It's difficult to write this entry as almost everyone who reads this is a dear friend of mine. I don't want to come across as unappreciative of all the things you guys have done. However, I am feeling lonely and rejected.
Not by any of you. Actually I can't blame anybody for these feelings but myself.
I go too long without seeing friends. Yes I have a fantastic roommate, but it is not the same as hanging out with a friend. I feel like I've lost so many people that I was once close to. It's happened to me before - suicide attempts, admissions to psych wards and eye surgeries tend to make people scared and uncomfortable. I also can be hard to hang out with due to ED issues. Going out for lunch is scary for me. I make excuses and stress over it, so either I am flaky or preoccupied with the estimated caloric content of the mystery restaurant food.
There are also so few people that I can really open up with. I can talk candidly about my experiences with mental health issues- but the conversation is usually dotted with sarcasm and self deprecating humour. I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable (read: emotional) in front of people. This is a dangerous thing as it stops me from being with people (which improves my mood) when I need the support the most.
This entry is so choppy and incoherent. For the past few days I've been unable express myself in writing. Maybe I'm just afraid of being redundant. It's like my therapy sessions, the same issues always arising:
- I feel guilty about everything
- I suck at having a social life
- My ED is still around, messing with me
- My mood is unstable
Ok there's more than that but I keep repeating myself. I keep on thinking "I've talked about this before, why haven't I fixed it by now?" I have been taught so many skills in my years of therapy, so why am I still left clueless when faced with problems? Argh.
Anyways readers, I hope I haven't scared you off.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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