I know I promised to write sooner, and be assured that I did try. The words just didn't come to me like they usually did. Perhaps it was due to my lack of practice, perhaps cause my eyeball hurt, perhaps cause I felt kind of depressed during the healing process.
Likely it's a combination of all of those. I was lying face down to allow my retina to heal, and I was bored and lonely. It's ironic, because when I feel depressed I have a tendency to lie in bed and do nothing. Since the fall I have been trying to fight against depression and force myself out of bed. The all of a sudden I was forced to lie there, seemingly going against what I had been striving for. It wasn't a great time.
On a cognitive level, I know that lying on my bed to heal my retina and lying in bed cause I was depressed were very different. One is focused on becoming healthy while the other allows you to stay sick. As difficult as it was, I am proud that I was able to follow my doctors orders without going insane(r).
I had my one week post op appointment today. I was nervous because my surgeon was so quiet and meticulous when examining my eyes. He also asked how my depression was (shit-do I have reason to be more depressed?). He then looked at me and said "Well, the good news is your eye pressure is at a normal level, we haven't disrupted your eye shunts or the transplanted cornea, and your retina is done it's initial stages of healing, so you don't have to do posturing anymore". I asked him if I could resume all activities, like bike riding/yoga/swimming/weight lifting and he said yes! I didn't mention roller derby as I don't think any doctor would recommend the sport. So I sat waiting for the bad news, but instead he said "There is a possibility that it may detach again, and if so I will be here to repair it, but I am hoping that this will be our last visit and I wish you the very best of luck". I was thrilled- I shook his hand and said goodbye to all the staff (who seemed to all know me on a first name basis) and left with a huge cheesy grin.
I was so happy to ride my bike and be outside and just....feel free. I've spent so much time being worried and made to feel fragile, but today I felt more powerful. I did pretty dull things to most people (bought shampoo, rode my bike, took a walk), but after this past week it was freaking AWESOME!
Something else amazing happened today: my little sister graduated from high school. Ok, she did not receive a diploma - she has cognitive delays and isn't able to. However, she is fully included in her schools grad, has a beautiful dress and is beyond excited and is so proud of herself. And so am I.
It is a new chapter in her life, and it won't be easy. She is leaving a school that provided intensive support and resources, and now she is leaving. My mum and her will need to complete numerous applications, psychological tests, legal processes, and more so she can enter programs and receive support as an adult. It's scary and her future is unknown, but for now she is graduating, has a dress that makes her feel like a princess and will proudly walk across the stage with her classmates. When I think about her joy and excitement I can't help but smile.
Obviously, this burst of optimism is not enough to solve all the challenges I face. After the eye surgery, even while I was squinting and it hurt to focus my eyes, I would get on that damn scale as much as I could. The eating disorder still exerts it's control and depression still haunts me, but I am refreshed and delighted by the seemingly normal things- having the ability to do activities I enjoy and a high school graduation, that are so wonderful if you stop to consider it.
Ok, I am done for tonight. Writing this blog is good for me and I have every intention of continuing. It makes me happy to know that there are a few people reading it. I hope the thoughts of me riding my bike again and my sister feeling proud and excited to graduate are enough to bring a smile to your faces.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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