I know I haven't written in awhile, and I apologize for the lack of reflection on Sunday. However, I don't think I could have written anything more profound than "still awake".
I felt so guilty for losing my prescription for seroquel and imovane. I decided to "challenge" (aka punish) myself and go off of them, cold tofurkey. Obviously, this wasn't such a wise choice.
Part of me just wanted so badly to be rid of these drugs. They've impaired my cognitive capacity (though less so now than before) and make me zombie ish. This weekend really showed me how dependent I am on these medications. I ripped my apartment apart Friday and Saturday night looking for that damn piece of paper. I felt like I would've given anything or done anything for those little pink and blue pills. That dependance frightens me.
Unfortunately, going off any medications and fiddling around with my neurochemistry isn't really an option now. I started class, had an interview for volunteering, met with school administrators, met with the disabilities coordinator (to avoid getting screwed over again), went to a couple PTS groups....basically I was busy, which is groovy but takes a lot of energy. I need sleep to keep up with that.
Anyways, I'm trying to take this evening to relax a bit. Lately I've been having trouble enjoying my own company. I'm an introvert who is prone to isolation, and right now being alone feels like I'm isolating. Isolating was a big piece of my depression. However, I shall try to differentiate the two.
I mentioned earlier that I wished to shift the focus of this blog from my own struggles to my journey to become a social worker (wow, I make it sound like I'm going on a vision quest or something). Anyways, my first paper is on who you are as a social worker and what past experiences will you bring to your practice. I want to be honest and candid, but I don't want to make my prof believe I'm incapable or unstable. I truly believe that getting through all of this has a purpose, and I hope I can express that. Wish me luck!
Anyways, I'm off to watch huge and the L word. Such an exciting Saturday night!
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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