I am now back from Calgary and am "studying" for my exam tomorrow. Since I seem to be unwilling or incapable (depending on your perspective) to focus on the task at hand, I've decided to update this darn thing!
So yes, Calgary.
The trip was planned for two reasons, one being my friends wedding and the other being to get an MRI. Of course there's always seeing the friends/family, but that goes without saying.
In the end, my pally tied the knot but my brain left without any sort of diagnostic imaging.
I am a bit annoyed at the second part, as I had asked Mumsie to get it set up (or to give me the insurance info so that I could get it set up) for months. She insisted that I get in done in Calgary as a certain friend of a friend is a radiologist. However, she only called this person a week in advance, and when I finally got to Calgary she said "Well, you can get it done in Gatineau, can't you?"
AARRRRRRGGGGGGYLE socks.
Anywhose, there were some issues that arose during this trip, but I shall first focus on the positives.
- I got to see some absolutely lovely people. You know who you are!
- Presents! I know, so materialistic, but I feel so spoiled so I must blog about it! One of my fake grandmas (I am deficient in biological grandmothering so I make do with other peoples elderly relatives) crocheted me a huge colourful blanket, and I so love blankets! Especially colourful ones. Mumsie brought me back three t shirts from Victoria (I am too lazy to describe them, but they are worth a few chortles). Oh, she also got a purple teapot! Oh, and a friend got me a dishtowel that reads "I am not a paper towel". I am very lucky.
- Lovely (albeit short) coffee date with padre (linked to the next positive point)
- Ok, so this is really cool. About a month ago my dad asked me which charities were the best to donate to. He explained that each managing director of his company was choosing a charity to support and he needed help to choose one. Although I dislike the term "charity", I saw this as an opportunity to get support for an organization I believed in. I chose safeworks, which is a harm reduction program for people struggling with addiction in Calgary. They operate at walk in clinics, drop in centers, and have a mobile van. He agreed to support them, met with the directors, wrote a cheque and will be organizing a fundraiser! Woohoo!
- (Also related to safeworks) My dad told the directors of the program that I had suggested that he support it. Anyways, they invited me to do a ride along! It was so cool to see how they operated, and I really admired how the staff worked with their clients. I'm so happy they're getting the help, and I'm so proud that my dad was willing to do so even if it's a controversial program.
Sadly, the negatives kind of over shine these positives.
I love my Mum. She is kind, generous, funny, friendly....you get it. She's awesome.
However, we got into a lot of conflict this weekend.
Ok, before I write anymore I need to backtrack. Remember when I wrote about something that was bothering me but I was too embarrassed to write about it? Well here we go:
I'm not so into dudes. I'm into the ladies.
Female sexuality is fluid, and I hate putting a label on myself. None the less, I haven't ever been into dudes, and as much as I hate to admit it I do feel attracted to members of the same gender. So I guess that makes me gay...woohoo! Let's go dance and wave rainbow flags!
Yeah, not so much.
It's been something I've thought about but strongly denied for years. I'm so tired of being different. I just wished that sexual orientation would be one of the things that I don't have to worry about.
I know, I know....
I shouldn't feel this way
it doesn't matter
I'm still the same person
You can't control who you love
It's ok
You guys know the reality. Despite the progress that has been made, our society is homophobic. Though I have always identified as a gay ally, admitting that I am gay myself isn't so easy. Just like how I strongly advocate for the rights of the mentally ill, accepting myself as mentally ill proved extremely challenging.
Anyways, part of this acceptance is coming out, which I've done to a few friends and a couple weeks ago, my dad. I know, kind of shocking that I told him, but it seemed to be the right time. I was in Toronto for the Paul McCartney concert, and we got together for coffee.
It was an honest conversation. After confronting him, he admitted that his "ex" girlfriend was back and that he had kept it secret. As angry as that made me, his explanation shocked me. He said he had done it so my Mum wouldn't find out. That didn't surprise me, as everything my dad did made my Mum angry, and anything to do with his girlfriend/mistress (my mum prefers the latter term) makes her blood boil. I probed further, asking why he would do something so dishonest. He knew my Mum would find out eventually, and this information is integral to the divorce proceedings, so why couldn't he be an adult and fess up? I told him I knew Mum's anger could be intimidating, but surely it couldn't be so bad that he would have to resort to huge lies of omission?
He told me that a certain, very ugly interaction had made him want to avoid any potential conflict with my Mum ever again. It happened on January 6th, the night I attempted suicide.
He went over to my Mum's house - I think to pick up Caroline for sushi or something like that. My mum had just gotten the news. When my dad entered she told him what had happened. She told him it was his fault, the divorce had fucked me up, and he better not talk to me as I have problems with him. She then lamented that she couldn't come to be with me as she had nobody to watch Caroline.
He left, called air Canada and got on the next plane to Ottawa.
As soon as my Mum found out he had come she called him and yelled at him, calling him a selfish bastard, telling him he would just make things worse....
Yeah.
I still think that hiding from my Mum was an immature way to handle the situation, but telling somebody that they were such a horrible human being that they caused their child to attempt suicide is just......beyond cruel.
Anyways, he was being so honest and open that I wanted to do the same. I told him, and he replied "It's ok Alex, I just want you to be happy".
I really couldn't ask for a better reaction from him.
Anyways, I thought this weekend would be a good opportunity to tell my Mum. It would be in person and I wasn't getting my eyeballs chopped up, so we could have time to talk. I ended up telling her on Thursday night, and she seemed to take it fairly well.
Or at least, I thought she did.
On Friday morning I got up and went to knock on her door and see if she was awake. When I knocked she replied with a curt "WHAT?". Assuming I had interrupted her sleep, I said I was sorry and sheepishly walked back to my room. Later in the morning I tried again.
"WHAT?"
It was almost noon, so I knew she wasn't sleeping (and if she was, something was wrong). I poked my head in, and she was fully dressed and watching TV. I asked her if she was angry at me.
She replied "I'm not angry, I'm hurt".
I was confused. "Hurt?" I asked. "Why?".
She was upset that I had kept this from her for so long (even though I told her I had only recently admitted it to myself). She was mad that I had told my dad first (even though I explained that I had not planned to tell him first, it was just the right place and time). She was hurt that I considered her untrustworthy (I don't). She went on about how unimportant everyone thinks she is and how she is the last to know everything (she isn't).
Basically, I was a liar. I deliberately kept things from her. I don't care about her. I am a bad daughter.
Anyways, I'm getting tired and the rest isn't too eventful. There were tears and shouting. I spent most of the day away from her, and the rest I spent tiptoeing around her emotionally, trying my hardest not to cause any conflict. It got better on Saturday, but we never really had a discussion to sort things out. No apologies and few explanations.
Anyways, it's in the past. I've learned that sometimes the best way to deal with this is to avoid the situation...preferably keeping at least 2 provinces between us.
Anyways guys, all my best. Have a beautiful week. I know I haven't posted much, but i makes me feel a lot better doing it, and I so appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Peace, love and Veggies,
Alex
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