I feel a bit guilty for my previous post. I felt I needed to describe the unfortunate events of Sucktober, and there were far too many. There was a lot of details involved, and it took a while to get it all down accurately.
However, I fear that I gave off the impression that I am not doing well or relapsing depression wise. Circumstantially, there were many periods of low mood last Month....but considering what happened, that's to be expected, no?
I was in a reflective mood today. I walked around the neighbourhood to collect myself after watching what I believe to be the most heartbreaking film ever ("Dear Zachary"- keep tissues near by).
I noticed the Christmas decorations on the houses and remembered how every when I was a kid my dad and I would walk our dog around the neighbourhood each night. I especially loved this over Christmas, and got so excited as November went by and more lights appeared. I kind of feel it sneaked up on me this year. That sounds like a depressing thought, but it isn't. I guess I've just been so engaged in other things that I didn't take the time to think about how quickly Chrimble was approaching. Anyways, thinking of this time of year made me remember how life was a year ago....
Around this time last year my depression was at its worst. I had just started seeing Toar, and had yet to build enough trust with her to really explore what was going on. Nobody really knew what was going on.....hell, neither did I.
I didn't have interest in anything. I would stay in bed all day. I didn't talk to people. I didn't care about social work. I didn't care about my placement. I binged, compulsively exercised, counted calories, stepped on and off the scale every few minutes, thought about death....planned out my own death...
You get the picture.
In about a week it will be a year since my first hospital admission of what I like to call "depression C". It's been a long and intense year. I learned a lot, and I think I've changed a lot.
I know that things aren't near perfect, but thinking about where I was a year ago and seeing where I am now gives me a lot of comfort. I can't describe how good it feels to get up in the morning and believe the day has potential to be a good one. I love feeling excited and passionate about things. I love being able to sleep at night (albeit chemically induced). So many wonderful things that I couldn't do in the depths of ED/depression land.
Anyways, no real point to this post. I just wanted to let everyone know (and remind myself) that I am doing well.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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