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post freakout recollection

Hi friends,


Not sure if too many of you still read this.....I know people go on this blog to look at my tattoo pictures, but other than that it's no longer the riveting piece of rantiness that it once was.


So why today am I posting about a freakout? Well, that's kind of what I started this blog for in the first place ain't it?


So first I'll begin by explaining the happenings of my life for the past few weeks. First of all, I've been pretty (physically) sick over the past few weeks. I'm not 100% sure of all the details, but so far I know that I'm extremely anemic. I had my follow up MRI, which showed no UBO changes (wooo!) and the cyst I have hasn't gotten any bigger, so I'm likely in the clear in that regard. However it did show bone marrow reconversion....which could indicate a variety of things, but for me was result of (or resulted in...) anemia. It's weird- even when I was starving myself so badly that I began to show signs of heart failure I NEVER had problems with iron. Especially now that my eating has been pretty healthy, it's so odd that it would be an issue now. *Shugs*. I feel like a bad vegan/recovering disordered eater....which is why I haven't talked about it a ton. It's hard though, especially since the symptoms I've had have been pretty significant. Last week I was sleeping around 20 hours a day, hardly able to concentrate on anything, could hardly get out of bed, and my joints hurt so, so badly.....it got to the point that I went to the ER.....and of course they made me feel like a stupid hypochondriac for coming in and I ended up going home before even seeing a doctor. Anyways after I rested more and got some iron supplements I started feeling better...still not 100% but enough to function. 


Or so I thought. 


Anyways, I feel behind on a lo of things due to being sick. I missed classes, placement hours, ssignments, appointments, commitments....you get the idea. I feel so embarrassed about it, and am worried about what my profs/supervisors think of me now. Toar asked me if any of these people know about my history, and I replied that of course they don't! Though I try to be open about my crazy, it's not exactly something I would put on my resume. I also hate the idea of getting special consideration because of it....it makes me feel weak and pathetic. 


Anyways....freakout time....


Basically right now I'm feeling like I'm failing at every role I play in life. As a daughter, I am unable to support my folks as they go through the ugly court proceedings of this seemingly neverending divorce. As a friend, there are so many people who I love and care about that are hurting and need support....and I offered it, yet I'm failing to provide it. As a student/volunteer, I am behind and it probably seems like I just don't care....if only people knew how much I do care. However, what they see is a girl who is half asleep, forgets everything, cannot be depended on, and doesn't follow up with them about it. The real reason is that I'm so embarrassed that I get too anxious to even write them a quick email.....pathetic I know.


Today it just kind of came tumbling down. I also noticed that for the past couple days I've been neglecting my pets. I let Phoebes box get way too dirty and I forgot to give Brie her eye medications this morning. I ended up holding both of them, crying about how sorry I was and how they deserved better than me.....melodramatic? Yup.


So I cleaned a bit, got the fuzzbutts taken care of, and went on my computer to play the sims a bit. It was 2amish when I realized - FUCK- I have to present to my practicum seminar group tomorrow at 9am. I had forgotten about it (surprise surprise) and realized that there was no way that I could take my sleeping medications (which will have me knocked out for at least 8 hours) and make it to the seminar. So more freaking out occurred.


So I made the decision to forgo sleeping pills (and sleep in general) tonight so I can attend the meeting. I know it's unhealthy but I really have no other choice. I've missed one of these groups already (because of being stupid yet again) and they are MANDATORY. 


Anyways, I am still awake....hoping I don't crash too hard....but I know that I likely will. Right after the seminar I have placement, and right after placement I have a night class. The next morning (at 8:30am) I have class, and I have an assignment that I have not yet completed that was due last week.....and I asked the prof  for accommodations but she never replied to me. 


I'm kind of fucked in many ways....but....


I have people and animals to love, I have dreams and ideas, I have insight and compassion......


I am a lucky person.


Peace, Love and Veggies,


Alex

5 Thought Questions, enjoy

Loved myself

Snuggle with my beautiful puppy and kitten

Write about it online believing someone, somewhere will read it

Remind myself of all the people (and animals) I love and care about

Think of each of those people (or animals) and feel incredibly grateful

I don't believe there is a who

It's a "what"

Apathy, ignorance and cynicism

Writing....sort of

Let's see....

Probably when I attempted suicide.

I took a massive medication overdose.

I was hallucinating at the hospital, believing that my organs were shutting down. 

I saw a vision of my Mum, and then heard a voice saying "I'm sorry, she's gone"

Then my "Mum" began to scream and sob.

I screamed that I was sorry.

and I still am.

Reflect and redirect

Hi readers (if you're still out there),


I feel like every time I update this blog it starts with an apology. I feel badly for anyone who relies on this for insight, inspiration or just proof that they're not alone in feeling the way they do. That being said, my time is now being occupied by things other than my healing journey....or rather, not obviously part of my healing journey.


Frig, did I just use the term "healing journey?" Erlack, I've been in therapy too long. 


Anyways, I've been a little overwhelmed of late and thought I would use this outlet again. 


This year has been a whirlwind of activity- all exciting and amazing, but still stressful. I haven't experienced this kind of freedom from my eating disorder since I was fifteen, and it's so new and full of possibility. However, with all this possibility I've taken on a lot of different activities/opportunities/responsibilities. Of late it's been a little too much, and I'm struggling to find a balance. It's so hard, because for the past year I struggled with not wanting to do anything or thinking that I was incapable of doing anything. Now I look at all that's in front of me, get excited and want to do everything. I want to take leadership roles and be an activist, I want to start new hobbies, I want to make new friends, I want to excel in school, I want to help my community.....you get where I'm going?


I'm frustrated that I can't do it all. I see friends of mine hold down (sometimes multiple) jobs, be a full time student, participate in events/organizations they believe in.....and I can't do the same. I'm told by Toar and Dr. D that depression and ED recovery take so much time and energy, plus I am on very high doses of medication that affect my ability to function (while at the same time, help me function). In social work, we are so critical of psychiatry. I know it's not meant in this way, but it feels like it's a criticism of myself. If mental illness is just this big social construct, am I taking the easy way out by taking medication? Am I really "sick" or just lazy/moody? Is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? I wish I knew the answer. 


So today I forgot some really important things. I messed up an important piece of documentation at my placement by forgetting several key points, and I forgot about an important meeting I had to attend (for student placements this summer). I have felt that since I started these medications my memory has deteriorated, but what if I'm just not working hard enough to be organized? I berated myself for this. 


Anyways, I reflected on it, then came home to my lovely puppy (yes guys, I GOT A DOGGLE!!!!) and kitten (and no, I haven't forgotten how awesome Phoebe is). That reminded me that I do have amazing things in my life, and though it is important to be aware of what needs to be worked on, it's equally as important to recognize what I have done well and am thankful for.


So, in no specific order - 10 things I am grateful for today:

• Phoebe and Brie, my cat/dog duo of awesome
• The new girl I'm dating :)
• Seeing a very busy, but completely lovely friend twice in the same week
• For being in school, getting to learn about things I care about
• For not knowing what I weigh today, not knowing how many calories I consumed, not measuring the amount of paces I walked, and being completely ok with it
• For the ability to "be there" for a friend who needs some help
• A long chat with Mumsie that had minimal Dad bashing
• For the ability to recognize feelings of depression and help guide myself through them
• For the snorts and belly laughs that I got out of people after I told them a joke
• For looking forward to tomorrow

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Oh these fun fun games

Hey readers,


I'm sorry I've neglected this blog for so long. I've become so involved with other ideas/projects/activities that I've let this slide.


However, I want to get more involved with mental health awareness, and in January we're starting a new campaign at Carleton. I really want to share my experiences openly. So in short,I should blog more so I can figure our exactly what to say!


So you may be wondering why the title of this post is "of these fun fun games". Well,it's mainly due to a fight (?) I'm having with my Mum.


I love my Mum a lot - she's a wonderful, kind, caring person. However, as the divorce proceedings get ugly she lashes out in anger at me. A few days ago our conversation went like this:


Mum: Who will look after Caroline for the rest of her life? Who?

Me: I know that you will have most of the responsibility, and that's a lot to handle, but I promise I will be there for Caroline until the day I die.

Mum: Well I hope I outlive you both, to take care of both of you.

Me: What? I don't need to be "taken care of".

Mum: Well let's just see how long your eyesight lasts for.




Gee, thanks ma. I love how you doubt my abilities to be independent. I love how you dismiss my love and dedication to Caroline. I am so encouraged that you think my sight is going to go so soon. I especially love how you wish I would die first.


Ok, I know she made the comment out of anger, but I'm so tired of taking all of this. I try so hard to keep it together, to be supportive, and I'm the one who gets this. I know I'm whining and complaining too much....but it is stressful.


I just sent my Mum a voicemail telling her I love her and hopes she has a good night. I've done it for the past couple nights, as she refuses to take my calls.


I hope she at least listened to my message. 


Peace, Love and Veggies,


Alex

short reflection

Hiya readers,

I feel a bit guilty for my previous post. I felt I needed to describe the unfortunate events of Sucktober, and there were far too many. There was a lot of details involved, and it took a while to get it all down accurately.

However, I fear that I gave off the impression that I am not doing well or relapsing depression wise. Circumstantially, there were many periods of low mood last Month....but considering what happened, that's to be expected, no?

I was in a reflective mood today. I walked around the neighbourhood to collect myself after watching what I believe to be the most heartbreaking film ever ("Dear Zachary"- keep tissues near by).

I noticed the Christmas decorations on the houses and remembered how every when I was a kid my dad and I would walk our dog around the neighbourhood each night. I especially loved this over Christmas, and got so excited as November went by and more lights appeared. I kind of feel it sneaked up on me this year. That sounds like a depressing thought, but it isn't. I guess I've just been so engaged in other things that I didn't take the time to think about how quickly Chrimble was approaching. Anyways, thinking of this time of year made me remember how life was a year ago....

Around this time last year my depression was at its worst. I had just started seeing Toar, and had yet to build enough trust with her to really explore what was going on. Nobody really knew what was going on.....hell, neither did I.

I didn't have interest in anything. I would stay in bed all day. I didn't talk to people. I didn't care about social work. I didn't care about my placement. I binged, compulsively exercised, counted calories, stepped on and off the scale every few minutes, thought about death....planned out my own death...

You get the picture.

In about a week it will be a year since my first hospital admission of what I like to call "depression C". It's been a long and intense year. I learned a lot, and I think I've changed a lot.

I know that things aren't near perfect, but thinking about where I was a year ago and seeing where I am now gives me a lot of comfort. I can't describe how good it feels to get up in the morning and believe the day has potential to be a good one. I love feeling excited and passionate about things. I love being able to sleep at night (albeit chemically induced). So many wonderful things that I couldn't do in the depths of ED/depression land.

Anyways, no real point to this post. I just wanted to let everyone know (and remind myself) that I am doing well.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Goodbye Sucktober.

Readers!

I know, I know.

It's been a month since I've updated this blog, and what a month it has been. As seen on my last post, October started off with the untimely death of my old friend and shipmate Adam. I was fortunate enough to go to Bermuda for his funeral, and even though it upset my Mum greatly that I was missing Thanksgiving (IE: "You're abandoning me like your father did"), it was one of the best choices I've made for myself in a long time. I don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't gone. Seeing my "floatie" (IE: Class Afloat) friends was incredibly healing, and since we were going through the same thing and felt so many of the same emotions it made me feel far less alone. Adam's family and friends in Bermuda welcomed us with open arms and were so kind and concerned about us despite their own grief. It will take time, but I do believe that love heals you....and I'm glad I had that weekend to experience it.

However, that is only a piece of how the month has been. There was my eye surgery, and even though it was not too painful, it was still unpleasant. What made things worse was what happened the day after my surgery. I noticed that my bunny Nona had been acting pretty listless and had little interest in food (definite red flag- Nonaroo loved eating). This was going on for about a week, but the night after my surgery it quickly turned to the worst. She was lying down with a glazed look in her eyes, so I picked her up, which immediately alarmed me as Nona hates being picked up. I noticed she felt lighter, and I stroked her fur and noticed she was incredibly thin. During this Nona didn't struggle at all (alarm bells!), and I as held her in my arms and she went limp.

I took her to the emergency vet, who informed me that her kidneys were shutting down. The best case scenario would be an infection which we would have a 50/50 chance of treating with antibiotics. The worse case (and much more likely) scenario was kidney cancer where she would have pretty much no chance at all. I asked them to do an xray to get more information. It showed that her kidneys were severely swollen, and it was highly unlikely to be an infection. I cried, as I knew what it meant. She was in so much pain, and I had to let her go.

I won't go much deeper into my loss of Nona as I don't really want to burst into tears. I don't have a done of time to write this, so I'll get to the most recent issue that inspired the creation of this post.

On Halloween I went out for a walk. It was 9:45 pm and I needed to stretch my legs, so I bundled up, put on my headphones and ventured out.

I listened to my music and walked around for about 20 minutes, then decided to head home. I was walking along Friel when I felt like I was being followed. I turned off my music and turned off on Wilbrod to see if I was actually being followed.

Turns out, I was.

My vague feelings of being creeped out were soon replaced by feelings of "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit!". A man and woman wearing black came up from behind me and grabbed both of my arms. The started to force my cross body bag off of me, and in doing so pushed me down onto the street. They ripped my headphones from my head and pried my ipod out of my hand. Luckily, what they wanted from me was only material things, and once they got my things they ran away laughing.

I stood stunned for a minute, wondering if anyone had seen what had happened. As soon as the initial shock wore off I began to run to the nearby quickie which had a payphone so that I could call 911.

Thy cam quickly and I made my statement. I was breathing fast and shaking, and the officer kept on asking if I needed an ambulance or was cold (Uh, no- I have an autonomic nervous system). I heard another officer complain about the fact that there was such a big time gap between the time that the incident happened and when the police were called.

Arghh.

What was I supposed to do, make a call on my stolen cell phone? Knock on a random door? I wasn't feeling all that trusting of strangers at the time so that wasn't an option.

Then I get the "now I'm not saying it was your fault, but....." speech. You knew that was coming eh? How dare I- a young female with a visual impairment- go for a leisurely walk at 9:45pm! I guess I was pretty much asking for it.

Anyways, it happened. It sucked. However, what happened the next day is what really traumatized me.

At around 6:30 Monday night I went out with a friend to walk her dog. When I was out my roommate received a call from a guy who said he had found my purse in central park and wanted to return it to me. He said that he read my address on a piece of mail in my bag, and asked if it was correct. Taken aback, my roommate said it was. He then said that he was at work but would be over in about an hour to drop it off.

Anyways, I get home and hear the news, and am a little creeped out as the guy left no name or number. However, my roommate called the police non emergency line shortly after and they weren't concerned- they only asked that we call back to report what is missing.

After a few hours, we begin to get nervous, as this guy could potentially have both my keys and address. So we call the police again.

I should mention that when I filed my initial report I was urged to identify the race of my attackers. I got such a poor view of them, as I'm visually impaired and was staring at the ground for the majority of the incident. However, my best guess that popped into my head was East Indian.

The guy who called also happened to be east Indian.

What happened next is a long, complicated story. Basically, the police have both my roommate and I talk to this guy to organize a set up. It involved me and three police officers in an unmarked car meeting this guy in a convenience store parking lot at the other side of the city. When we arrive we see him standing there with my purse in hand. The police quickly get out of the car and jump him, slamming his body against the hood of the car (where I was in the backseat). I will never forget the look of shock and horror on his face.

They harass him, asking him things like "where's your little girlfriend?". They take him away and out of my view, so I can only guess how they treated him afterwards.

I went back to the station to write down my statement. I could hear them complaining that the guy requested a translator.

Then I heard one officer say "If this is him, we're going to look like rock stars!".

It made my blood boil, but I was too exhausted to do anything.

Anyways, the next day I find out (surprise surprise) that this guy was likely not the suspect. He was a student from India who had only been in Canada for two months. He was advised by his lawyer to not speak to the detective, but he did anyways. He wanted the detective to know that he only intended to do something good.

If I could, I would thank him and apologize over and over.

What did I learn from this? That victims get blamed, police want glory not justice, racial profiling is wrong.....yeah.

I did learn to take more precautions. I will likely avoid the darker, less busy streets at night. I won't carry valuables. I might take a self defense course...

but I will NOT let this make me live in fear. I will not let it make me hide at home when the sun goes down.

If I do that, they win.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex