connections

Hello readers!

Oh my, I sure have experienced a variety of emotions today!

This morning I had a meeting with my practicum coordinator. I was terrified (as I always am in those situations). I wanted to discuss more options for placements in the fall, and was also hoping to get more information on how my grades from last year would be handled and how that would present itself on my audit.

Anyways, it went pretty smoothly, though I didn't get any information on my grades. The school of social work made various accommodations for my nearly completed courses from last year. However, these were not yet confirmed by the registrar's office, and I have a big, ugly "D-" on my audit. The awards office recently saw this and cancelled my scholarship.

I'm very fortunate that my parents put away money to send me to school, and thus the scholarship isn't "necessary". However, it was a source of pride for me....it made me believe (just a little) that I deserved my education. However, I can learn to live without that.

I cannot live with a D-

I know that's a little melodramatic, but before that my worst grade in university has been a B+. I also take what I am studying very seriously, and do feel that in some ways these grades reflect us personally. This course is our only direct intervention course. If you were a grad school, would you accept a social work student who failed to learn how to deal with clients? I don't think you would.

On the bright side my practicum is looking more hopeful. I am applying to an agency that provides emergency housing/support to women and children fleeing violence. It would be such a great opportunity. Every time I think about getting the chance to "be there" for these people in crisis- to have them allow me into their lives in such a personal way....I just feel so privileged and thankful. I really hope it works out!

Anyways, the rest of the day was busy. I had to rush home, give Nona her medicine (she was not pleased about this), then rush off to a trainer appointment. I came back and pretended to sleep for a bit, as I can't really nap cause I can't turn my brain off without medications....but I needed a break! Another drug I'm taking has huge sedative effects, and so fatigue is something I just have to deal with. Moving on-

I also had a group therapy meeting - the last one I shall have for a while (as my class conflicts with it). This is where I get into the topic of "connections". I came into the group feeling content and ready to talk. However, due to my passive/soft spoken/excessively polite nature, I was never given the opportunity to speak. I tried many times (I had a lot to say), but ultimately someone louder or quicker would take the spotlight. Eventually I felt so shut down that I stopped trying.

I got home feeling pretty low. I got into a horrible state of mind where I kept on telling myself that it doesn't matter- what I have to say doesn't matter.

However, I went on an online forum that I frequent (theppk.com). It's a vegan forum, and many of the users share a lot of my social/political viewpoints. I didn't even mention the group incident, but I was met with a lot of support and encouragement.

I've been thinking a bit about technology and how it influences our social relationships. There are so many people who believe it to be some sort of evil force that sucks us away from authentic human interaction. This view made me feel so guilty, as I spend a lot of time online. It seemed to highlight the fact that I was socially awkward/incapable.

Our world seems to really prefer extroverts who are outgoing/talkative/"friendly"/loud. Introverts like myself on the other hand are seen as reclusive/shy/aloof, and are often ignored.

Online, we are equal. The introverts get a voice just as loud as an extrovert, and can often express themselves easier in written form (like me!).

So is a relationship where all communication is in the form of text somehow less real? I don't think so. Sometimes what we show on the outside is dramatically different than what goes on in our internal world.

I also think about this blog- how grateful I am to have such an outlet, that people actually read it, how I can be heard.

Ok, I hope that all made sense. You are all wonderful!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Is it true? am I actually looking forward to something?

Hello chumbles!

I just said goodnight to my poor litle Bunchkin (bunny munchkin, FYI) Nona. She got her baby making organs taken out and is now home. Poor thing is sore and doesn't want to eat much, but I was able to get her to eat some sliced apple, cilantro and banana chips. It was so weird last night (she had to stay at the animal hospital), the place seemed so empty! Anyways, healing vibes would be greatly appreciated!

I'm recovering from the whole POF guy trauma. After I posted my blog entry he texted me again. He asked if we could just be sex buddies (since I wasn't interested in a relationship). Umm....no? Anyways, that made me feel a little less guilty about the whole situation. Anyone who has met me should know that I could never do that.

Oh, and yes, the title of this entry is true! A few lovely events are approaching. A most wonderful person is coming to Ottawa for a few days (*waves* you know who you are!) and it will be delightful to see them again. Also, Monday of next week will be the start of my late summer class. I'm so, so happy to be back at school. I've been off since mid November, and am just excited to be back studying what I love to study. It's actually not a social work class I'm taking, but a sociology class about addictions. I realized yesterday that I knew the prof as a guest speaker from a class last summer. She was awesome and really involved in a lot of advocacy work related to harm reduction, drug policy and honest drug education. Yay!

Academics aside, it will be so nice to be in a class of people outside my major, and just being able to start fresh. When I started University I was able to do this as my past was unknown. However, due to the events of this year many people in my program are aware of my struggles. It's not a matter of them being gossips, but rather genuinely concerned. However, it will be nice to meet people and have them see me as normal. The only other new people I've met recently have been in the ED support group I attend. However, everyone in the group has the assumption that you struggle with an ED (or else why would you be there?). Now I will just get to be a student....how awesome is that?

Also, next week I have a 6 week post operative appointment. Hopefully I will get the news that all is well and that the gas bubble that they inserted to support my healing retina has dissolved. This will give me the go ahead to use air travel. I want to go out west so badly- not Calgary as much as Windermere or Victoria. I miss those mountains, and of course it would be nice to see the family (as awkward and dramatic as it is).

Anyways, I should be signing off. I have an appointment with an administrator from the school of social work....and being over tired would not help me convince this person that I am mentally stable and competent for a student placement. Hopefully it goes well!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

no apologies

Hey everyone,

I have been given a challenge by Toar. I'm not allowed to say "sorry" unless I physically injure someone.

I failed....ten times already.

Ok, I had a reason.

This guy I met online texted me today. Hey, don't judge Toar recommended this dating website. Anyways, we had texted/emailed a bit and met up once. Then I got my eye surgery and kind of....stopped communicating.

He texted this afternoon to see what was up, if I was still interested, that sort of thing. We texted back and forth for a bit, but I had a meeting with Toar and turned off my cell phone.

When I left the office I was all consumed by thoughts of the "no apology" challenge that I forgot to message him back.

He texted me about an hour later to say he felt rejected, how he had liked me and wanted to kiss me when we met, how he thought something was there but "obviously it wasn't".

I said I was sorry so many times. I didn't tell him I was with my therapist (for obvious reasons) and instead told him a friend had called who really needed to talk.

He was still hurt.

I then told him that I was messed up, that I shouldn't have even considered pursuing new relationships. That I was negligent and unfair. I pleaded for him to believe it was all my fault.

He said he felt lost

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

It's not enough.

It is so strange to think that somebody felt rejected by me. I feel like an untouchable in India.....it's impossible for me to reject anyone. I don't deserve anyone.

I'm sorry

Ok, obviously this whole endeavor has failed tonight, so I'm going to stop depressing you guys and lie in bed for a while.

Peace, Love and Veggies

Alex

Person, place or thing

Hello everyone,

As you know, this blog is primarily focused on my battle with mental illness. However, today I wanted to step away from describing my problems and explain a different piece of who I am. I was recently asked a couple questions about my decision to be vegan. I did my best to explain, but as explained before my thoughts and feelings are usually expressed more coherently if they are written. So today I will explain how and why I became vegan, what changes it brought about and why I continue this lifestyle today.

The title of this entry is called "person, place or thing" because of a vivid childhood memory. I was five years old and sitting in my first grade classroom. My teacher was explaining that a noun was a "person, place or thing". We were then given a worksheet with pictures of different people, objects, places and animals. We were then asked to place them into the categories of "person" "place" or "thing". I got it pretty easily - chair = thing, mailman = person....

Then it showed a picture of a goldfish

Even then, I felt uncomfortable viewing animals as objects. Putting a goldfish in the same category as a chair seemed wrong to me.

I was always an animal lover, but not just because animals were cute or fun to play with. I empathized with them in a way that I couldn't always do with people. I saw them as somebodies not somethings- individuals with hearts and brains and spirits.

However, I did not grow up vegan or vegetarian. I thoroughly enjoyed the taste of meat, and was known to say "I feel bad about the animals but they taste so good I can't help it!".

However, when I think back to my 10 year old self chowing down on my meat lovers pizza, I don't believe that I truly knew/felt a connection to the animals that I was consuming. Like so many of us, it was simply food with no ethical meaning.

This sort of cognitive dissonance kept me from really thinking about the issue. Now when I use the term "cognitive dissonance" please know that I use it without judgement towards the person who exhibits the behaviour. If we were to critically examine every aspect of our lives, from what we eat to what we buy, we would be completely overwhelmed.

So why be vegan? Why not buy local or organic? What about the clothes I wear, are they made in sweat shops? Do I produce too much garbage?

There are a lot of things that I could change so that I could live more ethically. However, being vegan is more than a choice to boycott animal cruelty. It reflects a shift in how we view animals and how we interact with them.

This perspective is clearly demonstrated in the film "Earthlings". You can find it on youtube easily- and I have a copy of the dvd. It is horrific to watch, but it was the narrative that really forced me to think. If you can, watch the first few minutes- it demonstrates the perspective without the gore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkLt88_u5lQ&feature=PlayList&p=43B9A7F39BD66889&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1

There are many reasons people choose to be vegan, but in my opinion the most compelling reason is ethics. Some people adopt a vegan diet for health reasons (like Oprah!). While I do believe that a balanced vegan diet is extremely healthy, I don't deny the nutritional benefits of certain animal products. Vegans must ensure that they get adequate vitamin b12, iron and calcium. This can be difficult if you do not educate yourself on the matter. That being said, non vegans may be lacking in nutrients that vegans get plenty of. Basically, neither is inherently "superior" nutritionally. It is knowledge of nutrition and balance that fuel our bodies and keep us healthy.

There are some drawbacks to being vegan. Surprisingly, these drawbacks have nothing to do with the taste of vegan food (at least not to me). The challenge is living in a non vegan world. Food is so such a cultural and social thing, and I won't deny that being vegan can complicate these areas of your life. There is a certain sense of sacrifice. It does suck when your left picking at a green salad because that is the only vegan item on the menu. You will probably feel like an ass for refusing your grandmothers chicken soup (not that my grandmothers have ever made me soup). People can often get offended or defensive when you challenge their food choices (even without saying so, as your being vegan speaks loudly). So how do you deal?

You be polite and diplomatic. It is not about people being "bad" for eating animal products- it is about combatting our societies attitude towards animals. I try to voice my opinions honestly but not accusingly. I make amazing vegan baked goods and share them with people. I do not look to convert people, but instead strive to demonstrate that one can be healthy and happy without the use of animal products.

I should also mention that it is impossible to be 100% vegan. Identifying oneself as a vegan is more based on intention than it is about purity. We've created a world where just about everything contains animal products. There is gelatin in car tires and camera film. You will probably eat animal products by accident (I can recall a traumatic incident involving chinese food).

So where do you draw that line?

Ultimately, it's up for you to decide. For myself, I will only use an animal product if the product A) Is necessary for me to live healthily and B) Does not have a vegan alternative. There are a few scenarios in which I had to make this choice. I ride busses, cars and bicycles that have gelatin in the tires (there is no such thing as a "vegan tire" to my knowledge). I take medications in gelatin capsules, for without them I could not function. The most extreme example is when I "gave up" veganism for a few months in order to enter a day patient program for my eating disorder. There was/is no treatment program in Canada that would allow vegan diets. Even in the states I could only find three centers that would allow it. I needed intensive treatment, and I needed to learn to manage my eating disorder in the "real world" (IE: not in a far away treatment center). Though I disagreed with the "no veganism" policy, I still participated in the program, as without it I would not/could not be healthy physically or emotionally. Anyways, the point is that it is not about being perfect, it is about living your life in a way that reflects your values and challenges the way our society treats non human animals.

That being said, veganism can be (and for me, is) a wonderful way to live your life. It forced me to learn how to cook and try things I haven't before. I experiment with herbs and spices (even some I can't pronounce). I eat different styles of food, from Indian to Italian to Ethiopian. In many ways it actually expanded my diet instead of restricting it. It made me more aware of ways in which I could accommodate different dietary needs. When my sister removed dairy and gluten from her diet, I was able and more motivated to discover more alternatives for her. It also gave me a healthier relationship to food, seeing it as not only nourishment but a way to express my beliefs.

Ok, I should also mention the whole eating disorder and veganism topic. I recognize that many individuals use vegetarianism or veganism as a way to restrict calories and perpetuate the disorder. I also recognize the dangers of food obsession, and that being vegan involves a great deal of consideration and could possibly lead to obsession. For these reasons I sometimes hesitate discussing veganism to people, especially if I know the person I'm having the conversation has or is currently struggling with an eating disorder.

However, I think that this view is patronizing. It is this view that makes treatment centers shun vegan diets, and force people (like me) to choose between getting help and honouring our beliefs. I remember an intake worker at one center "challenging" me to consider how my veganism could be part of my eating disorder. This was really irritating. Deep down we know (though may not always want to admit) what we want and what the disorder wants. Ironically, there were many times the eating disorder wanted me to stop being vegan so I could eat the low calorie diet foods that contained animal products. It frustrates me that so many professionals share this viewpoint. It is a black and white mentality in which eating habits can only fall into the categories "normal" or "disordered". This reduces us (the eating disordered) to our disorders, viewing us as unable to make decisions on how we live our lives.

In the end, it is your choice. There are several reasons why I believe going vegan is the right thing to do, but I realize that they may not resonate with others as strongly as they did for me. I guess in the end all that I ask is for you think about it.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

environmentalism, fairness, guilt, selfishness.....

Hello everyone,

First I must inform you that unfortunately the blackbird I took to the wild bird care center died shortly after he was admitted. He had substantial head trauma and a broken clavicle. There wasn't anything they could do for him. I almost wish I didn't take him there. It makes me so sad to think that his last moments were spent not just in agony but also in sheer terror.

I know, I know.....you all probably think I'm being melodramatic and childish. There is so much suffering in the world and who cares if a blackbird hits a glass wall and dies. That's nature.

Except it isn't.

and I care.

He died because of something humans created. Something that we never consider sinister as we don't often die from crashing into it.

Many of my friends know me as an environmentalist/hippie. That is true in some sense. I try to educate myself on environmental issues. I try to recycle and buy "green" (whatever the hell that is now....mostly a marketing ploy). I want to protect the earth from the harm humanity inflicts upon it....

Yet everyday I feel like such a goddamn hypocrite. I have far more "stuff" than I need. My closet is full of clothes that I buy to give me a moment of satisfaction during the purchase and perhaps a tiny self esteem boost when I wear them. I have dvds, electronics, more clothes and shoes....

I feel guilty for this. Not only because I do not deserve it, but also because of the damage producing and transporting and eventually disposing of all this "stuff" does. Chemical fertilizers to grow cotton, destruction of the land to mine metal, toxins from plastic, sweatshop labour, energy consumption to import the stuff.....it's overwhelming.

Also, consider how this stuff came into my possession. I am relying completely on my parents financially. My dad is the one who has an income. He is a *ahem* managing director of institutional sales at a private banking firm that specializes in oil and gas companies. He figures out how to lend money (in the form of stock investment) to companies that will eventually make the most money. Oil and gas companies, like the ones who cause environmental catastrophes like the oil spill in the gulf of mexico and the tar sand extraction in northern Alberta and and and.....

The list is too long and depressing.

Essentially, everything I own has been bought with dirty money. I feel a great deal of guilt and personal responsibility. I feel like a fraud.

I perpetuate this by being dependent, by being sick/crazy.

I just so often feel like I can never be a good enough person to justify my own existence. There's no chance I can justify the damage I've already done and continue to do. Right now I'm drinking a bottle of diet pepsi. I'm doing it selfishly, cause I want my taste buds to be entertained without the intake of calories. So I drink the bubbly, chemical water from a plastic bottle that will either be recycled (still a process that uses a lot of energy) or worse thrown away to end up in a landfill.

I know this is a bunch of pathetic whining and rambling. I just wish I could turn back time and do the right thing and think the right way and just not....be me.

Oh boo-hoo, poor spoiled bitch

When do you get to a place where you are convinced that your life matters? That by being on earth you have done everything in your power to make things better, or at least not cause undue suffering. I guess this is where people turn to religion but that doesn't work for me.

No epiphanies, no conclusion, no answers....just a bunch of musings and rambles. Let me assure you dear reader that YOU do matter. You've cared enough to read my ranting this long, you have to be innately good and patient, and compassionate even to those who don't deserve it.

Don't be scared, I am not hinting at suicide. Though those types of thoughts do creep into my head from time to time, the vision of my mother and father and sister and friends screaming in emotional agony (following my OD in January) has kept me from doing anything of that nature. I am just lost and confused and feel like such a waste of time and resources.

Anyways, I am going to pop some pills (prescribed by my psychomalobimabob) and go to bed.

I hope this post doesn't leave you depressed, if so I am very sorry.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

blackbird fly

Hey guys,

This is not as much of a blog entry as it is a report on an event.

So I was at the gym, making myself all buff (not really). After I'm done I walk to the change room to take a shower. However, there was a bird in the middle of the hallway. This is a 6th floor gym downtown, so I was a little taken aback. I exclaimed "Bird, what are you doing here?". He then got spooked, tried to fly away but crashed into the glass wall in front of the pool area.

I worked at a vet clinic in rural BC for 3 summers and was hoping that he was just stunned (as birds usually are after hitting a window). They recommend leaving them and waiting 20 minutes before intervening, but obviously I couldn't leave him in the gym. I get a towel to pick him up and move him, and then I notice that he was bleeding out of his beak and his pupils quickly dilated. I go to the office area and ask if they knew of any vets that treated injured wildlife. Everyone looked confused for a moment and then realized I was carrying an injured bird. I didn't know that 2 of the trainers had huge phobias of birds and they panicked when they saw him. However, realizing that it was injured and in a towel they eased up a bit.

Or so they thought...

Almost on cue the bird leaps out of the towel directly into one of the frightened trainers. She screams and runs away. The other trainer is glued to the side of the room, while the massage therapist goes and helps me get him into a box. She then called a few vets and asked if they could take birds. Most of them either said they couldn't or that the most they could offer was euthanasia. I don't really know what to do.

I then remember I had plans that afternoon with a friend and would be late if I took the bird to a vet. I phone my friend and tell her(with a wavering, frantic voice) that I was so sorry but I had an injured bird and needed to get it medical attention. Thankfully she was cool about it and suggested that I go to the wild bird care center. I didn't know such a place existed, so she gave me the number and address and I was determined to get there.

However, you are not allowed to bring animals on OC transpo and it would take me over an hour to get there by bus, and I don't drive. So I jump into a taxi and give him the address. I felt kind of bad for the driver - he was driving to a place that's in the middle of nowhere with a disheveled and sweaty young woman clutching a box and whispering "it's going to be ok, they're going to take care of you" to said box.

So a 50.00$ taxi ride later I am able to bring the bird in and fill out the paperwork. He did not appreciate being examined, and the vet technicians looked at me doubtfully when I insisted that he had a possible head injury.

Anyways, they gave me a number to check up on him and sent me out the door. I got home after 2 hours of walking, busses and transfers (as this place was in the middle of nowhere).

I really hope he's ok, I shall give updates.

someday

Hello guys,

I've been meaning to write an entry about this for a while but have never gotten around to it. I guess that's because when I am in writing mode I usually have a topic to cover immediately, and if I'm not in the mood I just won't write, so I don't do the stuff I planned to blog about earlier.

Anyways, please go to this site and click on "media" (after the intro is done).

http://somedaymelissa.com/

For those of you who don't have the time to look at the website or view the trailer, it's a documentary in the making created by a mother who lost her 19 year old daughter (Melissa) to an eating disorder. After Melissa died her mother found her journal. One entry said this:

Someday...

I'll eat breakfast

I'll keep a job for more than 3 weeks

I'll have a boyfriend for more than 10 days

I'll love someone

I'll travel wherever I want

I'll make my family proud

I'll make a movie that will change lives

-August 2008

To make Melissa's last wish come true, her mum started this documentary. I look forward to it's completion because we need to show people who ED sufferers really are. How despite our struggles we still have hope. How much it tortures you physically and emotionally. What it also made me think about was my one list of "someday..."s.

Somedays aren't as much goals they are an expression of hope, Belief that things will get better, and that you will accomplish your dreams.

Some people would reject this, saying that you should put your mind to doing these things instead of just wishing for them. However, if you're going through turmoil, you simply live day to day and don't even think about the future. So for myself, "someday" is the very best I can do. I know that these things won't happen today, but they will someday.

Anyways, I've decided to make mine. I'm going to try to give 100, cause I know there are many.

Someday...

I will eat food and not numbers

I will hear people laugh and not assume they're laughing at me

I will look at the clock and not think "how many hours until___" but instead "This is fun and I don't want it to be over"

I will get really, really excited about something

I will dye my hair purple

I will be able to tell someone when they have hurt me

I will look back on the year on Class Afloat and not think of it as an experience wasted, but rather an atypical experience that will help me better understand people who are suffering

I will not need 8 different prescription medications to function every day

I will let people watch me dance

I will let people hear me sing (they probably won't want to, but I won't care)

I will see a platypus in it's natural environment

I will spend more time thinking about living instead of dying

I will find someone who I love and trust completely

I will be more proud of my strengths then I am ashamed of my weaknesses

I will not own a scale

I will be a mother

I will not fit any of the diagnoses in the DSM

I will chain myself to a tree to protect a forest from a logging company

My mum will not have to worry about me

I will get my BSW

I will not need any more eye surgeries

I will be able to sleep without pills

I will go to a party and be happy to be there

I will go to a yoga class and not compare myself to everyone there, but instead enjoy what it can do for my body and soul

I will write books that inspire people to make the world better

I will be a kick ass social worker

I will take more risks

I will not be as afraid of mistakes

I will adopt a dog

or two

I will bike from Ottawa to Montreal, heck maybe even across Canada

I will not keep a razor blade in my closet "just in case"I need to resort to cutting again

I will live in BC and enjoy the natural beauty

I will do whatever I can to end oppression, hunger, suffering, pollution....ultimately whatever it takes to make this world as good as it can be

I will be free from what is holding me back

I will meet someone in so much distress that they want to end their lives and tell them it does get better, and have them believe it

I will believe it too

sunburnt and the ABCDE of melanoma detection

Hey everyone,

Don't worry- I do not (or at least, I'm pretty sure I don't) have skin cancer. It was the only thing I could think of to describe my day. My shoulders and face are sunburnt and I spent some time trying to evaluate a mole for melanoma-ishness. Not only is this a sad excuse for entertainment, but considering this particular mole is on my back it's very awkward. I tried straining my neck to view it, I tried to look at it in the mirror, and I tried taking pictures of it. All attempts were unsuccessful. So I have no idea if said mole is A) Asymmetrical B) had an irregular border C) Has variation in colour D) Is more than 5mm in diameter or E) is elevated.

Hah.

Anywhoseit, I am pretty out of it at the moment and don't have too much wisdom to share. I'm waiting for something to change and give more purpose, opportunity and things to look forward to. Maybe when my course begins that will happen. Maybe not. Maybe when/if I get the go ahead from the eye doc to use air travel. I'm hoping to venture out west soon....

Anyways, I'm rambling. Have a good night.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

guilt fever

Hey followers!

Yes I know, yet again I've neglected to blog and yet again I'm apologizing.

Right now I am coming down with some sort of bug, and am feeling guilty for not exercising this evening. Yes, even though I had a slight fever and felt lightheaded I still felt guilty. I'm really upset that one of my favourite things to do (bike) is becoming intertwined with the disorder. It fucked with my love of baking, fucked with my social life, physical health....Bah.

Anyways, that's the main thought running through my head at the moment. I've done ok food wise over the past few days which is something to feel proud about (not that I do). Emotionally it's been a struggle not to let myself give in to depression. At the same time I'm not supposed to feel bad or guilty for being depressed. So....how do I do both? So many of my actions are one out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Toar suggests that I adopt the mentality of "I want to do this (this being some sort of coping skill/distraction from depression) because it's good for me, even though I may not feel like I want to this minute". I love the idea but it's hard when your self esteem is nil.

I know that I talk a lot about guilt on this blog, and I'm sorry for being redundant (haha, compulsive apologizing). It's an ongoing theme in my life that I'm trying so hard to overcome. I can find guilt in any situation. For example, the ED gives me numerous feelings of guilt over calories consumed, calories burned etc. On the opposing end, the feminist inside me who is so against the "thin ideal" most women aspire to feels stupid and thus guilty for falling into that warped way of thinking. Sometimes I really can't win.

This my meal plan didn't post like I wanted it to I'm going to forgo posting it. However, I would love to write about nutrition (especially nutrition myths) in future posts.

What else....I wish I could report more. I haven't been doing much of late, as my class hasn't started yet and I tend to isolate when I'm down. The days sort of meld into one melancholy, apathetic blob. On the bright side I did have a good day today (hence the energy to blog). Even though I'm under the weather, I got to spend time with a good friend, make a big pot of lentil soup and watched a movie that I wanted to see ("all the little animals"-loved it!). Such simple things but they made a difference. I think the biggest difference was spending time with a friend. It is the relationships to our friends, family, lovers etc. that make us whole and give our lives meaning. They are healing for me.

I often feel unworthy, unable or uninterested in being around these people. Some of this is fear of rejection, some of it's ED related, but all of it is keeping me trapped.

Anyways guys I'm dozing off. Please know that despite many difficulties I am fighting through it. Not an easy task as I've got a lifetime of negative thought patterns and emotional turmoil to fix, so it will take time.

Keep on trucking guys, I'm trying to.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

You will feel better after

Hello y'all,

So I know that I have really sucked at updating this blog. I've stated before that this blog is helpful for me in that it allows me to reflect without it feeling forced or fake (like it does in a journal entry). Without blogging I lose both the accountability for my actions and the insight gained in critical examination of an entry after the fact. I know that many of you have gained something from reading this, which makes me feel even worse about not blogging.

Yet lately I've struggled with figuring out what to write. In a semi catatonic depressed state I usually just lie there and pretend to be asleep. So I haven't written, and I have no idea what thoughts or emotion accompany the times problems arise. The result is being left in Toar's office expressing sadness and hopelessness and having no idea why.

There are more reasons lately that I haven't updated. Another is that some thoughts and emotions have caused me a lot of shame. I know it seems odd- I've been (sometimes brutally) honest about situations that most would never dream of sharing. I am hopeful that these recent issues will come to light in future entries, but not now.

So you may be wondering why my title is "you will feel better after". It has been my mantra of late, forcing me out of bed and out of the house to ride my bike, meet up with people....basically to do things that will ultimately be healing. Since I feel weak and unmotivated for a majority of the time, I have to repeat this several times. It is a very different perspective, as usually my mantra to get things done is "you SHOULD do this". This places the emphasis on what I want instead of some kind of perceived duty. Not easy guys, but I'm trying. This is also what I told myself this morning to make me blog (along with a gentle reminder from a lovely reader).

So what I thought I'd do for now is this: I make a meal plan for every day, ensuring I get the proper amount/types of food each day. I have struggled with following it, and have stopped sharing them with Toar because I am ashamed at this failure. So I'm going to give them to you to look at. Hopefully it will give a good insight into what proper nutrition is and will increase my accountability to my plan. I'm hoping that it will help me be successful (and hope it will help you too!).

Oh, and if you're wondering what this is based on, it is a vegan meal plan created with the help of Canada's food guide. Enjoy!

Oh, the little add in's (IE: "eaten earlier" mean that I had experienced a semi binge earlier in the day. The plan is written the previous evening with every intention of following it to the t. It sadly, rarely happens that way and I'll binge on things I planned to eat later in the day (thus making much of the "times eaten" column irrelevant). However, this will give you an idea of both my intentions and my slips.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Meal	Time	Food Groups	Food Selection
Breakfast	8:00	2 grains, 1 protein, 2 fruits, ½ milk alternatives	2 pieces of cinnamon raisin toast with 2 tbsp almond/hazelnut butter,1 ½ cups diced watermelon, coffee with ½ cup almond milk
Snack	10:00	3 fruits, 1 milk alternative	Smoothie with ½ cup each of frozen mango, strawberries and banana and 1 cup almond milk
Lunch	12:00	2 veggies, 2 grain	Pesto taboulle salad, PB sandwich crackers (crackers eaten early)
Snack	3:00	1 grain	Whole grain carrot muffin (eaten earlier)
Dinner	6:30	1 grain, 1 protein, 1 veggie, ½ mik alternative	Seitan pot pie and 1 cup carrot soup, coffee with ½ cup almond milk

isolation

Hey favourite people,

It's difficult to write this entry as almost everyone who reads this is a dear friend of mine. I don't want to come across as unappreciative of all the things you guys have done. However, I am feeling lonely and rejected.

Not by any of you. Actually I can't blame anybody for these feelings but myself.

I go too long without seeing friends. Yes I have a fantastic roommate, but it is not the same as hanging out with a friend. I feel like I've lost so many people that I was once close to. It's happened to me before - suicide attempts, admissions to psych wards and eye surgeries tend to make people scared and uncomfortable. I also can be hard to hang out with due to ED issues. Going out for lunch is scary for me. I make excuses and stress over it, so either I am flaky or preoccupied with the estimated caloric content of the mystery restaurant food.

There are also so few people that I can really open up with. I can talk candidly about my experiences with mental health issues- but the conversation is usually dotted with sarcasm and self deprecating humour. I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable (read: emotional) in front of people. This is a dangerous thing as it stops me from being with people (which improves my mood) when I need the support the most.

This entry is so choppy and incoherent. For the past few days I've been unable express myself in writing. Maybe I'm just afraid of being redundant. It's like my therapy sessions, the same issues always arising:

- I feel guilty about everything

- I suck at having a social life

- My ED is still around, messing with me

- My mood is unstable

Ok there's more than that but I keep repeating myself. I keep on thinking "I've talked about this before, why haven't I fixed it by now?" I have been taught so many skills in my years of therapy, so why am I still left clueless when faced with problems? Argh.

Anyways readers, I hope I haven't scared you off.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Can't sleep= cockroaches will eat my face

Hey,

So I found an insect in my room that may or may not have been a cockroach. I squashed it (I felt terrible! But what else could I do?). Now I cannot sleep because I read somewhere that cockroaches can feed at night on the remnants of food found on SLEEPING PEOPLES FACES!

So anyways, after compulsively cleaning for about an hour I am writing to you all. Well, not exactly. I wrote this a couple days ago. It was the first time since this blogs creation that I was too embarrassed to post the entry. This is an edited version.

I cant blog…for some reason tonight the ability to expose my innermost thoughts and feelings seems to have disappeared. I can’t really do thought records that totally encompass what I think and feel, so I am let to express myself in a manner that’s half a journal entry and half a letter to myself and Toar when I’m sitting in her office dumbfounded when she asks how I’ve been doing.

The elation I experienced after my doctors’ appointment dwindled today and now it’s back to this. I’m starting to wonder more if I’m just crazy- mood swings? How can I have mood swings? Fuck I don’t want a diagnosis of bipolar disorder too.

Ahh, diagnoses. Why on earth I thought it would be a good idea to look for a message board support group for people with avoidant personality disorder baffles me. I’ve been told by so many people not to identify with the diagnosis. Am I just supposed to ignore it?

Anyways, I looked online and read these peoples experiences. So many of them I related to. There was the feeling like I am on the outside of the human race and that there is something deep within me that makes me unwilling or unable to properly interact socially. Wanting to love and be loved so badly but being so scared to even try. Not even knowing exactly what it is I was scared of. The idea that I must learn how to do everything on my own because I cannot rely on anybody else to help me, as I am not worth the time or effort.

I started writing this because I caught thoughts of suicide going through my head which made the imaginary alarm bells ring. I thought about how I wanted to die young so I won’t get older and die pathetic and alone. I thought about how much I wished that this could happen without hurting anybody else. Even though the thought of people I love grieving forces me to remind myself that “suicide is not an option”, it also makes me feel really trapped.

I just want this to be over. I’m so tired of it. Someone who spent this long recovering and has had this many opportunities to get better I should have done it by now. When can I just give up? They let people with other illnesses do so….

This is so narcissistic and ridiculous. I seem so immature and melodramatic.

No more of this, this will be enough stupid, trivial problems to fill 50 minutes.

Back to today:

Please do not fear guys, Toar has read this and I am sure that I feel stable enough to not act on these thoughts. I am just scared (of more than roaches) and frustrated.

Good night.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex