I feel like every time I update this blog it starts with an apology. I feel badly for anyone who relies on this for insight, inspiration or just proof that they're not alone in feeling the way they do. That being said, my time is now being occupied by things other than my healing journey....or rather, not obviously part of my healing journey.
Frig, did I just use the term "healing journey?" Erlack, I've been in therapy too long.
Anyways, I've been a little overwhelmed of late and thought I would use this outlet again.
This year has been a whirlwind of activity- all exciting and amazing, but still stressful. I haven't experienced this kind of freedom from my eating disorder since I was fifteen, and it's so new and full of possibility. However, with all this possibility I've taken on a lot of different activities/opportunities/responsibilities. Of late it's been a little too much, and I'm struggling to find a balance. It's so hard, because for the past year I struggled with not wanting to do anything or thinking that I was incapable of doing anything. Now I look at all that's in front of me, get excited and want to do everything. I want to take leadership roles and be an activist, I want to start new hobbies, I want to make new friends, I want to excel in school, I want to help my community.....you get where I'm going?
I'm frustrated that I can't do it all. I see friends of mine hold down (sometimes multiple) jobs, be a full time student, participate in events/organizations they believe in.....and I can't do the same. I'm told by Toar and Dr. D that depression and ED recovery take so much time and energy, plus I am on very high doses of medication that affect my ability to function (while at the same time, help me function). In social work, we are so critical of psychiatry. I know it's not meant in this way, but it feels like it's a criticism of myself. If mental illness is just this big social construct, am I taking the easy way out by taking medication? Am I really "sick" or just lazy/moody? Is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? I wish I knew the answer.
So today I forgot some really important things. I messed up an important piece of documentation at my placement by forgetting several key points, and I forgot about an important meeting I had to attend (for student placements this summer). I have felt that since I started these medications my memory has deteriorated, but what if I'm just not working hard enough to be organized? I berated myself for this.
Anyways, I reflected on it, then came home to my lovely puppy (yes guys, I GOT A DOGGLE!!!!) and kitten (and no, I haven't forgotten how awesome Phoebe is). That reminded me that I do have amazing things in my life, and though it is important to be aware of what needs to be worked on, it's equally as important to recognize what I have done well and am thankful for.
So, in no specific order - 10 things I am grateful for today:
- Phoebe and Brie, my cat/dog duo of awesome
- The new girl I'm dating :)
- Seeing a very busy, but completely lovely friend twice in the same week
- For being in school, getting to learn about things I care about
- For not knowing what I weigh today, not knowing how many calories I consumed, not measuring the amount of paces I walked, and being completely ok with it
- For the ability to "be there" for a friend who needs some help
- A long chat with Mumsie that had minimal Dad bashing
- For the ability to recognize feelings of depression and help guide myself through them
- For the snorts and belly laughs that I got out of people after I told them a joke
- For looking forward to tomorrow
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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