suspicious

Hey followers.

I wish I had written in the days leading up to yesterday. I was doing ok....dare I even say "good"? It would have been a lot more uplifting for you all to read. I guess the problem is that I only want to write during times of intense emotion, and my "ok" or "good" days don't inspire me as much. So what I'm saying is....don't assume I'm always doing poorly because that's what I write about.

That being said, yesterday/today have been stressful. I went in for my 6 week post op appointment. As usual, a resident doc is the first to see me. Fair enough. However, she takes forever and doesn't give me any information (IE: my eye pressure, how my retina is, how my cornea graft is). She then goes (for a long time!) and gets another resident to poke around. Again, no information. He leaves and I can here the eye doctor gang chatting outside the door for a long time (but I couldn't make out what they were saying). Then my glaucoma specialist comes in, pokes my eye ball a bit more, then tells me that my retina looks "suspicious". He then directs me down the hall to see the retina specialist. I get there and the receptionist tells me the retina specialist isn't available and they'll call be back soon and get me an appointment within a week. So I went home.

Today the eye institute phoned to tell me that even though the retinal specialist was in meetings all of tomorrow, he can meet with me after hours.

My appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough. I have so many questions and no answers. What the hell does "suspicious" mean (in regards to a retina)? A friend of mine said it made her imagine my retina dressed in black, sneaking around. It could mean so many things- and not knowing is what's killing me. "Suspicious" could mean something minor like a small tear or complication from the surgery (which can easily be fixed). It could even be something so tiny that the other doctors weren't even sure if it was significant or not. But why wouldn't they say that? When I was diagnosed with a retina detachment my glaucoma specialist told me about it right after he examined me....So why couldn't he tell me now? Why couldn't anyone tell me anything?

I don't want to jump to conclusions. It's frustrating- I've been dealing with my eye condition my entire life, and I've been given a lot of bad news. I can deal with bad news, there isn't any information that I need to be protected from. Again, it could be an abnormality that they were unsure about......but I'm still left wondering.

Oh, and don't google "suspicious retina" unless you want to convince yourself that you are dying of intraocular melanoma.

I guess I'll see (no pun intended) what tomorrow brings.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex