someday

Hello guys,

I've been meaning to write an entry about this for a while but have never gotten around to it. I guess that's because when I am in writing mode I usually have a topic to cover immediately, and if I'm not in the mood I just won't write, so I don't do the stuff I planned to blog about earlier.

Anyways, please go to this site and click on "media" (after the intro is done).

http://somedaymelissa.com/

For those of you who don't have the time to look at the website or view the trailer, it's a documentary in the making created by a mother who lost her 19 year old daughter (Melissa) to an eating disorder. After Melissa died her mother found her journal. One entry said this:

Someday...

I'll eat breakfast

I'll keep a job for more than 3 weeks

I'll have a boyfriend for more than 10 days

I'll love someone

I'll travel wherever I want

I'll make my family proud

I'll make a movie that will change lives

-August 2008

To make Melissa's last wish come true, her mum started this documentary. I look forward to it's completion because we need to show people who ED sufferers really are. How despite our struggles we still have hope. How much it tortures you physically and emotionally. What it also made me think about was my one list of "someday..."s.

Somedays aren't as much goals they are an expression of hope, Belief that things will get better, and that you will accomplish your dreams.

Some people would reject this, saying that you should put your mind to doing these things instead of just wishing for them. However, if you're going through turmoil, you simply live day to day and don't even think about the future. So for myself, "someday" is the very best I can do. I know that these things won't happen today, but they will someday.

Anyways, I've decided to make mine. I'm going to try to give 100, cause I know there are many.

Someday...

I will eat food and not numbers

I will hear people laugh and not assume they're laughing at me

I will look at the clock and not think "how many hours until___" but instead "This is fun and I don't want it to be over"

I will get really, really excited about something

I will dye my hair purple

I will be able to tell someone when they have hurt me

I will look back on the year on Class Afloat and not think of it as an experience wasted, but rather an atypical experience that will help me better understand people who are suffering

I will not need 8 different prescription medications to function every day

I will let people watch me dance

I will let people hear me sing (they probably won't want to, but I won't care)

I will see a platypus in it's natural environment

I will spend more time thinking about living instead of dying

I will find someone who I love and trust completely

I will be more proud of my strengths then I am ashamed of my weaknesses

I will not own a scale

I will be a mother

I will not fit any of the diagnoses in the DSM

I will chain myself to a tree to protect a forest from a logging company

My mum will not have to worry about me

I will get my BSW

I will not need any more eye surgeries

I will be able to sleep without pills

I will go to a party and be happy to be there

I will go to a yoga class and not compare myself to everyone there, but instead enjoy what it can do for my body and soul

I will write books that inspire people to make the world better

I will be a kick ass social worker

I will take more risks

I will not be as afraid of mistakes

I will adopt a dog

or two

I will bike from Ottawa to Montreal, heck maybe even across Canada

I will not keep a razor blade in my closet "just in case"I need to resort to cutting again

I will live in BC and enjoy the natural beauty

I will do whatever I can to end oppression, hunger, suffering, pollution....ultimately whatever it takes to make this world as good as it can be

I will be free from what is holding me back

I will meet someone in so much distress that they want to end their lives and tell them it does get better, and have them believe it

I will believe it too

sunburnt and the ABCDE of melanoma detection

Hey everyone,

Don't worry- I do not (or at least, I'm pretty sure I don't) have skin cancer. It was the only thing I could think of to describe my day. My shoulders and face are sunburnt and I spent some time trying to evaluate a mole for melanoma-ishness. Not only is this a sad excuse for entertainment, but considering this particular mole is on my back it's very awkward. I tried straining my neck to view it, I tried to look at it in the mirror, and I tried taking pictures of it. All attempts were unsuccessful. So I have no idea if said mole is A) Asymmetrical B) had an irregular border C) Has variation in colour D) Is more than 5mm in diameter or E) is elevated.

Hah.

Anywhoseit, I am pretty out of it at the moment and don't have too much wisdom to share. I'm waiting for something to change and give more purpose, opportunity and things to look forward to. Maybe when my course begins that will happen. Maybe not. Maybe when/if I get the go ahead from the eye doc to use air travel. I'm hoping to venture out west soon....

Anyways, I'm rambling. Have a good night.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

guilt fever

Hey followers!

Yes I know, yet again I've neglected to blog and yet again I'm apologizing.

Right now I am coming down with some sort of bug, and am feeling guilty for not exercising this evening. Yes, even though I had a slight fever and felt lightheaded I still felt guilty. I'm really upset that one of my favourite things to do (bike) is becoming intertwined with the disorder. It fucked with my love of baking, fucked with my social life, physical health....Bah.

Anyways, that's the main thought running through my head at the moment. I've done ok food wise over the past few days which is something to feel proud about (not that I do). Emotionally it's been a struggle not to let myself give in to depression. At the same time I'm not supposed to feel bad or guilty for being depressed. So....how do I do both? So many of my actions are one out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Toar suggests that I adopt the mentality of "I want to do this (this being some sort of coping skill/distraction from depression) because it's good for me, even though I may not feel like I want to this minute". I love the idea but it's hard when your self esteem is nil.

I know that I talk a lot about guilt on this blog, and I'm sorry for being redundant (haha, compulsive apologizing). It's an ongoing theme in my life that I'm trying so hard to overcome. I can find guilt in any situation. For example, the ED gives me numerous feelings of guilt over calories consumed, calories burned etc. On the opposing end, the feminist inside me who is so against the "thin ideal" most women aspire to feels stupid and thus guilty for falling into that warped way of thinking. Sometimes I really can't win.

This my meal plan didn't post like I wanted it to I'm going to forgo posting it. However, I would love to write about nutrition (especially nutrition myths) in future posts.

What else....I wish I could report more. I haven't been doing much of late, as my class hasn't started yet and I tend to isolate when I'm down. The days sort of meld into one melancholy, apathetic blob. On the bright side I did have a good day today (hence the energy to blog). Even though I'm under the weather, I got to spend time with a good friend, make a big pot of lentil soup and watched a movie that I wanted to see ("all the little animals"-loved it!). Such simple things but they made a difference. I think the biggest difference was spending time with a friend. It is the relationships to our friends, family, lovers etc. that make us whole and give our lives meaning. They are healing for me.

I often feel unworthy, unable or uninterested in being around these people. Some of this is fear of rejection, some of it's ED related, but all of it is keeping me trapped.

Anyways guys I'm dozing off. Please know that despite many difficulties I am fighting through it. Not an easy task as I've got a lifetime of negative thought patterns and emotional turmoil to fix, so it will take time.

Keep on trucking guys, I'm trying to.

Peace, love and veggies,

Alex

You will feel better after

Hello y'all,

So I know that I have really sucked at updating this blog. I've stated before that this blog is helpful for me in that it allows me to reflect without it feeling forced or fake (like it does in a journal entry). Without blogging I lose both the accountability for my actions and the insight gained in critical examination of an entry after the fact. I know that many of you have gained something from reading this, which makes me feel even worse about not blogging.

Yet lately I've struggled with figuring out what to write. In a semi catatonic depressed state I usually just lie there and pretend to be asleep. So I haven't written, and I have no idea what thoughts or emotion accompany the times problems arise. The result is being left in Toar's office expressing sadness and hopelessness and having no idea why.

There are more reasons lately that I haven't updated. Another is that some thoughts and emotions have caused me a lot of shame. I know it seems odd- I've been (sometimes brutally) honest about situations that most would never dream of sharing. I am hopeful that these recent issues will come to light in future entries, but not now.

So you may be wondering why my title is "you will feel better after". It has been my mantra of late, forcing me out of bed and out of the house to ride my bike, meet up with people....basically to do things that will ultimately be healing. Since I feel weak and unmotivated for a majority of the time, I have to repeat this several times. It is a very different perspective, as usually my mantra to get things done is "you SHOULD do this". This places the emphasis on what I want instead of some kind of perceived duty. Not easy guys, but I'm trying. This is also what I told myself this morning to make me blog (along with a gentle reminder from a lovely reader).

So what I thought I'd do for now is this: I make a meal plan for every day, ensuring I get the proper amount/types of food each day. I have struggled with following it, and have stopped sharing them with Toar because I am ashamed at this failure. So I'm going to give them to you to look at. Hopefully it will give a good insight into what proper nutrition is and will increase my accountability to my plan. I'm hoping that it will help me be successful (and hope it will help you too!).

Oh, and if you're wondering what this is based on, it is a vegan meal plan created with the help of Canada's food guide. Enjoy!

Oh, the little add in's (IE: "eaten earlier" mean that I had experienced a semi binge earlier in the day. The plan is written the previous evening with every intention of following it to the t. It sadly, rarely happens that way and I'll binge on things I planned to eat later in the day (thus making much of the "times eaten" column irrelevant). However, this will give you an idea of both my intentions and my slips.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Meal	Time	Food Groups	Food Selection
Breakfast	8:00	2 grains, 1 protein, 2 fruits, ½ milk alternatives	2 pieces of cinnamon raisin toast with 2 tbsp almond/hazelnut butter,1 ½ cups diced watermelon, coffee with ½ cup almond milk
Snack	10:00	3 fruits, 1 milk alternative	Smoothie with ½ cup each of frozen mango, strawberries and banana and 1 cup almond milk
Lunch	12:00	2 veggies, 2 grain	Pesto taboulle salad, PB sandwich crackers (crackers eaten early)
Snack	3:00	1 grain	Whole grain carrot muffin (eaten earlier)
Dinner	6:30	1 grain, 1 protein, 1 veggie, ½ mik alternative	Seitan pot pie and 1 cup carrot soup, coffee with ½ cup almond milk

isolation

Hey favourite people,

It's difficult to write this entry as almost everyone who reads this is a dear friend of mine. I don't want to come across as unappreciative of all the things you guys have done. However, I am feeling lonely and rejected.

Not by any of you. Actually I can't blame anybody for these feelings but myself.

I go too long without seeing friends. Yes I have a fantastic roommate, but it is not the same as hanging out with a friend. I feel like I've lost so many people that I was once close to. It's happened to me before - suicide attempts, admissions to psych wards and eye surgeries tend to make people scared and uncomfortable. I also can be hard to hang out with due to ED issues. Going out for lunch is scary for me. I make excuses and stress over it, so either I am flaky or preoccupied with the estimated caloric content of the mystery restaurant food.

There are also so few people that I can really open up with. I can talk candidly about my experiences with mental health issues- but the conversation is usually dotted with sarcasm and self deprecating humour. I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable (read: emotional) in front of people. This is a dangerous thing as it stops me from being with people (which improves my mood) when I need the support the most.

This entry is so choppy and incoherent. For the past few days I've been unable express myself in writing. Maybe I'm just afraid of being redundant. It's like my therapy sessions, the same issues always arising:

- I feel guilty about everything

- I suck at having a social life

- My ED is still around, messing with me

- My mood is unstable

Ok there's more than that but I keep repeating myself. I keep on thinking "I've talked about this before, why haven't I fixed it by now?" I have been taught so many skills in my years of therapy, so why am I still left clueless when faced with problems? Argh.

Anyways readers, I hope I haven't scared you off.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Can't sleep= cockroaches will eat my face

Hey,

So I found an insect in my room that may or may not have been a cockroach. I squashed it (I felt terrible! But what else could I do?). Now I cannot sleep because I read somewhere that cockroaches can feed at night on the remnants of food found on SLEEPING PEOPLES FACES!

So anyways, after compulsively cleaning for about an hour I am writing to you all. Well, not exactly. I wrote this a couple days ago. It was the first time since this blogs creation that I was too embarrassed to post the entry. This is an edited version.

I cant blog…for some reason tonight the ability to expose my innermost thoughts and feelings seems to have disappeared. I can’t really do thought records that totally encompass what I think and feel, so I am let to express myself in a manner that’s half a journal entry and half a letter to myself and Toar when I’m sitting in her office dumbfounded when she asks how I’ve been doing.

The elation I experienced after my doctors’ appointment dwindled today and now it’s back to this. I’m starting to wonder more if I’m just crazy- mood swings? How can I have mood swings? Fuck I don’t want a diagnosis of bipolar disorder too.

Ahh, diagnoses. Why on earth I thought it would be a good idea to look for a message board support group for people with avoidant personality disorder baffles me. I’ve been told by so many people not to identify with the diagnosis. Am I just supposed to ignore it?

Anyways, I looked online and read these peoples experiences. So many of them I related to. There was the feeling like I am on the outside of the human race and that there is something deep within me that makes me unwilling or unable to properly interact socially. Wanting to love and be loved so badly but being so scared to even try. Not even knowing exactly what it is I was scared of. The idea that I must learn how to do everything on my own because I cannot rely on anybody else to help me, as I am not worth the time or effort.

I started writing this because I caught thoughts of suicide going through my head which made the imaginary alarm bells ring. I thought about how I wanted to die young so I won’t get older and die pathetic and alone. I thought about how much I wished that this could happen without hurting anybody else. Even though the thought of people I love grieving forces me to remind myself that “suicide is not an option”, it also makes me feel really trapped.

I just want this to be over. I’m so tired of it. Someone who spent this long recovering and has had this many opportunities to get better I should have done it by now. When can I just give up? They let people with other illnesses do so….

This is so narcissistic and ridiculous. I seem so immature and melodramatic.

No more of this, this will be enough stupid, trivial problems to fill 50 minutes.

Back to today:

Please do not fear guys, Toar has read this and I am sure that I feel stable enough to not act on these thoughts. I am just scared (of more than roaches) and frustrated.

Good night.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex

Sometimes, I really enjoy life

Hi everyone,

I know I promised to write sooner, and be assured that I did try. The words just didn't come to me like they usually did. Perhaps it was due to my lack of practice, perhaps cause my eyeball hurt, perhaps cause I felt kind of depressed during the healing process.

Likely it's a combination of all of those. I was lying face down to allow my retina to heal, and I was bored and lonely. It's ironic, because when I feel depressed I have a tendency to lie in bed and do nothing. Since the fall I have been trying to fight against depression and force myself out of bed. The all of a sudden I was forced to lie there, seemingly going against what I had been striving for. It wasn't a great time.

On a cognitive level, I know that lying on my bed to heal my retina and lying in bed cause I was depressed were very different. One is focused on becoming healthy while the other allows you to stay sick. As difficult as it was, I am proud that I was able to follow my doctors orders without going insane(r).

I had my one week post op appointment today. I was nervous because my surgeon was so quiet and meticulous when examining my eyes. He also asked how my depression was (shit-do I have reason to be more depressed?). He then looked at me and said "Well, the good news is your eye pressure is at a normal level, we haven't disrupted your eye shunts or the transplanted cornea, and your retina is done it's initial stages of healing, so you don't have to do posturing anymore". I asked him if I could resume all activities, like bike riding/yoga/swimming/weight lifting and he said yes! I didn't mention roller derby as I don't think any doctor would recommend the sport. So I sat waiting for the bad news, but instead he said "There is a possibility that it may detach again, and if so I will be here to repair it, but I am hoping that this will be our last visit and I wish you the very best of luck". I was thrilled- I shook his hand and said goodbye to all the staff (who seemed to all know me on a first name basis) and left with a huge cheesy grin.

I was so happy to ride my bike and be outside and just....feel free. I've spent so much time being worried and made to feel fragile, but today I felt more powerful. I did pretty dull things to most people (bought shampoo, rode my bike, took a walk), but after this past week it was freaking AWESOME!

Something else amazing happened today: my little sister graduated from high school. Ok, she did not receive a diploma - she has cognitive delays and isn't able to. However, she is fully included in her schools grad, has a beautiful dress and is beyond excited and is so proud of herself. And so am I.

It is a new chapter in her life, and it won't be easy. She is leaving a school that provided intensive support and resources, and now she is leaving. My mum and her will need to complete numerous applications, psychological tests, legal processes, and more so she can enter programs and receive support as an adult. It's scary and her future is unknown, but for now she is graduating, has a dress that makes her feel like a princess and will proudly walk across the stage with her classmates. When I think about her joy and excitement I can't help but smile.

Obviously, this burst of optimism is not enough to solve all the challenges I face. After the eye surgery, even while I was squinting and it hurt to focus my eyes, I would get on that damn scale as much as I could. The eating disorder still exerts it's control and depression still haunts me, but I am refreshed and delighted by the seemingly normal things- having the ability to do activities I enjoy and a high school graduation, that are so wonderful if you stop to consider it.

Ok, I am done for tonight. Writing this blog is good for me and I have every intention of continuing. It makes me happy to know that there are a few people reading it. I hope the thoughts of me riding my bike again and my sister feeling proud and excited to graduate are enough to bring a smile to your faces.

Peace, Love and Veggies,

Alex