I put off blogging for a while, but I'm here now! Ta-Da!
I've actually wanted to write abut a lot of..."stuff" that's come up this week but was either too lazy or needed to process. Needless to say, stuff happened.
I guess I'll start with the biggest issue- I'm getting yet another eye surgery. It's kind of the same procedure as before, but instead of using a gas bubble to support my healing retina they're going to use a silicone oil implant. The silicone bubble has a few advantages, and the most significant one is that it can support my retina for a long time. The recovery from this surgery is much easier- no posturing! Yay! Oh, and I can also make many a joke how I got silicone implanted....forcing people to look at my chest and think to themselves "wow, they did a crappy job".
Unfortunately, there are some disadvantages. It has a very high likelyhood of clogging up my optic shunts and making my transplanted cornea get rejected. Both of these can be fixed with more surgeries.....that are painful and take a while to heal. I'm not sure when I'll decide to stop trying to save the eye. I'm going into this surgery because it's not too painful and the recovery will be quick. We'll see where it takes me I guess.
How do I feel about the whole thing? Definitely frustrated. I'm trying so hard to get some normalcy in my life. I don't want to complain or play the victim. I will get through it. However, it would be nice to not have it right now when classes are starting.
On the topic of playing the victim, I should add another frustration I have. My mum (who I love and admire) is not exactly making this easy. I hate how it sometimes seems like I'm bashing her on this blog, but our relationship has gone through a lot of stress of late, and I need an outlet. Anyways, my Mum is feeling that the world is against her and that the stress in her life is unbearable. I get that, and in many ways she is justified. However, she takes my eye condition as more evidence of this. Truth be told I was more scared to tell her than I am to get the surgery. I told her that she didn't need to come (my doctor said so!), and I think that hurt her. However, it would be more emotionally straining to have her come. It makes me feel like a burden, as she has to work so hard to have a caregiver for Caroline, take care of Rover, reschedule lawyer meetings....and so on. Also, the heated courtroom battle between Mumsie and Padre is going to get very ugly very fast. I want to stay as far away from that as I can.
So I'm having my surgery done alone. I shouldn't complain about this as it is my own choosing (my Mum would have come in a heartbeat). However, due to the previously stated issues, I feel it would be better that way. My dad has a lot of business and what not, and likely cannot make it. He's also pretty uncomfortable with hospitals and medical junk, and kind of considers it my Mum's job to handle it. I may be able to get some friends to help me out, but it's not like they can be there in the middle of the night and my eye hurts so much that I want to rip it out of the socket.
I felt kind of ridiculous in the last post saying that one of my goals was finding love. However, this is a situation where having a special someone would be so lovely.
Ok- enough with the complaining. I've got amazing friends and as dysfunctional as they are my family still loves me. I'm going back to school. I'm meeting people in the GLBT community. I'm trying my best to let go of my eating disorder.
I am moving forward.
Ok, do you guys want some good news? Yes, you do.
I went to a volunteer orientation on Wednesday at Roger's house, which is the pediatric palliative care center. I know you may think I'm setting myself up for nervous break down, but I want to volunteer there and am excited/honoured to get the opportunity.
Working with dying children and their families sounds like the most depressing work possible. However, when we went to the orientation I was so inspired. The place is full of so much hope. It challenges your preconceived notions about death and dying. It is about living every moment fully. I think I will gain so much from the experience, and hopefully the children and families will as well.
I've also been thinking of a little project, and I think it's finally time to get it underway. I want to create a zine for people with eating disorders by people with eating disorders, focusing on empowerment and a dash of feminism. I will write more about it later, but I'll let you know now that I'll need your help. Yes you, reader. I'm asking for stories, articles, opinion pieces, poetry, artwork, collage....whatever makes your bum hum! I'll give a better outline for it soon, but please consider it. I want to make this zine available at places like hopewell (www.hopewell.ca/), Toar's office, on this blog, and pretty much anywhere there's a demand for it. Let your voices be heard.
Ok. I'm going to go attempt sleeping again.
Peace, love and veggies,
Alex
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