Hi readers (if you still exist),
I am kind of doozy on hypnotics/antipsychotics now.....so you'll have to excuse me.
Post deleted because it was embarrassing.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
post freakout recollection
Hi friends,
Not sure if too many of you still read this.....I know people go on this blog to look at my tattoo pictures, but other than that it's no longer the riveting piece of rantiness that it once was.
So why today am I posting about a freakout? Well, that's kind of what I started this blog for in the first place ain't it?
So first I'll begin by explaining the happenings of my life for the past few weeks. First of all, I've been pretty (physically) sick over the past few weeks. I'm not 100% sure of all the details, but so far I know that I'm extremely anemic. I had my follow up MRI, which showed no UBO changes (wooo!) and the cyst I have hasn't gotten any bigger, so I'm likely in the clear in that regard. However it did show bone marrow reconversion....which could indicate a variety of things, but for me was result of (or resulted in...) anemia. It's weird- even when I was starving myself so badly that I began to show signs of heart failure I NEVER had problems with iron. Especially now that my eating has been pretty healthy, it's so odd that it would be an issue now. *Shugs*. I feel like a bad vegan/recovering disordered eater....which is why I haven't talked about it a ton. It's hard though, especially since the symptoms I've had have been pretty significant. Last week I was sleeping around 20 hours a day, hardly able to concentrate on anything, could hardly get out of bed, and my joints hurt so, so badly.....it got to the point that I went to the ER.....and of course they made me feel like a stupid hypochondriac for coming in and I ended up going home before even seeing a doctor. Anyways after I rested more and got some iron supplements I started feeling better...still not 100% but enough to function.
Or so I thought.
Anyways, I feel behind on a lo of things due to being sick. I missed classes, placement hours, ssignments, appointments, commitments....you get the idea. I feel so embarrassed about it, and am worried about what my profs/supervisors think of me now. Toar asked me if any of these people know about my history, and I replied that of course they don't! Though I try to be open about my crazy, it's not exactly something I would put on my resume. I also hate the idea of getting special consideration because of it....it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
Anyways....freakout time....
Basically right now I'm feeling like I'm failing at every role I play in life. As a daughter, I am unable to support my folks as they go through the ugly court proceedings of this seemingly neverending divorce. As a friend, there are so many people who I love and care about that are hurting and need support....and I offered it, yet I'm failing to provide it. As a student/volunteer, I am behind and it probably seems like I just don't care....if only people knew how much I do care. However, what they see is a girl who is half asleep, forgets everything, cannot be depended on, and doesn't follow up with them about it. The real reason is that I'm so embarrassed that I get too anxious to even write them a quick email.....pathetic I know.
Today it just kind of came tumbling down. I also noticed that for the past couple days I've been neglecting my pets. I let Phoebes box get way too dirty and I forgot to give Brie her eye medications this morning. I ended up holding both of them, crying about how sorry I was and how they deserved better than me.....melodramatic? Yup.
So I cleaned a bit, got the fuzzbutts taken care of, and went on my computer to play the sims a bit. It was 2amish when I realized - FUCK- I have to present to my practicum seminar group tomorrow at 9am. I had forgotten about it (surprise surprise) and realized that there was no way that I could take my sleeping medications (which will have me knocked out for at least 8 hours) and make it to the seminar. So more freaking out occurred.
So I made the decision to forgo sleeping pills (and sleep in general) tonight so I can attend the meeting. I know it's unhealthy but I really have no other choice. I've missed one of these groups already (because of being stupid yet again) and they are MANDATORY.
Anyways, I am still awake....hoping I don't crash too hard....but I know that I likely will. Right after the seminar I have placement, and right after placement I have a night class. The next morning (at 8:30am) I have class, and I have an assignment that I have not yet completed that was due last week.....and I asked the prof for accommodations but she never replied to me.
I'm kind of fucked in many ways....but....
I have people and animals to love, I have dreams and ideas, I have insight and compassion......
I am a lucky person.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
Not sure if too many of you still read this.....I know people go on this blog to look at my tattoo pictures, but other than that it's no longer the riveting piece of rantiness that it once was.
So why today am I posting about a freakout? Well, that's kind of what I started this blog for in the first place ain't it?
So first I'll begin by explaining the happenings of my life for the past few weeks. First of all, I've been pretty (physically) sick over the past few weeks. I'm not 100% sure of all the details, but so far I know that I'm extremely anemic. I had my follow up MRI, which showed no UBO changes (wooo!) and the cyst I have hasn't gotten any bigger, so I'm likely in the clear in that regard. However it did show bone marrow reconversion....which could indicate a variety of things, but for me was result of (or resulted in...) anemia. It's weird- even when I was starving myself so badly that I began to show signs of heart failure I NEVER had problems with iron. Especially now that my eating has been pretty healthy, it's so odd that it would be an issue now. *Shugs*. I feel like a bad vegan/recovering disordered eater....which is why I haven't talked about it a ton. It's hard though, especially since the symptoms I've had have been pretty significant. Last week I was sleeping around 20 hours a day, hardly able to concentrate on anything, could hardly get out of bed, and my joints hurt so, so badly.....it got to the point that I went to the ER.....and of course they made me feel like a stupid hypochondriac for coming in and I ended up going home before even seeing a doctor. Anyways after I rested more and got some iron supplements I started feeling better...still not 100% but enough to function.
Or so I thought.
Anyways, I feel behind on a lo of things due to being sick. I missed classes, placement hours, ssignments, appointments, commitments....you get the idea. I feel so embarrassed about it, and am worried about what my profs/supervisors think of me now. Toar asked me if any of these people know about my history, and I replied that of course they don't! Though I try to be open about my crazy, it's not exactly something I would put on my resume. I also hate the idea of getting special consideration because of it....it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
Anyways....freakout time....
Basically right now I'm feeling like I'm failing at every role I play in life. As a daughter, I am unable to support my folks as they go through the ugly court proceedings of this seemingly neverending divorce. As a friend, there are so many people who I love and care about that are hurting and need support....and I offered it, yet I'm failing to provide it. As a student/volunteer, I am behind and it probably seems like I just don't care....if only people knew how much I do care. However, what they see is a girl who is half asleep, forgets everything, cannot be depended on, and doesn't follow up with them about it. The real reason is that I'm so embarrassed that I get too anxious to even write them a quick email.....pathetic I know.
Today it just kind of came tumbling down. I also noticed that for the past couple days I've been neglecting my pets. I let Phoebes box get way too dirty and I forgot to give Brie her eye medications this morning. I ended up holding both of them, crying about how sorry I was and how they deserved better than me.....melodramatic? Yup.
So I cleaned a bit, got the fuzzbutts taken care of, and went on my computer to play the sims a bit. It was 2amish when I realized - FUCK- I have to present to my practicum seminar group tomorrow at 9am. I had forgotten about it (surprise surprise) and realized that there was no way that I could take my sleeping medications (which will have me knocked out for at least 8 hours) and make it to the seminar. So more freaking out occurred.
So I made the decision to forgo sleeping pills (and sleep in general) tonight so I can attend the meeting. I know it's unhealthy but I really have no other choice. I've missed one of these groups already (because of being stupid yet again) and they are MANDATORY.
Anyways, I am still awake....hoping I don't crash too hard....but I know that I likely will. Right after the seminar I have placement, and right after placement I have a night class. The next morning (at 8:30am) I have class, and I have an assignment that I have not yet completed that was due last week.....and I asked the prof for accommodations but she never replied to me.
I'm kind of fucked in many ways....but....
I have people and animals to love, I have dreams and ideas, I have insight and compassion......
I am a lucky person.
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
Sunday, February 13, 2011
5 Thought Questions, enjoy
Loved myself
Snuggle with my beautiful puppy and kitten
Write about it online believing someone, somewhere will read it
Remind myself of all the people (and animals) I love and care about
Think of each of those people (or animals) and feel incredibly grateful
I don't believe there is a who
It's a "what"
Apathy, ignorance and cynicism
Writing....sort of
Let's see....
Probably when I attempted suicide.
I took a massive medication overdose.
I was hallucinating at the hospital, believing that my organs were shutting down.
I saw a vision of my Mum, and then heard a voice saying "I'm sorry, she's gone"
Then my "Mum" began to scream and sob.
I screamed that I was sorry.
and I still am.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reflect and redirect
Hi readers (if you're still out there),
I feel like every time I update this blog it starts with an apology. I feel badly for anyone who relies on this for insight, inspiration or just proof that they're not alone in feeling the way they do. That being said, my time is now being occupied by things other than my healing journey....or rather, not obviously part of my healing journey.
Frig, did I just use the term "healing journey?" Erlack, I've been in therapy too long.
Anyways, I've been a little overwhelmed of late and thought I would use this outlet again.
This year has been a whirlwind of activity- all exciting and amazing, but still stressful. I haven't experienced this kind of freedom from my eating disorder since I was fifteen, and it's so new and full of possibility. However, with all this possibility I've taken on a lot of different activities/opportunities/responsibilities. Of late it's been a little too much, and I'm struggling to find a balance. It's so hard, because for the past year I struggled with not wanting to do anything or thinking that I was incapable of doing anything. Now I look at all that's in front of me, get excited and want to do everything. I want to take leadership roles and be an activist, I want to start new hobbies, I want to make new friends, I want to excel in school, I want to help my community.....you get where I'm going?
I'm frustrated that I can't do it all. I see friends of mine hold down (sometimes multiple) jobs, be a full time student, participate in events/organizations they believe in.....and I can't do the same. I'm told by Toar and Dr. D that depression and ED recovery take so much time and energy, plus I am on very high doses of medication that affect my ability to function (while at the same time, help me function). In social work, we are so critical of psychiatry. I know it's not meant in this way, but it feels like it's a criticism of myself. If mental illness is just this big social construct, am I taking the easy way out by taking medication? Am I really "sick" or just lazy/moody? Is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? I wish I knew the answer.
So today I forgot some really important things. I messed up an important piece of documentation at my placement by forgetting several key points, and I forgot about an important meeting I had to attend (for student placements this summer). I have felt that since I started these medications my memory has deteriorated, but what if I'm just not working hard enough to be organized? I berated myself for this.
Anyways, I reflected on it, then came home to my lovely puppy (yes guys, I GOT A DOGGLE!!!!) and kitten (and no, I haven't forgotten how awesome Phoebe is). That reminded me that I do have amazing things in my life, and though it is important to be aware of what needs to be worked on, it's equally as important to recognize what I have done well and am thankful for.
So, in no specific order - 10 things I am grateful for today:
I feel like every time I update this blog it starts with an apology. I feel badly for anyone who relies on this for insight, inspiration or just proof that they're not alone in feeling the way they do. That being said, my time is now being occupied by things other than my healing journey....or rather, not obviously part of my healing journey.
Frig, did I just use the term "healing journey?" Erlack, I've been in therapy too long.
Anyways, I've been a little overwhelmed of late and thought I would use this outlet again.
This year has been a whirlwind of activity- all exciting and amazing, but still stressful. I haven't experienced this kind of freedom from my eating disorder since I was fifteen, and it's so new and full of possibility. However, with all this possibility I've taken on a lot of different activities/opportunities/responsibilities. Of late it's been a little too much, and I'm struggling to find a balance. It's so hard, because for the past year I struggled with not wanting to do anything or thinking that I was incapable of doing anything. Now I look at all that's in front of me, get excited and want to do everything. I want to take leadership roles and be an activist, I want to start new hobbies, I want to make new friends, I want to excel in school, I want to help my community.....you get where I'm going?
I'm frustrated that I can't do it all. I see friends of mine hold down (sometimes multiple) jobs, be a full time student, participate in events/organizations they believe in.....and I can't do the same. I'm told by Toar and Dr. D that depression and ED recovery take so much time and energy, plus I am on very high doses of medication that affect my ability to function (while at the same time, help me function). In social work, we are so critical of psychiatry. I know it's not meant in this way, but it feels like it's a criticism of myself. If mental illness is just this big social construct, am I taking the easy way out by taking medication? Am I really "sick" or just lazy/moody? Is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? I wish I knew the answer.
So today I forgot some really important things. I messed up an important piece of documentation at my placement by forgetting several key points, and I forgot about an important meeting I had to attend (for student placements this summer). I have felt that since I started these medications my memory has deteriorated, but what if I'm just not working hard enough to be organized? I berated myself for this.
Anyways, I reflected on it, then came home to my lovely puppy (yes guys, I GOT A DOGGLE!!!!) and kitten (and no, I haven't forgotten how awesome Phoebe is). That reminded me that I do have amazing things in my life, and though it is important to be aware of what needs to be worked on, it's equally as important to recognize what I have done well and am thankful for.
So, in no specific order - 10 things I am grateful for today:
- Phoebe and Brie, my cat/dog duo of awesome
- The new girl I'm dating :)
- Seeing a very busy, but completely lovely friend twice in the same week
- For being in school, getting to learn about things I care about
- For not knowing what I weigh today, not knowing how many calories I consumed, not measuring the amount of paces I walked, and being completely ok with it
- For the ability to "be there" for a friend who needs some help
- A long chat with Mumsie that had minimal Dad bashing
- For the ability to recognize feelings of depression and help guide myself through them
- For the snorts and belly laughs that I got out of people after I told them a joke
- For looking forward to tomorrow
Peace, Love and Veggies,
Alex
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