Oh these fun fun games

Hey readers,


I'm sorry I've neglected this blog for so long. I've become so involved with other ideas/projects/activities that I've let this slide.


However, I want to get more involved with mental health awareness, and in January we're starting a new campaign at Carleton. I really want to share my experiences openly. So in short,I should blog more so I can figure our exactly what to say!


So you may be wondering why the title of this post is "of these fun fun games". Well,it's mainly due to a fight (?) I'm having with my Mum.


I love my Mum a lot - she's a wonderful, kind, caring person. However, as the divorce proceedings get ugly she lashes out in anger at me. A few days ago our conversation went like this:


Mum: Who will look after Caroline for the rest of her life? Who?

Me: I know that you will have most of the responsibility, and that's a lot to handle, but I promise I will be there for Caroline until the day I die.

Mum: Well I hope I outlive you both, to take care of both of you.

Me: What? I don't need to be "taken care of".

Mum: Well let's just see how long your eyesight lasts for.




Gee, thanks ma. I love how you doubt my abilities to be independent. I love how you dismiss my love and dedication to Caroline. I am so encouraged that you think my sight is going to go so soon. I especially love how you wish I would die first.


Ok, I know she made the comment out of anger, but I'm so tired of taking all of this. I try so hard to keep it together, to be supportive, and I'm the one who gets this. I know I'm whining and complaining too much....but it is stressful.


I just sent my Mum a voicemail telling her I love her and hopes she has a good night. I've done it for the past couple nights, as she refuses to take my calls.


I hope she at least listened to my message. 


Peace, Love and Veggies,


Alex

short reflection

Hiya readers,

I feel a bit guilty for my previous post. I felt I needed to describe the unfortunate events of Sucktober, and there were far too many. There was a lot of details involved, and it took a while to get it all down accurately.

However, I fear that I gave off the impression that I am not doing well or relapsing depression wise. Circumstantially, there were many periods of low mood last Month....but considering what happened, that's to be expected, no?

I was in a reflective mood today. I walked around the neighbourhood to collect myself after watching what I believe to be the most heartbreaking film ever ("Dear Zachary"- keep tissues near by).

I noticed the Christmas decorations on the houses and remembered how every when I was a kid my dad and I would walk our dog around the neighbourhood each night. I especially loved this over Christmas, and got so excited as November went by and more lights appeared. I kind of feel it sneaked up on me this year. That sounds like a depressing thought, but it isn't. I guess I've just been so engaged in other things that I didn't take the time to think about how quickly Chrimble was approaching. Anyways, thinking of this time of year made me remember how life was a year ago....

Around this time last year my depression was at its worst. I had just started seeing Toar, and had yet to build enough trust with her to really explore what was going on. Nobody really knew what was going on.....hell, neither did I.

I didn't have interest in anything. I would stay in bed all day. I didn't talk to people. I didn't care about social work. I didn't care about my placement. I binged, compulsively exercised, counted calories, stepped on and off the scale every few minutes, thought about death....planned out my own death...

You get the picture.

In about a week it will be a year since my first hospital admission of what I like to call "depression C". It's been a long and intense year. I learned a lot, and I think I've changed a lot.

I know that things aren't near perfect, but thinking about where I was a year ago and seeing where I am now gives me a lot of comfort. I can't describe how good it feels to get up in the morning and believe the day has potential to be a good one. I love feeling excited and passionate about things. I love being able to sleep at night (albeit chemically induced). So many wonderful things that I couldn't do in the depths of ED/depression land.

Anyways, no real point to this post. I just wanted to let everyone know (and remind myself) that I am doing well.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Goodbye Sucktober.

Readers!

I know, I know.

It's been a month since I've updated this blog, and what a month it has been. As seen on my last post, October started off with the untimely death of my old friend and shipmate Adam. I was fortunate enough to go to Bermuda for his funeral, and even though it upset my Mum greatly that I was missing Thanksgiving (IE: "You're abandoning me like your father did"), it was one of the best choices I've made for myself in a long time. I don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't gone. Seeing my "floatie" (IE: Class Afloat) friends was incredibly healing, and since we were going through the same thing and felt so many of the same emotions it made me feel far less alone. Adam's family and friends in Bermuda welcomed us with open arms and were so kind and concerned about us despite their own grief. It will take time, but I do believe that love heals you....and I'm glad I had that weekend to experience it.

However, that is only a piece of how the month has been. There was my eye surgery, and even though it was not too painful, it was still unpleasant. What made things worse was what happened the day after my surgery. I noticed that my bunny Nona had been acting pretty listless and had little interest in food (definite red flag- Nonaroo loved eating). This was going on for about a week, but the night after my surgery it quickly turned to the worst. She was lying down with a glazed look in her eyes, so I picked her up, which immediately alarmed me as Nona hates being picked up. I noticed she felt lighter, and I stroked her fur and noticed she was incredibly thin. During this Nona didn't struggle at all (alarm bells!), and I as held her in my arms and she went limp.

I took her to the emergency vet, who informed me that her kidneys were shutting down. The best case scenario would be an infection which we would have a 50/50 chance of treating with antibiotics. The worse case (and much more likely) scenario was kidney cancer where she would have pretty much no chance at all. I asked them to do an xray to get more information. It showed that her kidneys were severely swollen, and it was highly unlikely to be an infection. I cried, as I knew what it meant. She was in so much pain, and I had to let her go.

I won't go much deeper into my loss of Nona as I don't really want to burst into tears. I don't have a done of time to write this, so I'll get to the most recent issue that inspired the creation of this post.

On Halloween I went out for a walk. It was 9:45 pm and I needed to stretch my legs, so I bundled up, put on my headphones and ventured out.

I listened to my music and walked around for about 20 minutes, then decided to head home. I was walking along Friel when I felt like I was being followed. I turned off my music and turned off on Wilbrod to see if I was actually being followed.

Turns out, I was.

My vague feelings of being creeped out were soon replaced by feelings of "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit!". A man and woman wearing black came up from behind me and grabbed both of my arms. The started to force my cross body bag off of me, and in doing so pushed me down onto the street. They ripped my headphones from my head and pried my ipod out of my hand. Luckily, what they wanted from me was only material things, and once they got my things they ran away laughing.

I stood stunned for a minute, wondering if anyone had seen what had happened. As soon as the initial shock wore off I began to run to the nearby quickie which had a payphone so that I could call 911.

Thy cam quickly and I made my statement. I was breathing fast and shaking, and the officer kept on asking if I needed an ambulance or was cold (Uh, no- I have an autonomic nervous system). I heard another officer complain about the fact that there was such a big time gap between the time that the incident happened and when the police were called.

Arghh.

What was I supposed to do, make a call on my stolen cell phone? Knock on a random door? I wasn't feeling all that trusting of strangers at the time so that wasn't an option.

Then I get the "now I'm not saying it was your fault, but....." speech. You knew that was coming eh? How dare I- a young female with a visual impairment- go for a leisurely walk at 9:45pm! I guess I was pretty much asking for it.

Anyways, it happened. It sucked. However, what happened the next day is what really traumatized me.

At around 6:30 Monday night I went out with a friend to walk her dog. When I was out my roommate received a call from a guy who said he had found my purse in central park and wanted to return it to me. He said that he read my address on a piece of mail in my bag, and asked if it was correct. Taken aback, my roommate said it was. He then said that he was at work but would be over in about an hour to drop it off.

Anyways, I get home and hear the news, and am a little creeped out as the guy left no name or number. However, my roommate called the police non emergency line shortly after and they weren't concerned- they only asked that we call back to report what is missing.

After a few hours, we begin to get nervous, as this guy could potentially have both my keys and address. So we call the police again.

I should mention that when I filed my initial report I was urged to identify the race of my attackers. I got such a poor view of them, as I'm visually impaired and was staring at the ground for the majority of the incident. However, my best guess that popped into my head was East Indian.

The guy who called also happened to be east Indian.

What happened next is a long, complicated story. Basically, the police have both my roommate and I talk to this guy to organize a set up. It involved me and three police officers in an unmarked car meeting this guy in a convenience store parking lot at the other side of the city. When we arrive we see him standing there with my purse in hand. The police quickly get out of the car and jump him, slamming his body against the hood of the car (where I was in the backseat). I will never forget the look of shock and horror on his face.

They harass him, asking him things like "where's your little girlfriend?". They take him away and out of my view, so I can only guess how they treated him afterwards.

I went back to the station to write down my statement. I could hear them complaining that the guy requested a translator.

Then I heard one officer say "If this is him, we're going to look like rock stars!".

It made my blood boil, but I was too exhausted to do anything.

Anyways, the next day I find out (surprise surprise) that this guy was likely not the suspect. He was a student from India who had only been in Canada for two months. He was advised by his lawyer to not speak to the detective, but he did anyways. He wanted the detective to know that he only intended to do something good.

If I could, I would thank him and apologize over and over.

What did I learn from this? That victims get blamed, police want glory not justice, racial profiling is wrong.....yeah.

I did learn to take more precautions. I will likely avoid the darker, less busy streets at night. I won't carry valuables. I might take a self defense course...

but I will NOT let this make me live in fear. I will not let it make me hide at home when the sun goes down.

If I do that, they win.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Adam

I haven't written in a while.

I've been so overwhelmed.

I haven't had the energy.

I haven't had the insight.

I haven't had the motivation.

but I have to write about this.

I am a fairly introspective person. I take long reflective walks everyday. I read philosophy. I watch moving documentaries.

I'm in social work. I work with the chronically homeless and addicted. I'm volunteering at a children's hospice.

Yet some how, some way, life hands events that I can't even start to understand.

Some of you who read this blog may know what I'm talking about. Most of you don't.

At 4:10 this morning a 22 year old named Adam lost control of his motorcycle and collided with a wall.....he didn't survive.

Adam was a crew mate of mine during the 2005/06 class afloat voyage. I use the term "crew mate" because simply "friend" or "classmate" won't do.

We all boarded the SV Concordia with little sailing experience and even less of a clue as to what we were getting ourselves into. If adolescence is generally regarded as a time of confusion and turmoil, one can only imagine how it would look on a tall ship in the middle of the ocean. Yet somehow, we all made it.

Last night many of us floaties watched the W5 special "disaster at sea"

( http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20101001/w5-disaster-at-sea-101002/).

We all watched the students recount their harrowing stories and were amazed by their strength and resiliency. While these young people are undoubtedly amazing survivors, I am guessing that a lot of that strength came from the fact that they all survived the experience together. If anybody had been lost at sea, I could only imagine how the perspectives would be altered.

Short hours after that thought crossed my mind, we lost a member of our crew.

and our view, our hearts, our souls, are forever altered.

I am beginning a volunteer placement at Roger's House, which is the pediatric hospice in Ottawa. One thing I recall from volunteer training that really stuck out in my mind was this - when young people die it throws our whole world view upside down. What is right, fair, natural....it goes against all of it.

and there aren't any answers.

There is talking.

There is love.

There is friendship.

There is remembering how precious life really is.

There is recognition that even though it can be full of pain and sadness, it is the only one we are given.

There is fear, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, serenity...

I know, I'm sounding rambly and self help guru-ish.

I'm just putting out the thoughts as they come.

I guess I should mention a reason why this really hits home for me right now - My first struggles with major depression were triggered by a loss of a friend in a car accident. He was 14, I was 12.

I just hope...I hope that this doesn't happen to anybody because of this tragedy.

I know that's probably a stupid thing to say.

People react to grief in different ways, and most of them don't end up in and out of the bin.

Argh.

But if you do....that's ok.

As long as you keep living.

I'm going to end here because I'm making no sense.

For anybody reading this who knew Adam- I wish I could hug you right now. Since I can't, I'm sending you warm thoughts and memories of a red haired dreadlocked guy who's humour, kindness, and enthusiasm for life inspired us all.

The world won't be the same without you.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

gratitude

Hello chummies,

It's been a busy day today. Maybe not in most peoples eyes, but after a long year of dreariness it seems so fast paced. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy it. However, I struggle with finding time to sit and relax without feeling guilty, feeling like I "should" be doing something productive....then I remind myself that being "productive" is too capitalist a value for me and that makes me feel a bit better.

Despite a lot of stress and frustration, right now I'm filled with a profound sense of gratitude. It's only been my second day in my placement, and I only logged three hours cause I had to attend a seminar that morning. However, I am feeling so much admiration for the women I'm working with and feel so lucky to be studying what I'm studying, and eventually working in the field. I know I probably seem like I'm romanticizing an often grueling profession, but I can't help but be inspired. You see people at some of the worst circumstances life has to offer and you offer yourself to them. You can dress up with degrees and experience, but what you can give is it ultimately within yourself. Where else do you have that opportunity?

I feel lucky.

Please excuse the rambles, I hope I'm making a shred of sense. I also wanted to briefly mention that I'm avoiding discussion of anything that could breach client confidentiality. It's difficult, as I attempt to be as honest as I can. For me, every person I encounter alters how I perceive myself and the rest of the world. So how do I be completely honest about myself without showing that? I am trying.

Obviously no names, no specific places, and no specific "stories" involving clients. That's a hard one, as I love sharing experiences. I will however, share my feelings and thoughts that arise from these experiences. They will always connect to some aspect of my own life, which you all know I expose pretty openly.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

First Day- Woohoo! and why is someone using a chainsaw at 10pm?

Hello readers,

I am eating peanut butter sandwich crackers and brewing herbal tea as I listen to the jarring squeals of my neighbour using a chain saw in his backyard. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but can't he leave it until morning? Unless he's a sereal killer....if so he really sucks for doing it in the middle of a densely populated urban area.

So pallios I had my first day of my student placement! It's at the women's program at a local shelter (shepherds of good hope aka "sheps"). I'm excited- everyone seemed really awesome. There was a slight scream a thon, which certainly made things interesting. However it didn't turn physical or last long, so I'm not complaining.

Oh, and to make it easier I shall log my placement hours: 9am to 2pm - 5 hours

What else....I'm been feeling a little overwhelmed by everything I need to get done. It's definitely a manageable amount of stuff, but you know when you get all frazzled and it kind of paralyzes you and you can't get anything productive done? That would be me. I'll get over it though, no worries.

Besides the minor stress, I'm excited that all of this has started. It really hit me today - "this is a normal life, this is how things are supposed to be", and that made me so happy. It really hit me when I was eating a sammich I had just grabbed on the go at market organics- the disorder has lessened so much. I'm not constantly thinking about food, weight, calories, fat grams, sugar grams, numbers numbers numbers...You get the idea. Is it gone? Hell no. I brought my scale to Toar on the agreement that I would use it at the end of every appointment (as opposed to my hundred plus a day regime). I'm gaining a bit of weight and it's making me miserable if I think about it. I know it's not likely noticeable and I know my emotional well being is worth it....but fork it's not easy.

Anywhoseit, I'm beat and chain saw dude has stopped. I'm gonna knock myself out now!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

No longer sick, still shingley.

Hey readers,

I'm happy to announce that although the blistering rash on my back is still present (and a little itchy and sore) I know longer feel so blarged. I apologize for the lack of communication, but you know how it is when you're sick. I did a lot of "sleeping" (IE: me lying in bed with my eyes shut begging my brain to turn off). Thankfully I didn't miss any class, but I had to miss my first days of placement (which is a bummer and a half). Oh well, forward and onward!

I thought I'd resume my Sunday reflections (at least for this week!) so here we go:

What did I learn last week? I've learned that shingles is caused by the chicken pox virus that exists dormant in your spinal cord and randomly decides to break loose and make you miserable.

What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? I finally got withdrawals from my fall 2009 courses. Such an ordeal for something so seemingly simple. However, now it's done and the "F" and "D-" are off my transcripts.

Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? I hate to sound redundant, but being diagnosed with shingles.

What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? I need to send some important emails to profs, get a referral for my follow up MRI and start working on my assignments. I think all three of those are equally as important

What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? Hmm..I'll give myself reminders on my iphone

What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? Procrastination (as always), not getting enough of a social life, dwelling on past struggles instead of moving forward.

What was last week’s biggest time sink? Time spent in bed feeling lonely and shitty. Not entirely my fault (as I was sick), but I can't make it a habit

Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? I really need to reorganize things like my art supplies and go through a bunch of papers....blech! I also need to remind myself what I'm working towards and not dwell on past difficulties.

What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? Assignments and readings (I know, bad Alex!), cleaning, getting together with people

What opportunities are still on the table? The opportunities to meet new, amazing people are still numerous, and I need to take advantage of that. I also have a self reflection paper coming up for my direct practice course, and it has the potential to communicate where I've come from and where I want to go as a social worker.

Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? Oh yes! Too many people to list.

Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? The director of undergraduate studies for helping me with the whole withdrawal process, my roommate for putting up with my laziness this week, Phoebe for being at my side constantly making me feel very loved.

How can I help someone else this coming week? I start my new placement, so there's a chance I can help around there....though I'll likely be filling out forms and getting acquainted with the shelter. There's a couple little things I'd like to do to put smiles on a couple people's faces- hopefully I remember!

What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? I felt pretty embarrassed with how I answered this question last time. As always, getting my bachelor of social work degree is a big priority. "Finding love" now sounds cheesey enough for me to want to puke, so I think I'm going to change it to "create meaningful, lasting relationships". The other one is just to stay in a good place and not relapse.

Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? Well, I've gotten those withdrawals done and I've went and chilled with Toar, so I guess?

What’s the next step for each goal? BSW: Do my motherforking readings and assignments, f'reals. Relationships: Talk. To. People? Staying Sane: We'll see about that :p

What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? CLASS! PLACEMENT! (I know I'm nerdy). Oh, and taking back the night on thursday!

What are my fears? I'm scared of rejection, and I'm scared that I'll isolate. I am a little nervous that my pre op appointment will result in a delayed surgery due to shingles. My MRI results (I know it's likely nothing and I'm probably being a hypochondriac...but still).

What am I most grateful for? Being back in school. Knowing I can cope without my disorder(s). All the lovely people in my life.

If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? Anyone and everyone- I am surrounded by so many amazing people I can't possibly list them all.

Ok, I *may* have the zine information complete by the end of the day- but you know me so don't get your hopes up too much :p

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

SHINGLES

Readers,

This is my back. It hurts much more than it looks. I am tired and grumpy.

Love you though! Will report back soon!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

seroquel, school, solitude

Hey chums,

I know I haven't written in awhile, and I apologize for the lack of reflection on Sunday. However, I don't think I could have written anything more profound than "still awake".

I felt so guilty for losing my prescription for seroquel and imovane. I decided to "challenge" (aka punish) myself and go off of them, cold tofurkey. Obviously, this wasn't such a wise choice.

Part of me just wanted so badly to be rid of these drugs. They've impaired my cognitive capacity (though less so now than before) and make me zombie ish. This weekend really showed me how dependent I am on these medications. I ripped my apartment apart Friday and Saturday night looking for that damn piece of paper. I felt like I would've given anything or done anything for those little pink and blue pills. That dependance frightens me.

Unfortunately, going off any medications and fiddling around with my neurochemistry isn't really an option now. I started class, had an interview for volunteering, met with school administrators, met with the disabilities coordinator (to avoid getting screwed over again), went to a couple PTS groups....basically I was busy, which is groovy but takes a lot of energy. I need sleep to keep up with that.

Anyways, I'm trying to take this evening to relax a bit. Lately I've been having trouble enjoying my own company. I'm an introvert who is prone to isolation, and right now being alone feels like I'm isolating. Isolating was a big piece of my depression. However, I shall try to differentiate the two.

I mentioned earlier that I wished to shift the focus of this blog from my own struggles to my journey to become a social worker (wow, I make it sound like I'm going on a vision quest or something). Anyways, my first paper is on who you are as a social worker and what past experiences will you bring to your practice. I want to be honest and candid, but I don't want to make my prof believe I'm incapable or unstable. I truly believe that getting through all of this has a purpose, and I hope I can express that. Wish me luck!

Anyways, I'm off to watch huge and the L word. Such an exciting Saturday night!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

awake awake awake

Grrr.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Sunday reflection put off until Monday

Hello!

My attempt at doing a reflection every Sunday shall be bumped until tomorrow this week for the following reasons:

A) It is a long weekend

B) I am coming off seroquel and am a zombie

C) I have gotten little sleep and am a zombie

Ok? ok

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

So very sleepy...

Hello lovely readers,

I put off blogging for a while, but I'm here now! Ta-Da!

I've actually wanted to write abut a lot of..."stuff" that's come up this week but was either too lazy or needed to process. Needless to say, stuff happened.

I guess I'll start with the biggest issue- I'm getting yet another eye surgery. It's kind of the same procedure as before, but instead of using a gas bubble to support my healing retina they're going to use a silicone oil implant. The silicone bubble has a few advantages, and the most significant one is that it can support my retina for a long time. The recovery from this surgery is much easier- no posturing! Yay! Oh, and I can also make many a joke how I got silicone implanted....forcing people to look at my chest and think to themselves "wow, they did a crappy job".

Unfortunately, there are some disadvantages. It has a very high likelyhood of clogging up my optic shunts and making my transplanted cornea get rejected. Both of these can be fixed with more surgeries.....that are painful and take a while to heal. I'm not sure when I'll decide to stop trying to save the eye. I'm going into this surgery because it's not too painful and the recovery will be quick. We'll see where it takes me I guess.

How do I feel about the whole thing? Definitely frustrated. I'm trying so hard to get some normalcy in my life. I don't want to complain or play the victim. I will get through it. However, it would be nice to not have it right now when classes are starting.

On the topic of playing the victim, I should add another frustration I have. My mum (who I love and admire) is not exactly making this easy. I hate how it sometimes seems like I'm bashing her on this blog, but our relationship has gone through a lot of stress of late, and I need an outlet. Anyways, my Mum is feeling that the world is against her and that the stress in her life is unbearable. I get that, and in many ways she is justified. However, she takes my eye condition as more evidence of this. Truth be told I was more scared to tell her than I am to get the surgery. I told her that she didn't need to come (my doctor said so!), and I think that hurt her. However, it would be more emotionally straining to have her come. It makes me feel like a burden, as she has to work so hard to have a caregiver for Caroline, take care of Rover, reschedule lawyer meetings....and so on. Also, the heated courtroom battle between Mumsie and Padre is going to get very ugly very fast. I want to stay as far away from that as I can.

So I'm having my surgery done alone. I shouldn't complain about this as it is my own choosing (my Mum would have come in a heartbeat). However, due to the previously stated issues, I feel it would be better that way. My dad has a lot of business and what not, and likely cannot make it. He's also pretty uncomfortable with hospitals and medical junk, and kind of considers it my Mum's job to handle it. I may be able to get some friends to help me out, but it's not like they can be there in the middle of the night and my eye hurts so much that I want to rip it out of the socket.

I felt kind of ridiculous in the last post saying that one of my goals was finding love. However, this is a situation where having a special someone would be so lovely.

Ok- enough with the complaining. I've got amazing friends and as dysfunctional as they are my family still loves me. I'm going back to school. I'm meeting people in the GLBT community. I'm trying my best to let go of my eating disorder.

I am moving forward.

Ok, do you guys want some good news? Yes, you do.

I went to a volunteer orientation on Wednesday at Roger's house, which is the pediatric palliative care center. I know you may think I'm setting myself up for nervous break down, but I want to volunteer there and am excited/honoured to get the opportunity.

Working with dying children and their families sounds like the most depressing work possible. However, when we went to the orientation I was so inspired. The place is full of so much hope. It challenges your preconceived notions about death and dying. It is about living every moment fully. I think I will gain so much from the experience, and hopefully the children and families will as well.

I've also been thinking of a little project, and I think it's finally time to get it underway. I want to create a zine for people with eating disorders by people with eating disorders, focusing on empowerment and a dash of feminism. I will write more about it later, but I'll let you know now that I'll need your help. Yes you, reader. I'm asking for stories, articles, opinion pieces, poetry, artwork, collage....whatever makes your bum hum! I'll give a better outline for it soon, but please consider it. I want to make this zine available at places like hopewell (www.hopewell.ca/), Toar's office, on this blog, and pretty much anywhere there's a demand for it. Let your voices be heard.

Ok. I'm going to go attempt sleeping again.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

Yes, I've changed the blog template....

Hey loves,

I know you probably miss the overly bright hard to read colours, but change can be good.

Plus, my blog my rules.

Peace, Love and Veggies!

Alex

sunday reflection....hopefully I can keep this up!

20 Questions to ask yourself every Sunday:

What did I learn last week?
The week reminded me how important getting out and seeing people is to my overall well being. I am an introvert, but my tendency to isolate is really unhealthy. Gotta work harder I guess.

What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
I got through my studies in addiction exam and I feel relatively confident about it. I was also able to get out and not be such a hermit!

Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
Well it was pride, which in itself is memorable.....the dyke auction? The march? Oh I also got to meet an awesome dog (shout out to Morty!).

What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
It's a bit of a tie, but ultimately I have to get my practicum completely sorted out (IE: submitting my initial contract, setting up a schedule etc.). I also have to submit documentation to get a retroactive withdrawal from my class. I need that D- erased ASAP!

What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
A little bit of cleaning/organizing would do me good. Also if I could get my new printer working that would be fabulous.

What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Hahahaha....I could write a novel on this question! As always, avoidance of all hermity behaviours would help. Also the whole motivation/organization thing. There's always the charming depression and eating disorder that come around to play from time to time...but I'm working on fighting them off.

What was last week’s biggest time sink?
The interwebs in general. Facebook/compulsively checking email/the ppk all get me into trouble. It's funny, cause I am on these sights to fulfill the need for social interaction, yet it keeps me from real, face to face interaction which is always more satisfying.

Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
There is a tonne of paper and junk strewn about my bedroom floor, so that situation should be dealt with pronto. I have a lot of baggage in general, but I'm trying to work on the social anxiety and disordered thoughts/behaviours. So instead of having oversized packages of them, I'll just have a small under 100 ml container of them.

What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
Taking Phoebe and Nona to the groomers to get their nails clipped. I can't do it by myself and they both really need it, but it is a pain to book the pet taxi and take them. Gotta suck it up though, they're my furkids! I need to get a lot of school stuff straitened out, and the clock is ticking. My practicum needs to be organized, I need to submit my Doctors letters to the registrars office, and I need to contact the PMC (disabilities accommodation services thingy) so I don't get screwed over (as much) again. I really need to clean out the fridge - that teriyaki tofu is probably developing it's own little ecosystem by now. Oh and bills! They must be paid!

What opportunities are still on the table?
I have been meeting a whole bunch of new people and would really love to get to know them better and start friendships. I am pretty much off for the next week and a half, which can be good and bad. If I just stay at home and wallow obviously it won't be productive. However, it can give me an opportunity to put things in place so this academic year can be awesome with awesome sauce.

Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
I haven't had a Claire chat in a while.....oh and Sarah, when you are back in Ottawa we must get together! Oh, and a certain lovely individual whose surname is the title of a certain religious leader....I need to send her some lovin.

Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Well, I must send out a letter to my fake Grandma who crocheted me the lovely colourful blanket. Oh and readers! I must thank all of you!

How can I help someone else this coming week?

I know that there are a lot of lovely people moving in and out and about, so if any of them need help I volunteer! Speaking of volunteering, I'm starting my volunteer training at Roger's house - should be awesome!

What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
Get my BSW, be emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually/socially healthy, and (as embarrassing as this is to write) to find love.

Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?

I've been working so hard to become "healthy" (whatever the fork that means) and I know that doing these seemingly minor administrative tasks will be a small step in getting my degree- there's some motivation!

What’s the next step for each goal?

BSW: Get everything organized so I can have an awesome academic year!

Health/wellness: Specifically, I'm still working on math freedom (hehe). Counteracting negative self talk is also really important.

and I'm too sheepish to talk about goal number 3

What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?

Volunteer training is really exciting- I can't wait to start and I'm really happy that I'll be doing it with a friend. I know that may not seem like a lot, but I'm looking forward to the many wonders this week has to offer (wow, I should become a motivational speaker and write self help books....or not).

What are my fears?

I'm terrified of doing something wrong and offending/irritating/alienating people in my life. Yeah, this is where the social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder stuff comes into play. I'll try my best not be avoidant and get myself out there though!

I also have an eye appointment on Wednesday....and I hope it goes ok.

Oh and confronting school administrators-EEP!

What am I most grateful for?

Lovely friends, disfunctionally awesome fam jam, Phoebe and Nona, air conditioning, being physically/emotionally ready to return to full time studies, watermelon, sight.....I've got a lot to be thankful for.

If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?

My familia definitely, but also those special friendlies I have scattered across this lovely planet. You guys know who you are love you!

Have a great week everybody!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex