sunday reflection....hopefully I can keep this up!

20 Questions to ask yourself every Sunday:

What did I learn last week?
The week reminded me how important getting out and seeing people is to my overall well being. I am an introvert, but my tendency to isolate is really unhealthy. Gotta work harder I guess.

What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
I got through my studies in addiction exam and I feel relatively confident about it. I was also able to get out and not be such a hermit!

Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
Well it was pride, which in itself is memorable.....the dyke auction? The march? Oh I also got to meet an awesome dog (shout out to Morty!).

What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
It's a bit of a tie, but ultimately I have to get my practicum completely sorted out (IE: submitting my initial contract, setting up a schedule etc.). I also have to submit documentation to get a retroactive withdrawal from my class. I need that D- erased ASAP!

What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
A little bit of cleaning/organizing would do me good. Also if I could get my new printer working that would be fabulous.

What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Hahahaha....I could write a novel on this question! As always, avoidance of all hermity behaviours would help. Also the whole motivation/organization thing. There's always the charming depression and eating disorder that come around to play from time to time...but I'm working on fighting them off.

What was last week’s biggest time sink?
The interwebs in general. Facebook/compulsively checking email/the ppk all get me into trouble. It's funny, cause I am on these sights to fulfill the need for social interaction, yet it keeps me from real, face to face interaction which is always more satisfying.

Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
There is a tonne of paper and junk strewn about my bedroom floor, so that situation should be dealt with pronto. I have a lot of baggage in general, but I'm trying to work on the social anxiety and disordered thoughts/behaviours. So instead of having oversized packages of them, I'll just have a small under 100 ml container of them.

What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
Taking Phoebe and Nona to the groomers to get their nails clipped. I can't do it by myself and they both really need it, but it is a pain to book the pet taxi and take them. Gotta suck it up though, they're my furkids! I need to get a lot of school stuff straitened out, and the clock is ticking. My practicum needs to be organized, I need to submit my Doctors letters to the registrars office, and I need to contact the PMC (disabilities accommodation services thingy) so I don't get screwed over (as much) again. I really need to clean out the fridge - that teriyaki tofu is probably developing it's own little ecosystem by now. Oh and bills! They must be paid!

What opportunities are still on the table?
I have been meeting a whole bunch of new people and would really love to get to know them better and start friendships. I am pretty much off for the next week and a half, which can be good and bad. If I just stay at home and wallow obviously it won't be productive. However, it can give me an opportunity to put things in place so this academic year can be awesome with awesome sauce.

Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
I haven't had a Claire chat in a while.....oh and Sarah, when you are back in Ottawa we must get together! Oh, and a certain lovely individual whose surname is the title of a certain religious leader....I need to send her some lovin.

Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Well, I must send out a letter to my fake Grandma who crocheted me the lovely colourful blanket. Oh and readers! I must thank all of you!

How can I help someone else this coming week?

I know that there are a lot of lovely people moving in and out and about, so if any of them need help I volunteer! Speaking of volunteering, I'm starting my volunteer training at Roger's house - should be awesome!

What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
Get my BSW, be emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually/socially healthy, and (as embarrassing as this is to write) to find love.

Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?

I've been working so hard to become "healthy" (whatever the fork that means) and I know that doing these seemingly minor administrative tasks will be a small step in getting my degree- there's some motivation!

What’s the next step for each goal?

BSW: Get everything organized so I can have an awesome academic year!

Health/wellness: Specifically, I'm still working on math freedom (hehe). Counteracting negative self talk is also really important.

and I'm too sheepish to talk about goal number 3

What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?

Volunteer training is really exciting- I can't wait to start and I'm really happy that I'll be doing it with a friend. I know that may not seem like a lot, but I'm looking forward to the many wonders this week has to offer (wow, I should become a motivational speaker and write self help books....or not).

What are my fears?

I'm terrified of doing something wrong and offending/irritating/alienating people in my life. Yeah, this is where the social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder stuff comes into play. I'll try my best not be avoidant and get myself out there though!

I also have an eye appointment on Wednesday....and I hope it goes ok.

Oh and confronting school administrators-EEP!

What am I most grateful for?

Lovely friends, disfunctionally awesome fam jam, Phoebe and Nona, air conditioning, being physically/emotionally ready to return to full time studies, watermelon, sight.....I've got a lot to be thankful for.

If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?

My familia definitely, but also those special friendlies I have scattered across this lovely planet. You guys know who you are love you!

Have a great week everybody!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

dyke march, sleep, waiting for the dryer

Hello friends!

I am impatiently waiting for my quilt/duvet cover to finish drying, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to blog.

Weird thing for the past few day- I've been super tired and have been sleeping all the time. At first this was an exciting novelty that I hadn't experienced for....a very long time! Sleep without pills to knock you out? WOW! Anyways, I was thrilled by this at first but now it's just annoying....

Anyways

Lemme see.....what did I do today....

Well besides sleeping, I went to the Ottawa Dyke march which was funsies. Lots of cool people and adorable dogs. I just....wish I actually knew more people. Damnit, I guess I'll just have to socialize more. I just want to stop feeling so lonely all the time....especially when I'm in a crowd of people.

ED wise it's been a lot better, but still comes to haunt. I've been far less obsessive about the mathematics, but at the end of the day I usually freak out a bit and calculate the total caloric intake of the day and.....yeah, it sucks. I'm getting closer though.

I'm also a little (ok a lot) paranoid that this new undisordered life is causing me to get completely chubs. I weigh myself every time I see Toar, and the last few times have resulted in a few mini breakdowns. I hate how a number can change my mood so quickly.....but hey, I've been ruled by numbers for the last 5 years.

I just keep on having to tell myself it's worth it.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

I'm procrastinating by doing something else I've been procrastinating!

Hey readers,

I am now back from Calgary and am "studying" for my exam tomorrow. Since I seem to be unwilling or incapable (depending on your perspective) to focus on the task at hand, I've decided to update this darn thing!

So yes, Calgary.

The trip was planned for two reasons, one being my friends wedding and the other being to get an MRI. Of course there's always seeing the friends/family, but that goes without saying.

In the end, my pally tied the knot but my brain left without any sort of diagnostic imaging.

I am a bit annoyed at the second part, as I had asked Mumsie to get it set up (or to give me the insurance info so that I could get it set up) for months. She insisted that I get in done in Calgary as a certain friend of a friend is a radiologist. However, she only called this person a week in advance, and when I finally got to Calgary she said "Well, you can get it done in Gatineau, can't you?"

AARRRRRRGGGGGGYLE socks.

Anywhose, there were some issues that arose during this trip, but I shall first focus on the positives.

• I got to see some absolutely lovely people. You know who you are!
• Presents! I know, so materialistic, but I feel so spoiled so I must blog about it! One of my fake grandmas (I am deficient in biological grandmothering so I make do with other peoples elderly relatives) crocheted me a huge colourful blanket, and I so love blankets! Especially colourful ones. Mumsie brought me back three t shirts from Victoria (I am too lazy to describe them, but they are worth a few chortles). Oh, she also got a purple teapot! Oh, and a friend got me a dishtowel that reads "I am not a paper towel". I am very lucky.
• Lovely (albeit short) coffee date with padre (linked to the next positive point)
• Ok, so this is really cool. About a month ago my dad asked me which charities were the best to donate to. He explained that each managing director of his company was choosing a charity to support and he needed help to choose one. Although I dislike the term "charity", I saw this as an opportunity to get support for an organization I believed in. I chose safeworks, which is a harm reduction program for people struggling with addiction in Calgary. They operate at walk in clinics, drop in centers, and have a mobile van. He agreed to support them, met with the directors, wrote a cheque and will be organizing a fundraiser! Woohoo!
• (Also related to safeworks) My dad told the directors of the program that I had suggested that he support it. Anyways, they invited me to do a ride along! It was so cool to see how they operated, and I really admired how the staff worked with their clients. I'm so happy they're getting the help, and I'm so proud that my dad was willing to do so even if it's a controversial program.

Sadly, the negatives kind of over shine these positives.

I love my Mum. She is kind, generous, funny, friendly....you get it. She's awesome.

However, we got into a lot of conflict this weekend.

Ok, before I write anymore I need to backtrack. Remember when I wrote about something that was bothering me but I was too embarrassed to write about it? Well here we go:

I'm not so into dudes. I'm into the ladies.

Female sexuality is fluid, and I hate putting a label on myself. None the less, I haven't ever been into dudes, and as much as I hate to admit it I do feel attracted to members of the same gender. So I guess that makes me gay...woohoo! Let's go dance and wave rainbow flags!

Yeah, not so much.

It's been something I've thought about but strongly denied for years. I'm so tired of being different. I just wished that sexual orientation would be one of the things that I don't have to worry about.

I know, I know....

I shouldn't feel this way

it doesn't matter

I'm still the same person

You can't control who you love

It's ok

You guys know the reality. Despite the progress that has been made, our society is homophobic. Though I have always identified as a gay ally, admitting that I am gay myself isn't so easy. Just like how I strongly advocate for the rights of the mentally ill, accepting myself as mentally ill proved extremely challenging.

Anyways, part of this acceptance is coming out, which I've done to a few friends and a couple weeks ago, my dad. I know, kind of shocking that I told him, but it seemed to be the right time. I was in Toronto for the Paul McCartney concert, and we got together for coffee.

It was an honest conversation. After confronting him, he admitted that his "ex" girlfriend was back and that he had kept it secret. As angry as that made me, his explanation shocked me. He said he had done it so my Mum wouldn't find out. That didn't surprise me, as everything my dad did made my Mum angry, and anything to do with his girlfriend/mistress (my mum prefers the latter term) makes her blood boil. I probed further, asking why he would do something so dishonest. He knew my Mum would find out eventually, and this information is integral to the divorce proceedings, so why couldn't he be an adult and fess up? I told him I knew Mum's anger could be intimidating, but surely it couldn't be so bad that he would have to resort to huge lies of omission?

He told me that a certain, very ugly interaction had made him want to avoid any potential conflict with my Mum ever again. It happened on January 6th, the night I attempted suicide.

He went over to my Mum's house - I think to pick up Caroline for sushi or something like that. My mum had just gotten the news. When my dad entered she told him what had happened. She told him it was his fault, the divorce had fucked me up, and he better not talk to me as I have problems with him. She then lamented that she couldn't come to be with me as she had nobody to watch Caroline.

He left, called air Canada and got on the next plane to Ottawa.

As soon as my Mum found out he had come she called him and yelled at him, calling him a selfish bastard, telling him he would just make things worse....

Yeah.

I still think that hiding from my Mum was an immature way to handle the situation, but telling somebody that they were such a horrible human being that they caused their child to attempt suicide is just......beyond cruel.

Anyways, he was being so honest and open that I wanted to do the same. I told him, and he replied "It's ok Alex, I just want you to be happy".

I really couldn't ask for a better reaction from him.

Anyways, I thought this weekend would be a good opportunity to tell my Mum. It would be in person and I wasn't getting my eyeballs chopped up, so we could have time to talk. I ended up telling her on Thursday night, and she seemed to take it fairly well.

Or at least, I thought she did.

On Friday morning I got up and went to knock on her door and see if she was awake. When I knocked she replied with a curt "WHAT?". Assuming I had interrupted her sleep, I said I was sorry and sheepishly walked back to my room. Later in the morning I tried again.

"WHAT?"

It was almost noon, so I knew she wasn't sleeping (and if she was, something was wrong). I poked my head in, and she was fully dressed and watching TV. I asked her if she was angry at me.

She replied "I'm not angry, I'm hurt".

I was confused. "Hurt?" I asked. "Why?".

She was upset that I had kept this from her for so long (even though I told her I had only recently admitted it to myself). She was mad that I had told my dad first (even though I explained that I had not planned to tell him first, it was just the right place and time). She was hurt that I considered her untrustworthy (I don't). She went on about how unimportant everyone thinks she is and how she is the last to know everything (she isn't).

Basically, I was a liar. I deliberately kept things from her. I don't care about her. I am a bad daughter.

Anyways, I'm getting tired and the rest isn't too eventful. There were tears and shouting. I spent most of the day away from her, and the rest I spent tiptoeing around her emotionally, trying my hardest not to cause any conflict. It got better on Saturday, but we never really had a discussion to sort things out. No apologies and few explanations.

Anyways, it's in the past. I've learned that sometimes the best way to deal with this is to avoid the situation...preferably keeping at least 2 provinces between us.

Anyways guys, all my best. Have a beautiful week. I know I haven't posted much, but i makes me feel a lot better doing it, and I so appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Peace, love and Veggies,

Alex

IN CALGARY- still alive

Hey readers,

I am in my birthplace of Cowtown Alberta. I have just taken my favourite knock out drugs so I am forced to keep this short. I have a lot to write about, but shall save it for tomorrow.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Feel, ask why, get angry

Good evening pallios,

It has been an interesting few days. I feel like so much has changed - but of course it's not obvious to many people but me (and you all now I guess!).

I have never let go of my eating disorder this much since I developed it. While it's amazing and liberating, it's also confusing. What do I do now to occupy my time? For so long disorders have been my hobbies....

Anyways, I am trying to figure that one out. What I wanted to share was my new technique in fighting against eating disordered thoughts and feelings.

I am in social work, and my program is based upon a "structural" approach. This is basically an emphasis on how social structures marginalize people and cause them harm. I probably said that wrong , but it's my understanding.

This is a great way to understand social issues, but many of my peers feel frustrated and annoyed by it. It is so hard to put into practice. When you're doing front line work you have so much to do and so little time- not enough to address deeply seeded oppression. Also, you are restricted depending on the agencies mandate. You want to be an advocate, but you soon realize that alone you are pretty powerless.

I think some of my friends have burnt out before even entering the field.

So I am practicing the structural approach on myself, starting with the F word.

No, not that one......FEMINISM

How?

I have an immediate thought or feeling. "I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I hate myself", I'm stupid", "I need to lose weight", "recovery isn't worth it", "I need to weigh myself NOW", "How many calories have I consumed today"....

Then I ask myself, why?

Eating disorders are not "caused" by the media, but rather a complex blend of social, genetic and psychological factors. Most people understand eating disorders as a result of our thin obsessed culture, while in treatment it is very much about the individual. I'm now reflecting on my few months at "ano camp" *. While we did do media awareness, it was primarily focused on our internal struggles. I sometimes got a sense that that identifying societal pressure as a factor in developing an eating disorder was a "cop out" of some sort.

*"Ano camp" refers to the day treatment program I attended spring/summer of 2007. It's not an accurate title as it treated a variety of eating disorders, but it did feel a bit like a day camp for the nutritionally challenged.

I now wish they had taken a feminist, empowerment based approach. Not to bash the program, the staff tried their best to do this within very rigid guidelines. However, the program was largely based upon the medical model, making us (ok, me) powerless to a "disease" that must be "cured". We were constantly told what thoughts are behaviours were "healthy" and which were "disordered". In some ways this perspective condemned certain beliefs/behaviours around food. For example, veganism was seen as unhealthy and too obsessive. I kept arguing that beliefs and values DO influence what/how we eat. I challenged them with "what about Ramadan for Muslims? Why does our society see eating insects as disgusting while other cultures consume them readily? My mum/dad/second cousin drinks diet coke, are they disordered?".

Anyways what I'm getting at (besides the fact that I was a very frustrating client) is that instead of instructing us on what is healthy and what isn't, treatment providers must encourage us to make our own decisions based on what we want for ourselves.

I appreciate the fact that medical model based treatment restored my physical health, but it did not restore my emotional health. What helped me was questioning why I gravitated towards eating disordered behaviour instead of some other mode of coping.

I had poor self esteem, a great amount of guilt, perfectionistic tendancies, and a habit of isolation. These loaded the metaphorical gun of the disorder. However, it was social structures that pulled the trigger.

We all want to feel accepted, worthy, safe....and our societies preoccupation with thinness presents us a road to get to that place. It is a trap, of course, as the further we get into the disorder the more isolated, worthless and scared we become.

It doesn't matter how strong or intelligent we are, so many can fall into this trap. Though it's important to teach media literacy, it is not enough to truly prevent a disorder.

We need to feel powerful, we need to get angry. We need to fight back.

This is my current mode of thinking.

Every day thoughts of self hatred rush through my head, screaming at me to restrict food, burn it off with exercise etc. I shout (in my head) against them.

Where does this thought come from? Why do I need to deny myself a simple pleasure such as eating? Why does how I look have such a huge effect on how I perceive myself?

STOP LYING! Stop telling me that weight loss will make me happy. Stop telling me that it will make me more accepted. It makes me a grumpy hermit.

I will fight back. I'm not going to let this trap lure me in. I want to show other women (and yes, some men) that they don't have to follow either.

Ok, who's up for some cupcakes and bra burning?

Thanks for letting me rant incoherently!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Tattoo reflection

Hey Readers,

I recently discussed my intention to get a tattoo of a shackle with a broken chain....and here it is!

I had my appointment yesterday afternoon, and so far so good! It took about an hour and a half, and I had to bend and twist a lot so Jamie (the tattoo artist) had it in the right position. It was done at living colour tattoo in Ottawa by Jamie (plug: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tattoos-by-Jamie/122959891072453?ref=ts) she was lovely!

The question I'm so often asked is "did it hurt". My answer? ish. She actually started the tattoo by doing the chain that lies on the boney part of the ankle, which is the most sensitive. It did hurt, but it was short lived, and definitely wasn't unbearable. After she finished the chain she said "if you can get through that part the rest will be easy" and it was.

The big question- why a shackle? I think many people who know me or have read this blog can take a guess. The shackle represents everything that has held me captive and kept me from enjoying life. This includes depression, cutting,the eating disorder, guilt, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, never feeling good enough.....there are so many things that hold me back

So I carry all of this with me and show it to the world.

but the chain is broken

I don't have to let all of this keep me imprisoned. I have the power escape. It can no longer stop me - I am free.

It's not your typical "recovery" tattoo. Many people choose butterflies, flowers, birds or a phoenix to represent the beauty and freedom that comes with recovery, and that's awesome. However, I want to show my experiences as they are: dark, strong, big and even a bit ugly. It is that ugliness that makes being free of it so beautiful.

Ok, this is probably getting a bit wishy washy, so I will bid you fair well. Have a lovely weekend!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Song of the day- Rise by Rainer Maria

Listen this and be all inspired..woo!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hZ9PIok7vo

I slipped but I did not fall

Hey lovely people,

Sadly, my 3 day math-free success came to an end today. I binged, freaked out, calculated the calories, freaked out more.....you get the picture.

I am extremely disappointed with myself. In situations like this I feel like I've failed at both my eating disorder and recovery. However, I will start again tomorrow as a new day, and hopefully it will be the beginning of many more math free days.

I guess the big thing I need to change is being disappointed with myself, as that just keeps me feeling guilty. Guilt just continues the depression and self destruction.

So yeah, forgiveness, acceptance, self love....all those concepts that make me gag and roll my eyes....apparently I need to focus on them.

Bah.

Oh yes, speaking of eyes I get to spend another tuesday morning with the Dr. Leonards. Such a delight. I need to remember the following questions, so hopefully blogging about them will help me remember:

1) Am I able to fly (on a airplane that is, I don't want another trip the the psych ward thankyouverymuch)?

2) What can/will happen

if we just leave the eye alone indefinitely?

3) Can you fill out these forms for the Paul Menton center? *To prevent further kerfuffles

Ok, hopefully I'll remember.

What else is new and exciting.....

Well despite the food weirdness today was pretty good. I went and picked up some stripey t shirts (my wardrobe essential), went to the pop art exhibit at the national gallery (definitely recommended, unless you are squeamish about things like dead horses and vaginas) and watched the HBO premiere of 12th and Delaware (documentary). Oh, and I recently subscribed to a whole bunch of documentaryish channels! Think of all the learning!

Oh, a bit of exciting news. I went for a consult with a tattoo artist, and I am getting

a piece done on Thursday afternoon. I am very excited. This will be my first tattoo and it has a lot of meaning behind it. It's going to be a broken shackle on my ankle. Here is a pic that is sort of what I'm thinking about.

The difference with mine is 1) it won't be done on a hairy dude leg and 2) It will use grey and white to give it a more realistic, metallic look.

If you're a regular reader of this blog you probably have an idea of what this tattoo represents. There are so many things in my life that made me feel trapped and powerless. Depression, ED, social anxiety, perfectionism, anxiety, guilt, vision loss.....need I continue?

The point is to show that I have broken free have the opportunity to move forward. Though I will carry these things with me, they cannot stop me. I can be free.

That's really all for now guys, I should get to bed.

Peace, Love and Veggies!

Alex