Adam

I haven't written in a while.

I've been so overwhelmed.

I haven't had the energy.

I haven't had the insight.

I haven't had the motivation.

but I have to write about this.

I am a fairly introspective person. I take long reflective walks everyday. I read philosophy. I watch moving documentaries.

I'm in social work. I work with the chronically homeless and addicted. I'm volunteering at a children's hospice.

Yet some how, some way, life hands events that I can't even start to understand.

Some of you who read this blog may know what I'm talking about. Most of you don't.

At 4:10 this morning a 22 year old named Adam lost control of his motorcycle and collided with a wall.....he didn't survive.

Adam was a crew mate of mine during the 2005/06 class afloat voyage. I use the term "crew mate" because simply "friend" or "classmate" won't do.

We all boarded the SV Concordia with little sailing experience and even less of a clue as to what we were getting ourselves into. If adolescence is generally regarded as a time of confusion and turmoil, one can only imagine how it would look on a tall ship in the middle of the ocean. Yet somehow, we all made it.

Last night many of us floaties watched the W5 special "disaster at sea"

( http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20101001/w5-disaster-at-sea-101002/).

We all watched the students recount their harrowing stories and were amazed by their strength and resiliency. While these young people are undoubtedly amazing survivors, I am guessing that a lot of that strength came from the fact that they all survived the experience together. If anybody had been lost at sea, I could only imagine how the perspectives would be altered.

Short hours after that thought crossed my mind, we lost a member of our crew.

and our view, our hearts, our souls, are forever altered.

I am beginning a volunteer placement at Roger's House, which is the pediatric hospice in Ottawa. One thing I recall from volunteer training that really stuck out in my mind was this - when young people die it throws our whole world view upside down. What is right, fair, natural....it goes against all of it.

and there aren't any answers.

There is talking.

There is love.

There is friendship.

There is remembering how precious life really is.

There is recognition that even though it can be full of pain and sadness, it is the only one we are given.

There is fear, anger, sadness, frustration, joy, serenity...

I know, I'm sounding rambly and self help guru-ish.

I'm just putting out the thoughts as they come.

I guess I should mention a reason why this really hits home for me right now - My first struggles with major depression were triggered by a loss of a friend in a car accident. He was 14, I was 12.

I just hope...I hope that this doesn't happen to anybody because of this tragedy.

I know that's probably a stupid thing to say.

People react to grief in different ways, and most of them don't end up in and out of the bin.

Argh.

But if you do....that's ok.

As long as you keep living.

I'm going to end here because I'm making no sense.

For anybody reading this who knew Adam- I wish I could hug you right now. Since I can't, I'm sending you warm thoughts and memories of a red haired dreadlocked guy who's humour, kindness, and enthusiasm for life inspired us all.

The world won't be the same without you.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

gratitude

Hello chummies,

It's been a busy day today. Maybe not in most peoples eyes, but after a long year of dreariness it seems so fast paced. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy it. However, I struggle with finding time to sit and relax without feeling guilty, feeling like I "should" be doing something productive....then I remind myself that being "productive" is too capitalist a value for me and that makes me feel a bit better.

Despite a lot of stress and frustration, right now I'm filled with a profound sense of gratitude. It's only been my second day in my placement, and I only logged three hours cause I had to attend a seminar that morning. However, I am feeling so much admiration for the women I'm working with and feel so lucky to be studying what I'm studying, and eventually working in the field. I know I probably seem like I'm romanticizing an often grueling profession, but I can't help but be inspired. You see people at some of the worst circumstances life has to offer and you offer yourself to them. You can dress up with degrees and experience, but what you can give is it ultimately within yourself. Where else do you have that opportunity?

I feel lucky.

Please excuse the rambles, I hope I'm making a shred of sense. I also wanted to briefly mention that I'm avoiding discussion of anything that could breach client confidentiality. It's difficult, as I attempt to be as honest as I can. For me, every person I encounter alters how I perceive myself and the rest of the world. So how do I be completely honest about myself without showing that? I am trying.

Obviously no names, no specific places, and no specific "stories" involving clients. That's a hard one, as I love sharing experiences. I will however, share my feelings and thoughts that arise from these experiences. They will always connect to some aspect of my own life, which you all know I expose pretty openly.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

First Day- Woohoo! and why is someone using a chainsaw at 10pm?

Hello readers,

I am eating peanut butter sandwich crackers and brewing herbal tea as I listen to the jarring squeals of my neighbour using a chain saw in his backyard. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but can't he leave it until morning? Unless he's a sereal killer....if so he really sucks for doing it in the middle of a densely populated urban area.

So pallios I had my first day of my student placement! It's at the women's program at a local shelter (shepherds of good hope aka "sheps"). I'm excited- everyone seemed really awesome. There was a slight scream a thon, which certainly made things interesting. However it didn't turn physical or last long, so I'm not complaining.

Oh, and to make it easier I shall log my placement hours: 9am to 2pm - 5 hours

What else....I'm been feeling a little overwhelmed by everything I need to get done. It's definitely a manageable amount of stuff, but you know when you get all frazzled and it kind of paralyzes you and you can't get anything productive done? That would be me. I'll get over it though, no worries.

Besides the minor stress, I'm excited that all of this has started. It really hit me today - "this is a normal life, this is how things are supposed to be", and that made me so happy. It really hit me when I was eating a sammich I had just grabbed on the go at market organics- the disorder has lessened so much. I'm not constantly thinking about food, weight, calories, fat grams, sugar grams, numbers numbers numbers...You get the idea. Is it gone? Hell no. I brought my scale to Toar on the agreement that I would use it at the end of every appointment (as opposed to my hundred plus a day regime). I'm gaining a bit of weight and it's making me miserable if I think about it. I know it's not likely noticeable and I know my emotional well being is worth it....but fork it's not easy.

Anywhoseit, I'm beat and chain saw dude has stopped. I'm gonna knock myself out now!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

No longer sick, still shingley.

Hey readers,

I'm happy to announce that although the blistering rash on my back is still present (and a little itchy and sore) I know longer feel so blarged. I apologize for the lack of communication, but you know how it is when you're sick. I did a lot of "sleeping" (IE: me lying in bed with my eyes shut begging my brain to turn off). Thankfully I didn't miss any class, but I had to miss my first days of placement (which is a bummer and a half). Oh well, forward and onward!

I thought I'd resume my Sunday reflections (at least for this week!) so here we go:

What did I learn last week? I've learned that shingles is caused by the chicken pox virus that exists dormant in your spinal cord and randomly decides to break loose and make you miserable.

What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? I finally got withdrawals from my fall 2009 courses. Such an ordeal for something so seemingly simple. However, now it's done and the "F" and "D-" are off my transcripts.

Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? I hate to sound redundant, but being diagnosed with shingles.

What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? I need to send some important emails to profs, get a referral for my follow up MRI and start working on my assignments. I think all three of those are equally as important

What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? Hmm..I'll give myself reminders on my iphone

What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? Procrastination (as always), not getting enough of a social life, dwelling on past struggles instead of moving forward.

What was last week’s biggest time sink? Time spent in bed feeling lonely and shitty. Not entirely my fault (as I was sick), but I can't make it a habit

Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? I really need to reorganize things like my art supplies and go through a bunch of papers....blech! I also need to remind myself what I'm working towards and not dwell on past difficulties.

What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? Assignments and readings (I know, bad Alex!), cleaning, getting together with people

What opportunities are still on the table? The opportunities to meet new, amazing people are still numerous, and I need to take advantage of that. I also have a self reflection paper coming up for my direct practice course, and it has the potential to communicate where I've come from and where I want to go as a social worker.

Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? Oh yes! Too many people to list.

Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? The director of undergraduate studies for helping me with the whole withdrawal process, my roommate for putting up with my laziness this week, Phoebe for being at my side constantly making me feel very loved.

How can I help someone else this coming week? I start my new placement, so there's a chance I can help around there....though I'll likely be filling out forms and getting acquainted with the shelter. There's a couple little things I'd like to do to put smiles on a couple people's faces- hopefully I remember!

What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? I felt pretty embarrassed with how I answered this question last time. As always, getting my bachelor of social work degree is a big priority. "Finding love" now sounds cheesey enough for me to want to puke, so I think I'm going to change it to "create meaningful, lasting relationships". The other one is just to stay in a good place and not relapse.

Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? Well, I've gotten those withdrawals done and I've went and chilled with Toar, so I guess?

What’s the next step for each goal? BSW: Do my motherforking readings and assignments, f'reals. Relationships: Talk. To. People? Staying Sane: We'll see about that :p

What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? CLASS! PLACEMENT! (I know I'm nerdy). Oh, and taking back the night on thursday!

What are my fears? I'm scared of rejection, and I'm scared that I'll isolate. I am a little nervous that my pre op appointment will result in a delayed surgery due to shingles. My MRI results (I know it's likely nothing and I'm probably being a hypochondriac...but still).

What am I most grateful for? Being back in school. Knowing I can cope without my disorder(s). All the lovely people in my life.

If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? Anyone and everyone- I am surrounded by so many amazing people I can't possibly list them all.

Ok, I *may* have the zine information complete by the end of the day- but you know me so don't get your hopes up too much :p

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

SHINGLES

Readers,

This is my back. It hurts much more than it looks. I am tired and grumpy.

Love you though! Will report back soon!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

seroquel, school, solitude

Hey chums,

I know I haven't written in awhile, and I apologize for the lack of reflection on Sunday. However, I don't think I could have written anything more profound than "still awake".

I felt so guilty for losing my prescription for seroquel and imovane. I decided to "challenge" (aka punish) myself and go off of them, cold tofurkey. Obviously, this wasn't such a wise choice.

Part of me just wanted so badly to be rid of these drugs. They've impaired my cognitive capacity (though less so now than before) and make me zombie ish. This weekend really showed me how dependent I am on these medications. I ripped my apartment apart Friday and Saturday night looking for that damn piece of paper. I felt like I would've given anything or done anything for those little pink and blue pills. That dependance frightens me.

Unfortunately, going off any medications and fiddling around with my neurochemistry isn't really an option now. I started class, had an interview for volunteering, met with school administrators, met with the disabilities coordinator (to avoid getting screwed over again), went to a couple PTS groups....basically I was busy, which is groovy but takes a lot of energy. I need sleep to keep up with that.

Anyways, I'm trying to take this evening to relax a bit. Lately I've been having trouble enjoying my own company. I'm an introvert who is prone to isolation, and right now being alone feels like I'm isolating. Isolating was a big piece of my depression. However, I shall try to differentiate the two.

I mentioned earlier that I wished to shift the focus of this blog from my own struggles to my journey to become a social worker (wow, I make it sound like I'm going on a vision quest or something). Anyways, my first paper is on who you are as a social worker and what past experiences will you bring to your practice. I want to be honest and candid, but I don't want to make my prof believe I'm incapable or unstable. I truly believe that getting through all of this has a purpose, and I hope I can express that. Wish me luck!

Anyways, I'm off to watch huge and the L word. Such an exciting Saturday night!

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

awake awake awake

Grrr.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex