Who is speaking?

I have been sitting on my bed staring mindlessly into space for the past few minutes...

....pause again.....

I have found myself unable or unwilling to make any decisions, so I do nothing.

.....pause......

Today should (No! I shouldn't use the word "should") have been a good day. I met up with a friend I had not seen in a long time and had a lovely, long and interesting conversation over coffee on the patio. As someone who tends to isolate, this is rare and awesome.

Then I got home.

I realized I hadn't eaten for over 6 hours, and ate a whole bunch of food that was less nutritious (yet equivalent calorie wise....peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on toast) and went at it.

Is this a binge, or a normal reaction to not having food for six hours? Is this the eating disorder or is it me?

I don't know.

Then I realized the time, almost 4. I had planned to attend a yoga class at 5:15.

Then I started to feel the effects of being out in the bright sun for so long....I was (am still) exhausted. I was all hot and sunburnt. I did not want to go and do poses with strangers and get overheated. I wanted to relax and enjoy the wonders of air conditioning.

Yet I had to ask myself- am I just using heat exhaustion as an excuse? Am I just putting off yoga because I don't want to be around other people?

I still don't know.

I just sat there, trying to make a decision until so much time had passed that the decision was made for me.

Since then I've felt guilty. I am berating myself for everything I do. I decided to watch a movie I had rented on my laptop. I slipped into my bed and turned it on. Then I began to critique myself - why are you in bed? You're just perpetuating the depression. This is what you do when you're depressed. Stop." I then got out, made my bed carefully and turned the movie back on. I liked the movie, but it felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I was back in high school skipping class instead of an adult who made the decision not to go to a drop in yoga class.

I wanted someone to tell me it was ok- I wanted to stop feeling guilty. I tried to fight the thoughts...but I couldn't. I stopped watching the movie.

I thought about other situations where I cannot tell where the behaviour came from. I don't drink. Is it a healthy choice? Having used unhealthy coping strategies in the past, I can easily see myself becoming an alcoholic. Also, nowadays I literally cannot drink because combined with my medications it could result in a seizure.

However, I have other not so healthy reasons. For starters, alcohol is empty calories. However, I am scared the most of losing my inhibitions. I could/would make a fool out of myself. I might even allow myself to order food...

So I don't. I make excuses and stay alone in my apartment. Eventually if you do that enough, people stop asking.

So I am alone, with only a disorder to keep me company.

It keeps me locked away so I can eat foods that I prepared and feel comfortable with. Food that I know has x amount of calories. It forces me to jump on the scale over and over. Sometimes when I feel especially vulnerable, I don't even want to drink water for fear of causing a higher number. How warped is that? When I manage to go out to a resteraunt, I convince myself that the world is somehow conspiring to make me fat. I order a diet coke and am convinced it's a regular coke and they're just tricking me.

I want this to be over so badly.

Anyways, I'm going to go put something on my fried skin.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex