Feel, ask why, get angry

Good evening pallios,

It has been an interesting few days. I feel like so much has changed - but of course it's not obvious to many people but me (and you all now I guess!).

I have never let go of my eating disorder this much since I developed it. While it's amazing and liberating, it's also confusing. What do I do now to occupy my time? For so long disorders have been my hobbies....

Anyways, I am trying to figure that one out. What I wanted to share was my new technique in fighting against eating disordered thoughts and feelings.

I am in social work, and my program is based upon a "structural" approach. This is basically an emphasis on how social structures marginalize people and cause them harm. I probably said that wrong , but it's my understanding.

This is a great way to understand social issues, but many of my peers feel frustrated and annoyed by it. It is so hard to put into practice. When you're doing front line work you have so much to do and so little time- not enough to address deeply seeded oppression. Also, you are restricted depending on the agencies mandate. You want to be an advocate, but you soon realize that alone you are pretty powerless.

I think some of my friends have burnt out before even entering the field.

So I am practicing the structural approach on myself, starting with the F word.

No, not that one......FEMINISM

How?

I have an immediate thought or feeling. "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I hate myself", I'm stupid", "I need to lose weight", "recovery isn't worth it", "I need to weigh myself NOW", "How many calories have I consumed today"....

Then I ask myself, why?

Eating disorders are not "caused" by the media, but rather a complex blend of social, genetic and psychological factors. Most people understand eating disorders as a result of our thin obsessed culture, while in treatment it is very much about the individual. I'm now reflecting on my few months at "ano camp" *. While we did do media awareness, it was primarily focused on our internal struggles. I sometimes got a sense that that identifying societal pressure as a factor in developing an eating disorder was a "cop out" of some sort.

*"Ano camp" refers to the day treatment program I attended spring/summer of 2007. It's not an accurate title as it treated a variety of eating disorders, but it did feel a bit like a day camp for the nutritionally challenged.

I now wish they had taken a feminist, empowerment based approach. Not to bash the program, the staff tried their best to do this within very rigid guidelines. However, the program was largely based upon the medical model, making us (ok, me) powerless to a "disease" that must be "cured". We were constantly told what thoughts are behaviours were "healthy" and which were "disordered". In some ways this perspective condemned certain beliefs/behaviours around food. For example, veganism was seen as unhealthy and too obsessive. I kept arguing that beliefs and values DO influence what/how we eat. I challenged them with "what about Ramadan for Muslims? Why does our society see eating insects as disgusting while other cultures consume them readily? My mum/dad/second cousin drinks diet coke, are they disordered?".

Anyways what I'm getting at (besides the fact that I was a very frustrating client) is that instead of instructing us on what is healthy and what isn't, treatment providers must encourage us to make our own decisions based on what we want for ourselves.

I appreciate the fact that medical model based treatment restored my physical health, but it did not restore my emotional health. What helped me was questioning why I gravitated towards eating disordered behaviour instead of some other mode of coping.

I had poor self esteem, a great amount of guilt, perfectionistic tendancies, and a habit of isolation. These loaded the metaphorical gun of the disorder. However, it was social structures that pulled the trigger.

We all want to feel accepted, worthy, safe....and our societies preoccupation with thinness presents us a road to get to that place. It is a trap, of course, as the further we get into the disorder the more isolated, worthless and scared we become.

It doesn't matter how strong or intelligent we are, so many can fall into this trap. Though it's important to teach media literacy, it is not enough to truly prevent a disorder.

We need to feel powerful, we need to get angry. We need to fight back.

This is my current mode of thinking.

Every day thoughts of self hatred rush through my head, screaming at me to restrict food, burn it off with exercise etc. I shout (in my head) against them.

Where does this thought come from? Why do I need to deny myself a simple pleasure such as eating? Why does how I look have such a huge effect on how I perceive myself?

STOP LYING! Stop telling me that weight loss will make me happy. Stop telling me that it will make me more accepted. It makes me a grumpy hermit.

I will fight back. I'm not going to let this trap lure me in. I want to show other women (and yes, some men) that they don't have to follow either.

Ok, who's up for some cupcakes and bra burning?

Thanks for letting me rant incoherently!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex