I haven't written in this blog for awhile.....
Mostly I've used it to upload pictures to post on my favourite online vegan community. However, I have been thinking a lot of late and need an outlet.
Those reading this probably know what happened the evening on February 11th and the results on such. For those who don't, here are the events in point form.
- Alex feels sad for a variety of reasons. She contemplates suicide
- A few days before (February 9th I think?). I wasn't doing well. I came to my environmental sociology class visibly.....unhinged. Not freaking out.....just kind of despondent. I knew I had to tell someone in the city what was going on.....but who? Not my friends....it would be scary for them and they'd phone my parents.....and not my therapist because the same would be true for her. I decided I'd try and stick around after my class to talk to my prof.
- (I might as well start a new point). So I talk to said prof. At first I tell her I'm thinking of dropping the course. After some awkward silence and inquiries, I reveal that I want to "leave the world in general" (or something like that). Prof asks what I mean by that....and I ask her what she thinks it means. Anyways, long story short we head out to the ER.
- I spend a long time in the psych ER. It was funny (like a smell, not "haha") that there was another Alexandra there. She had a probation officer, and it was really confusing when I was told my probation officer was asking about me. Anyways....
- I hate asking for help. I've been in a psych ward 4 times before, and the memories still haunt me. When I go to the ER I am at my wits end....I am desperate. The staff did not seem to understand this. I can't blame them entirely....it's a busy job and there's a system to assess who is most at risk. HOWEVER. I told them I had the pills. I told them I was considering taking them. I told them I had a history of psychiatric hospitalizations and a prior suicide attempt.
- I was asked (in what I interpreted as an accusatory tone) why I didn't just go to my psychiatrist. I get it- psychiatrists are not easy to come by, and many people who need them do not have access. However, I felt humiliated by the question. I just hung my head in shame.....obviously this person wouldn't understand my reasoning. Because I feel desperate! Because I can't wait! I'm only here because my prof suggested it....I'm here so I don't do something I regret.
- The more I hear screams of other patients and the more I'm asked the same questions, the more I want to get away. I stop trying to answer questions thoughtfully. I don't lie though. I tell them about the pills. However, when a doctor asks me "do you think you'd be safe if you left here tonight?" I responded with "I don't want to answer that because I really want to leave now". In Alex speak, that is a big, fat "NO!".
- Oh the things they tell me....."Get your thyroid checked, it could be that"......"do one nice thing for yourself each day"......."here's a note excusing you from class next week"........"maybe buying a SAD lamp is a good idea". I shrug and nod to answer. The nurse gives me the note, making a comment of how lucky I am to have a note excusing me from class.
- Going to class is one of the few things I find joy in. You are minimizing what I'm feeling now. If I'm dead, I won't ever have to go to class again. Of course I don't say these things.
- I text prof who brought me in. She is surprised that I am let out. Generally, suicidal ideation is the chest pains of psychiatry. I'm embarrassed, as I had to ask her to let my dog out.....meaning she saw the state of my apartment. It honestly looked like something off "hoarders". Now I am demonstrating that she wasted her time and energy with me.
- I meet up with prof to get keys and go home.
- I spend the next day feeling shitty. Not sure when I'm going to do what I'm planning, but pretty damn sure I'm going to do it.
- Somehow, some way, one of the few people I told got ahold of my dad. I get a frantic call from him saying he's coming. A mutual friend of said friend is also informed....and he's coming and staying until my dad gets there. Now I don't blame anyone for there actions but myself....I would do the exact same thing as they did if I was in their situation. However, my reaction was to go into fight or flight mode. I figured if I wanted to do something I had to do it before my dad arrived. So I took the pills when my friend was in the other room.
- I soon realized that it would be exceptionally terrifying for my friend to have me overdose and have no idea what I took or how much.....and I decided that would be cruel. So I told him I took the pills. He thanked me for telling him and the last thing I remember is asking to go to the civic and not the general hospital, as I've had bad experiences there.
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- I have vague, dreamy recollections of the next few days......but I was in a near-coma state. Apparently I twitched around whenever alarms went off, but that's about all the responding I did.
- Apparently I went into respiratory arrest shortly after entering the hospital. I don't remember any of it....but I imagine it was terrifying for those around me. I was given charcoal and was put on a respirator. I was knocked out with propofol (same drug Michael Jackson died from!).
- I apparently aspirated when they first tried to take our the breathing tube and developed aspiration pneumonia as a consequence. I also had an intestinal blockage due to the charcoal, and apparently it made my abdomen swell up as if I was pregnant. Luckily it erm.....cleared itself out.
- I "woke up" 5 days after the whole ordeal started. I remember the burning pain that occurred when they took out the breathing tube. I remember the sickly sweet taste of whatever they put in my feeding tube. I hate any sort of meal replacement drink....probably because during eating disorder treatment you were forced to drink them if you didn't eat your food fast enough.
- So yes, basically there were tubes and wires everywhere. However, in true Alex-fashion my first words were: "where am I? Can I still go to University? How are Brie and Phoebe?".
To be continued....I'm getting tired again.
