Hi everyone,
Yesterday I was told that my retina had detached again. I am going in for another surgery next week. It will be the same procedure, but they will use silicone oil as a retina "splint" (they used a bubble of gas last time). The advantage of this is that silicone oil lasts forever and won't dissolve like a gas bubble, giving the retina long term support. The disadvantage of this is also that silicone lasts forever, so I will need another surgery to remove it in the future.
I'm definitely feeling frustrated and defeated. I had worked so hard to heal from my last surgery, and now I have to do it all over again. I don't want to start asking "why me" because A) Why not me? and B) This is minor compared to what many other people face. I've come to accept that big ole' blue on the right side of my face probably won't make it as long as I do. I am used to monovision, so sight loss wouldn't be the end of the world. However, I realize that my "good" eye also has some problems, and it could possibly go down the same path....
Blindness....I've been thinking about it a lot. It's brought up so many thoughts - Will I be able to be independent? Will I miss the beauty the world has to offer? How will people treat me differently? How will I treat myself? Will my weight and size matter? Will I still have body image issues?
What would it be like to judge a person not by their physical appearance? Will it strip away the unconscious bias within me? If so, I would feel so lucky.
Anyways, I've been wanting to will out these questions for awhile. Sometimes it's easier to get in touch with yourself when we have prompts. I'm going to answer 5 of the "50 questions to free your mind", and will try to slowly complete them in my posts. Here we go!
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These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Physically, I look like I'm 15. Emotionally....probably 80.
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
In my experience, never trying. That being said, my fear of failure is far greater than the fear of not trying.
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
I hate to use someone else's words, but I think Eleanor Roosevelt had it figured out - "happiness is not a goal, it is a by product". We all have dreams and goals to strive for, and we focus our time and energy to achieve them. Some people work too hard o earn more money so that one day they can buy the things they want and be happy. Some people (like me) will tell ourselves that happiness can only be achieved at a certain size. In many instances we are left unsatisfied.
Not that making goals or having dreams is a bad thing. However, if you only focus on the outcome and aren't able to enjoy the process you can't truly be happy. Let me think of examples of each...Ok. I dream of becoming a social worker and helping other people in times of turmoil. I enjoy the process of achieving this dream- learning about the subject is something I like. Granted, I get frustrated with it sometimes and am not usually keen on exams or papers....but I still think the positive outweighs the negative.
My ED exemplifies this questions so easily- I want to achieve a certain body size/shape/weight, but must torture myself to get there.
So how can I really answer this question? People do it because they are convinced that through enough effort and sacrifice we can achieve happiness/acceptance/whatever you truly want. Sadly we are misguided, as no prize can be grand enough to make up for a life wasted.
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Probably- but I don't think that is always a negative thing. Your ideas and perspectives can inspire others, and that is how you create a social movement!
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
This sounds really broad and anarchist, but I want to eliminate power and replace it with cooperation
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Ok guys, that's enough thinking for now.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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