused and feel like such a waste of time and resources.
Anyways, I am going to pop some pills (prescribed by my psychomalobimabob) and go to bed.
I hope this post doesn't leave you depressed, if so I am very sorry.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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