Sometimes, I really enjoy life

Hi everyone,

I know I promised to write sooner, and be assured that I did try. The words just didn't come to me like they usually did. Perhaps it was due to my lack of practice, perhaps cause my eyeball hurt, perhaps cause I felt kind of depressed during the healing process.

Likely it's a combination of all of those. I was lying face down to allow my retina to heal, and I was bored and lonely. It's ironic, because when I feel depressed I have a tendency to lie in bed and do nothing. Since the fall I have been trying to fight against depression and force myself out of bed. The all of a sudden I was forced to lie there, seemingly going against what I had been striving for. It wasn't a great time.

On a cognitive level, I know that lying on my bed to heal my retina and lying in bed cause I was depressed were very different. One is focused on becoming healthy while the other allows you to stay sick. As difficult as it was, I am proud that I was able to follow my doctors orders without going insane(r).

I had my one week post op appointment today. I was nervous because my surgeon was so quiet and meticulous when examining my eyes. He also asked how my depression was (shit-do I have reason to be more depressed?). He then looked at me and said "Well, the good news is your eye pressure is at a normal level, we haven't disrupted your eye shunts or the transplanted cornea, and your retina is done it's initial stages of healing, so you don't have to do posturing anymore". I asked him if I could resume all activities, like bike riding/yoga/swimming/weight lifting and he said yes! I didn't mention roller derby as I don't think any doctor would recommend the sport. So I sat waiting for the bad news, but instead he said "There is a possibility that it may detach again, and if so I will be here to repair it, but I am hoping that this will be our last visit and I wish you the very best of luck". I was thrilled- I shook his hand and said goodbye to all the staff (who seemed to all know me on a first name basis) and left with a huge cheesy grin.

I was so happy to ride my bike and be outside and just....feel free. I've spent so much time being worried and made to feel fragile, but today I felt more powerful. I did pretty dull things to most people (bought shampoo, rode my bike, took a walk), but after this past week it was freaking AWESOME!

Something else amazing happened today: my little sister graduated from high school. Ok, she did not receive a diploma - she has cognitive delays and isn't able to. However, she is fully included in her schools grad, has a beautiful dress and is beyond excited and is so proud of herself. And so am I.

It is a new chapter in her life, and it won't be easy. She is leaving a school that provided intensive support and resources, and now she is leaving. My mum and her will need to complete numerous applications, psychological tests, legal processes, and more so she can enter programs and receive support as an adult. It's scary and her future is unknown, but for now she is graduating, has a dress that makes her feel like a princess and will proudly walk across the stage with her classmates. When I think about her joy and excitement I can't help but smile.

Obviously, this burst of optimism is not enough to solve all the challenges I face. After the eye surgery, even while I was squinting and it hurt to focus my eyes, I would get on that damn scale as much as I could. The eating disorder still exerts it's control and depression still haunts me, but I am refreshed and delighted by the seemingly normal things- having the ability to do activities I enjoy and a high school graduation, that are so wonderful if you stop to consider it.

Ok, I am done for tonight. Writing this blog is good for me and I have every intention of continuing. It makes me happy to know that there are a few people reading it. I hope the thoughts of me riding my bike again and my sister feeling proud and excited to graduate are enough to bring a smile to your faces.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

I suck at updating- but gimme a break my eyeball is broken!

Hey everyone,

Yes I am alive (though if you read this blog I think you already know that). Obviously the past two weeks have been crazy and I've neglected blogging. It still hurts to focus on a computer screen for long periods of time so I'll keep this brief- but I want everyone (or anyone) who reads this to know that I still want to continue documenting the mundane aspects of my existence.

Now however, I need to go position my face downwards to avoid messing up my surgery.

Peace love and veggies,

Alex

I'm having relationship problems with my retina, it's so detached

Hey,

It’s funny how you think things might get better and then something unexpected hits you like a semitruck. That hapene to me on Tuesay.

I had a routine eye appointment along with my 6 month visual field test (testing my peripheral vision). It’s almost like a game- as soon as you see a light you push the buzzer. I noticed that I my right eye (my bad one) was especially sucky in the test. However, it’s a kind of sucky eye so I didn’t think much of it.

After that test I go back to the waiting room. After I’ve been waiting for almost an hour a nurse comes in and announces: “Dr. Rock (my doc, glaucoma specialist) had some emergencies to attend to so he is two hours behind. If you are able to wait a bit to see him I advise you reschedule and go home”.So everyone got in a line to explain their situation and be judged whether or not it was urgent enough to make them have to see the doctor today. I decided to get in line as these were routine tests and my eyes have been pretty stable over the past few years.

I told her that I had already ha a visual field test one and was waiting for an ocular pressure check and meeting with Dr. Rock. However, these were routine tests and I din’t mind rescheduling. She then touched my hand an sai “No hunn, I heard them talking about you. You have to stay”.

Shit

Pretty soon I was in Dr. Rock’s office. He is a good doctor but has the bedside manner of a….rock. He quietly said “hello” to which I replied “Hi! How are you?”. I got no response back.

So he did the normal vision test. Usually my bad eye can recognize the big “E” on the eye chart. Ok that’s a lie, I just know it’s always an “E”, but I can at least see some blobs that look eye chart like. However, when he starte the test and asked me what letters I can read I said “You turned the projector on?”

Bad sign. I can now only see light and dark with that one eye.

He checked my eye pressure, looke at it through a slit lamp, held his fingers in front of my face (which I couldn’t see with my right eye). Then he finally spoke.

“Your eye pressure is extremely low. You appear to have retinal detachment. Follow me to Dr. Leonards office- he is a retina surgeon.

So I followed him and saw Dr. Leonard. He examined my eyes yet again, explained the problem yet again, then explained how to fix it. Surgery, obviously. It's a procedure called a vitrectomy. They suck the vitreous jelly out of your eye, fix the retina, then fill the eye with a gas bubble or bit of silicone oil to support the retina.

After getting that news I got a physical to make sure I was fit for the surgery and filled out paperwork. My surgery is scheduled next Thursday the 20th of May.

I'm kind of tired, so I won't go into any personal details regarding how I feel about the surgery...but basically it's shitty, but I have no choice. I will write more later.

Peace, Love and veggies,

Alex

the most irritating term

Hey adoring fans,

Today I actually have a topic. First, I want everyone to guess what term frustrates me the most (ok, excluding racist, sexist, ableist terms). It’s used all the time and you might never have thought of it.

It’s the phrase “healthy eating”.

You may ask why I feel this way. Don’t I encourage healthy eating? Shouldn't it be my goal? The answer to al these questions is yes.

Yet the term still irks me.

I will give you two recent examples/anecdotes where this term is used.

#1

Long ago I decided to stop buying fashion/beauty/fitness/celebrity magazines because my inner feminist didn’t want to support an industry so morally bankrupt. I stick to magazines like bust, bitch, vegnews, bicycling times….you get the picture. I’ve slipped up a couple times and bought some, but for the past few months I’ve been…sober from patriarchal filth? Ok, maybe a little extreme but basically I’ve really stopped buying them.

However, I was getting my hair cut and my stylist gave me a stack of magazines while my hairy head was baking to become blonder. I flipped through a few of them and then I came upon Us weekly’s diet special.

I know, I shouldn’t have touched the thing.

Thankfully, it didn’t send me into a downward eating disordered spiral, but rather made me disgusted. They used the term “healthy eating” when describing the diets of various celebrities, but obviously they were focused on weight loss. There was the one were you puree all your food into baby food like mush. They put up sample menus from various starlets, including the nutritional information for the persons daily food intake. One girl had eaten less than 1,200 calories (I hate to use numbers, but most people should know that is a starvation diet). For breakfast she had a latte- and the “nutritionist” who analyzed her menu criticized her for drinking a latte with whole milk, and insisting that she drink skim to cut back on fat and calories. Umm, who are you and why are you calling yourself a nutritionist? This woman needs more calories and more fat. What substance allows for absorption of certain vitamins, insulates the body against cold and injury, offers a source of long lasting energy, makes your hair shiny….fat.

Then they analyzed Kate Gosselins “dancing with the stars” diet. It only allowed for one serving of carbs (more accurately “grains”) per day, only in the morning (the food guide recommends at east 6 servings of grain daily for a woman her age). She eats hummus and veggies for the rest of the day, and while she makes her kids sloppy joes for dinner she makes herself egg whites and vegetables. She claims to be the “healthiest” eater on the show.

Then there’s “healthy eating” ano camp style.

When I was in day patient eating disorder treatment we would have groups on nutrition education. About every week the subject was “healthy eating”. The group would generally start by the facilitators asking us what the term “healthy eating” made us think about, and then they’d give us a bunch of words that describe healthy eating:

“energizing”

“fun”

“variable”

“flexible”

“satisfying”

“nourishing”

“colourful”

As the resident smart ass I eventually grew tired of this discussion. So eventually when we had a group on healthy eating and I was asked what healthy eating meant to me I would respond in a monotone voice “healthy eating is energizing, fun, variable, flexible, satisfying, nourishing and colourful”. I would then get death stares from the facilitators.

I’m not disagreeing with any of these descriptions, but the repetitive, vague answers were irritating. As one goes through treatment they work on “normalizing” your eating. However, you then realize that almost nobody its into the category of normal. True, a lot of women in our society have unhealthy relationships with food without having a full blown eating disorder. What then happens is you begin to notice “unhealthy” behaviours like calorie counting or using exercise to compensate for larger amounts of food in women you thought of as healthy. You begin to question if “healthy eating” is possible. They present it as black and while – either you’re an eating disorder sufferer or someone who is unaffected my cultural pressure to be thin and eats completely intuitively (but still within the guidelines of Canada’s food guide). You realize that those people are rare, if not extinct.

These different interpretations bother me and make me want to pull my hair out. We are socialized to believe that regimented, low calorie diets describe :healthy eating”. Then you tget sick and fo to ano camp and are taught that it’s wrong. You can’t drink a diet coke or feel insecure with your body without it being an eating disorder symptom.

So what the hell is healthy eating?

Still looking for an answer,

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

forward, backward, I'm going everywhere

Hi lovely people,

I feel like every post for the past while has started with an apology for not posting. I feel bad cause some of you claim to enjoy reading the blog, and I don't want to deprive anybody of their fun! However, I am depressed and forgetful (thanks excessive psychiatric medication!), so I may post every few days. Or every day. Ok, whenever I feel like it....I know that is rather unpredictable, but unless you want an entry that reads something like "today I stayed in bed, trying to convince myself to wake up", this system shall have to do.

Some new things have come up though. First and foremost, I am the proud guardian of a 5 month old bunny who I named Nona. She is very sweet and shy, but also very territorial. She gives pissed off little bunny grunts when I touch her in her cage or mess up her carefully arranged shredded newspaper. She has every right to be this way, as she and 6 other bunnies were found in a tiny cage (with no food or water) abandoned in a park. She was likely an poorly thought out Easter gift. This time of year many bunnies are brought to the humane society after people realize that they're not easy to take care of. So my little public service announcement is to think before you take a fuzzbutt into your home.

Tomorrow I start one of my summer courses, which is exciting and a bit intimidating. It's a sociology course, not social work (I've already taken all the ones offered in the summer). I haven't been in school since November, and even at that I missed a ton by having swine flu and a glaucoma flare up. Oh, speaking of glaucoma I have a visual field test on Tuesday at the Ottawa General's eye institute. Oh to wander the corridors of the Ottawa general, so may memories.....PFFT

What else...well to be honest I have been struggling of late. From long periods of mindless depression to self destructive thoughts (chill everyone, Toar and I have got it under control). It makes me so frustrated. Why am I not better by now? I thought I was well on my way to recovery. I often wonder if it'll get better, and if t does get better how do I know it won't happen again.

Guess all I can do is hope for the best.

Not much of a topic today, but I shall think of something insightful soon.

Peace, Love and veggies,

Alex

4 months

Hey pallios,

It dawned on me today that it is exactly 4 months since my suicide attempt.

I know it's a scary, taboo subject. Even in the helping profession we use terms like hurting or harming oneself. Kind of an odd thing to say as there are so many things we do to harm ourselves without being suicidal. Nevertheless, I am going to go back to that night.

What good can come out of reliving it? For you maybe none. For myself it serves as a powerful reminder to why I should, or rather must move forward. So to move forward, I must occasionally go back.

January 6th, 2010

I had just gotten back to Ottawa the day before. I had gone home for the holidays following a two week long hospital admission for suicidal ideation. I had hoped that the time with family, friends and Christmas cheer would brighten my spirits and lift my depression. Though it was lovely to be around those people I loved, the problems did not go away. There was also the stress of having an eating disorder during the holidays (cookies, candy, Christmas dinners - AHH). Anyways, I came back in a pretty fragile emotional state.

During that day I was lost in feelings of depression. I tried to get myself to finish the two papers that had been deferred, but I couldn't write a single sentence. I was so angry at myself for wasting a perfectly good Christmas/New Years. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I saw the pills.

I had toyed with the idea before of taking them and then going outside, passing out and freezing to death (I know, graphic and disturbing, but that was my plan). For this reason I often argued that my overdosing was only half a suicide attempt. I'll let you guys decide that one as you read on.

So anyways, I saw the pills.Setraline, brand name zoloft. 120 of them. I had previously researched the lethal dose, and it seemed to vary greatly from case to case. However, in this state of hopelessness I just said "fuck it".

And down they went.

Almost immediately after taking them reality struck me hard. What the hell did I just do? I called a friend to take me to the hospital.

I remember checking into the ER. I remember explaining what I had done. I remember going into the urgent care wing, putting on hospital robes, getting an EKG done, all that jazz. I remember a doctor telling me (in a flippant tone) that it wasn't a huge deal cause setraline wasn't all that toxic. I remember feeling sick to my stomach.

Then it becomes fuzzy.

I had a full, tonic-clonic seizure. I got a head ct to check for blood clots. My parents were called.

I don't remember any of that. What I do remember is the horrible hallucinations that came after the seizure. Every person I could imagine who I loved and cared about appeared in front of me. At first my thoughts were that they had come to visit....some sort of Alex get well parade. Of course, this delusion was not so happy.

They could not hear me. They were all crying. They were just told that I had died.

I tried to convince them that I wasn't dead. I began to literally punch myself in the chest (apparently to get my heart pumping again). It was no use though, they wouldn't stop crying and screaming.

I started to cry and I shouted "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I'm so sorry mum/dudes/mailman (ok, I lie, the mailman was not present)".

After a while the urgent care nurses got annoyed. Rightfully so, they have a bunch of patients at deaths door and there's this girl screaming apologies at nonexistent people and performing her own CPR. They started shouting at me to stop, saying over and over "your mother is in Calgary!". I however, saw her in front of me crying hysterically, so I wasn't too convinced.

So that was the night. I was injected with something without my consent. I think that kept me more manageable.

Anyways, the following afternoon my dad flew in from Calgary. Though at first I was skeptical and asked if he was my real father (a valid concern- I didn't know what was real at that point). Once I was assured that he was it was nice to have his company.

So what's the point of this? Well, when I described it to my mum she said this: "Alex, I know it was a hallucination, but the way you're describing peoples reactions sounds bang on. I've dealt with a lot in my life, but losing you isn't something that I could handle".

There are still times when those thoughts creep into my head. Though I know there are many reasons not to give up on life, when I am desperate I think back to that night.

It cannot become a reality. I cannot put the people I love through the pain of grief. My goal in life is to relieve the suffering of others.

I can't let my death bring upon that kind of suffering.

It's been four months since that night. May it never become real.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

status quo

Hey readers,

I feel a bit guilty smuilty for being unreliable in my posting. Unlike last week where no posting = Alex's dwindling emotional stability, the past few days have been relatively uneventful. Yes, I'm still depressed and disordered, but I'm not crisis-y, making vows of starvation, spending hours alone crying....so in that sense I'm doing awesome!

However, there haven't been any breakthroughs or new insights gained- just trying to do the best I can the best I know how.

However, there are always a few little details I want to share. Here we go:

"OC transpo travel planner LIES"

In the past week I have not once but TWICE been screwed over by OC transpo's travel planner too. Usually I love that thing, makes me feel like I can navigate the world (or at least, the Ottawa/Gatineau area). However, two unsuccessful journeys have take that feeling away. First, I try to get to the Ottawa trainyards so I can go to storage solutions. I get off where I'm supposed to and walk in the direction the travel planner dictates. I wander around aimlessly, try to navigate through this strange place where there isn't a pedestrian (and at times, a sidewalk) in sight. Eventually I end up at the viarail train station. Now I realize that this is actually close to the trainyards, but at that time I had given up and just wanted to go home. I hopped into a taxi and 15.00$ later I was no closer to storage solutions than I was before I left. Poo. Oh, and when I got home I realized that on this adventure I had lost my bus pass.

A couple days later, I tried to go to petsmart.

As mentioned earlier, I am in the process of adopting a rescue rabbit. Adopting a new family member isn't something I take lightly, so I wanted to find books and all necessary supplies required to comfortably house a cute little bunnykin. However, none of the pet supplies stores near me have the proper supplies. So I decided that I needed to go to one of those huge pet supplies stores, like petcetera and petsmart. The petcetera near me had closed down, so petsmart was a viable alternative. Or so I thought.

OC Transpo managed to guide me to Bumfork Blackburn Hamlet (no offense Blackburn Hamlet residents). According to the travel planner, I was supposed to be in the middle of the petsmart-but in reality I was beside a busy roadway next to a yardsale sign. So I caught the bus going in the direction I came from and went home with yet another afternoon wasted.

This is why I like biking so much.

"Online pickup lines that FAIL"

Ok, so I joined an online dating site. I wasn't too fond of the idea, but where else can I find dudes? I'm in social work and I don't like the bar scene....so my options are kind of limited.

Some people on the site seem decent, but some are well....here are some quotes from messages they've sent to me...

"Now I'll be honest with you, I used to make fun of autistic kids"

"I'm using your picture to jerk off with now"

"Your profile kind of scared me...but..."

"Me and you are so much alike....except for the politics"

"I just read your profile and I think you and I should get married. Do you disagree?"

"Do you need a mature man?" (from a dude old enough to be my father)

"I LOVE to hunt"

Oh the internets...

Ok guys, that's all I've got. I promise to write about healing, serenity and all that bullpoop soon.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Healthy sunshiney rainbows Alex makes a comeback

Hey comrades,

So the past few days have been full of doubt, self loathing and an overwhelming desire to self destruct. I've been waking up ever morning wanting to starve and isolate myself for an undecided (but definitely long) period of time.

However, every day I eventually convince myself to get out of bed, eat, shower (on occasion), go get therapized....you know, all of those "keep Alex functioning" shenanigans. Every day I make the decision to do these things I seem to find a different argument to do so. For example, I planned on going to roller derby Saturday night (epic fail, but we'll discuss that later). Therefore, since I have a goal to not to pass out and get trampled by derby girls, I ate semi normally. Today I knew I had a therapy appointment and didn't want a repeat of Thursday. Though I know that using these reasons to keep me from slipping is positive, it would be nice if I could just do it cause I want to take care of myself. HAH!

I've been feeling so guilty of late, just like I'm wasting every ones time and am not getting better fast enough. I feel like I'm disappointing people by slipping (which is why I haven't spoken to my parents about it). I hope I'm not disappointing any of you.

Oh, how was roller derby an epic failure? Well first off I forgot running shoes and had to do the off skate component in either socks or birkenstocks (neither ideal). The real issue was that I just sucked at it. Granted, I hadn't done it since the fall and hadn't attended the two previous sessions, but the fact remained that I sucked and was behind everyone else. When I started in the fall I thought I was decent at it, that I was at least at a level comparable to everyone else. Not this time. I felt like the girl on the boat who didn't know which line to grab, I felt like the one kid who didn't understand a concept in math and was asked to answer a question. Though everyone was kind and eager to help, I felt so embarrassed. So I packed up my gear, slipped out the door and left.

If at first you don't succeed, QUIT! - My motto

Wow I'd be a really crappy motivational speaker, eh?

I'm (kind of) kidding about quitting and giving up. Obviously I haven't quit everything. I'm still trying to get through the day and to eventually get to the point where I can do more than that.

This week is over, tomorrow brings new opportunities and hopefully "healthy sunshiney rainbows Alex" will dominate.

I know I've given this sort of message before, but I'll repeat myself. Keep on moving forward y'all!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex