I slipped but I did not fall

Hey lovely people,

Sadly, my 3 day math-free success came to an end today. I binged, freaked out, calculated the calories, freaked out more.....you get the picture.

I am extremely disappointed with myself. In situations like this I feel like I've failed at both my eating disorder and recovery. However, I will start again tomorrow as a new day, and hopefully it will be the beginning of many more math free days.

I guess the big thing I need to change is being disappointed with myself, as that just keeps me feeling guilty. Guilt just continues the depression and self destruction.

So yeah, forgiveness, acceptance, self love....all those concepts that make me gag and roll my eyes....apparently I need to focus on them.

Bah.

Oh yes, speaking of eyes I get to spend another tuesday morning with the Dr. Leonards. Such a delight. I need to remember the following questions, so hopefully blogging about them will help me remember:

1) Am I able to fly (on a airplane that is, I don't want another trip the the psych ward thankyouverymuch)?

2) What can/will happen

if we just leave the eye alone indefinitely?

3) Can you fill out these forms for the Paul Menton center? *To prevent further kerfuffles

Ok, hopefully I'll remember.

What else is new and exciting.....

Well despite the food weirdness today was pretty good. I went and picked up some stripey t shirts (my wardrobe essential), went to the pop art exhibit at the national gallery (definitely recommended, unless you are squeamish about things like dead horses and vaginas) and watched the HBO premiere of 12th and Delaware (documentary). Oh, and I recently subscribed to a whole bunch of documentaryish channels! Think of all the learning!

Oh, a bit of exciting news. I went for a consult with a tattoo artist, and I am getting

a piece done on Thursday afternoon. I am very excited. This will be my first tattoo and it has a lot of meaning behind it. It's going to be a broken shackle on my ankle. Here is a pic that is sort of what I'm thinking about.

The difference with mine is 1) it won't be done on a hairy dude leg and 2) It will use grey and white to give it a more realistic, metallic look.

If you're a regular reader of this blog you probably have an idea of what this tattoo represents. There are so many things in my life that made me feel trapped and powerless. Depression, ED, social anxiety, perfectionism, anxiety, guilt, vision loss.....need I continue?

The point is to show that I have broken free have the opportunity to move forward. Though I will carry these things with me, they cannot stop me. I can be free.

That's really all for now guys, I should get to bed.

Peace, Love and Veggies!

Alex